The Phase Of Peace: For Men About Women

         


          Women pass through many phases in their lives.  I am familiar with some of them due to experience, and some because of my education.  I have noticed that women, for what ever reasons, be it the tides, the moon, or what ever, seem to share phases.  I feel there is a reason for this and it should be noticed.
          When we are very young we are cared for.  We are taught by those around us, role models if you will, what kind of a woman we should be.  We are also taught by social media.  While our culture has taken great strides in women's progress we did, and still do, receive the same basic lesson.  I strong woman must look beautiful, speak softly, and not make the same mistakes as a man. 
          When we make the same mistakes the punishment is not the same there fore sending the message that we are not equal to men. I'm sure some of my male readers out there right now are raising their eye brows and feeling perhaps more that a little discomfort, and disbelief, at this perception, but its true.  I think you would be hard pressed to find many women out there who didn't feel this way.  While the suffragettes and women's movements are pretty much done with their work, and have achieved many great accomplishments for women, it does not mean that many of us do not fight the good fight daily.  How do we do that you ask?  Sit tight and read on.
          Some history for you on the females evolution into being a woman. 
          When a women hits puberty it is not, for most of us, a joyous event, even when our female role models try to role model that it should be.  Our right of passage into womanhood is messy and bloody.  It is scary, uncomfortable, and painful.  You will not find a woman who speaks fondly of this right of passage.  In fact this monthly reminder of womanhood continues to be an uncomfortable reminder most of our lives.  What makes this experience more bearable is other women who are sharing the experience.
          I had a professor once who spoke directly to the males in class and basically shared the following.  When a man is feeling achy, having stomach cramps, feverish, to the point that it makes him feel unable to cope with the world he will stay home and someone, usually a female, cares for him.  This is how a woman feels every month, and yet most males choose not to recognize this and care for the woman in their lives, whether it is their mom, sister, wife, girlfriend, etc.  Why is that?  Why is there a message out there that says to everyone, male of female, that this is to be endured quietly and nothing can be done about it?  My perception is religion has something to do with it...just sayin.
          We get past the rite of passage and realize that there is power in our changing body's in the form of sex.  This power is once again a awesome, thrilling, scary, and yes even bloody experience if not used properly.  It is during this phase that we learn what kind of man, or woman we want to spend, or not spend the rest of our lives with.  These perceptions at this time are also modeled by the people around us and the environment we are in.  I have never met a woman who has shared that her first sexual experience was wonderful.  It is once again messy, scary, and bloody.  (If you understand virginity and what happens when you are not one anymore you will understand the bloody perception.)  If a woman is with a significant other who is not understanding of how the second right of passage of loosing your virginity is into womanhood then this experience can, for many females, leave bitter memories that sometimes last a life time.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rZLbUIa7exE
          We get through the power of sex phase and enter our me phase.  There is a few years in our twenties, sometimes into early thirty's where life, for most of us, is pretty good.  We are going to school, working, being independent, finding our path in life, making friends, many of which will last a lifetime.  (Even if you loose some of these friends they come back around, trust me.)  It is during this time of confidence that we usually find someone and decide to spend our lives with them, build a family.  We get married, have kids, and our lives become messy and scary again.  For some even bloody.
http://www.domesticviolence.org/definition/
           Many of us settle into the role of wife/mother/working female/house keepers/nurse/friend/lover/teacher/cook/maid...too many to list, but its true.  Once again I feel some eye rolling going on from my male readers; perhaps you are thinking, at this point, that I am just another female feeling sorry for myself and/or getting up on my soap box/pedestal, complaining about things that men have been dealing with for century's.  Yes I, and other females, have heard these statements from males for generations.  I call shenanigans on many levels.  Just a thought.  What would the world be like if that thought I just had was not in my, or your your head?
           I know many males who share all aspects of life's responsibility's with their significant others, my sons included.  But even my sons, from time to time, share their confusion on the inner working, feelings and emotions, of women.  Why is there this confusion? 
          This phase exhausts us, both men and women, and even at times makes us feel extremely small and insignificant in such a big world that has already brought us so much fear and chaos.  Often times we sit and look at our choices and wonder why did we make this choice.  Unlike men however women rarely keep these thoughts to ourselves. 
          Many of us vent our anger, frustration, exhaustion and disappointment to the most important choices in our lives out of fear.  I have always believed a couple of things here based on my own personal experiences.  The first is that a good defense is the best offense; we sometimes choose to act crazy out of fear and disillusionment over what feels like a lack of control over our lives.  Second, we need attention, someone to tell us that everything is ok, that we are doing a great job, and that we are still treasured as a woman.  Third, we need someone to be our anchor from time to time.  To step in calmly, quietly, (quietly is important here), lovingly, and just take care of us for a change.
          I have heard many men have the same complaint; that no matter what they say, or do, sometimes it doesn't matter.  OK a couple of thoughts here.  Be strong, ride that storm out, if you love her be patient and understanding.  Some where in her head she is thinking that she does the same for you more often than you notice.  When you come home from work and are grouchy, tired, and distant you are giving her your version of bad behavior in a marriage.  When you forget, or ignore how she is feeling, and use excuses like I don't understand, I don't get where this is coming from, or just tell me what you want me to do and I will do it, you are sending a clear message that you are not being thoughtful and/or engaged in the relationship; that you leave all that messiness, and fear to her...alone.   If we wanted to be alone you would not be there, we are not that shallow which why many men have a hard time understanding women. 
         Men and women are wired differently, women think, analyze, examine every angle, men just act.  If men don't understand what they should do, if they have never been taught what to do while growing up, they will do nothing, not because it is the right thing to do, but just because they have been taught that what to do is, nothing.  It is often frustrating to women to have to teach their man what to do, but when it is successful it has great payoffs in the relationship.  The trick is not to be demeaning, and embarrassed about it.  We choose to be in a relationship with someone mostly out of trust for the other person, always assume that the other person has your best interest at heart.  Be thankful that that person is there to help you be better, listen to them, learn from and with them.
http://www.boredpanda.com/men-women-differences-comic/
          While women learn to navigate this phase we learn to be strong.  Yes, some of us break during this phase.  We do what men have been doing for century's, we leave, we self medicate, we abuse. The law now recognizes that because women have the same rights as men we also sometimes loose our family's just like men have. 
          Most of us learn to become strong and get through this phase.  Some of us raise our kids and send them out into the world, once again dealing with more fear and mess.  All of us watch the relationship with our significant other change.  What was once, for most of us, a relationship defined by common passions, for almost all areas in life, and an excitement for adventure, now turns into mostly routine, and neglect.  Now, I would like to point the finger at males at this point, but I cant, women play a part in this phase also.  But perhaps not for the reasons you think.
         I'm going to be completely honest with you.  Any relationship cannot be defined by sex alone.  It is not sex that will endure, it is fear, mess, and change that endure; for these reasons everyone should find a way to make their own individual lives better.  Relationships are also not defined by what you do together and how often.  They are defined by what you do together when you are together.  Quality not quantity.
          Relationships are defined not only by the time together but the time apart.  Both people in any partnership should remember this.  If you choose to spend quality time with your significant other than make an effort to do so and don't make excuses.  Don't let anything else come between you and that promise.  It is the promises broken and kept that everyone remembers.  Break enough promises and other things will break as well. 
          On the other hand understanding that change is the one surety in the world never forget to forgive some of those broken promises.  Set reasonable boundary's.  Know and define," what is my self worth, in order to be the best person I can be this is what I can, and cannot tolerate."  You must always understand that perfection is impossible, we are all human and learn from our mistakes. 
         Understand the concept of deal breakers in a relationship.  Abuse, severe neglect, repeated substance abuse, any kind of repeated destructive behavior.  The most obvious example of something like this is adultery.  Most people who have been married a long time will tell you that one, or both of them, engaged in another relationship while being in a committed relationship with the person they have spent their life with.  It was the suffering, the forgiveness, the wisdom, that came from that choice that actually caused more closeness, and the strength to endure.
          Some where in our 40's, the next phase, females will once again take a long hard look at their lives.  In human psychology, and sociology, there is information on this.  Suddenly we re-examine our spirituality, our careers, our relationships', not just with our significant others, but friends, and extended family in general.  In a nut shell we start discovering that we want to live an authentic meaningful life. 
          Yes being a part of others lives, in what ever definition/perception that is for every individual woman is and, was, an important phase of our lives.  But we hit a phase where suddenly feeling meaningful means more about us as individual's. 
          I think this phase is sometimes confusing to men.  It is not just about empty nest or getting old.  It is wanting to know that you put as much energy into yourself over the years as you did to others.  It is about understanding how to appreciate yourself as much as others.  It is about finally understanding that appreciation can only be given to yourself by yourself and that it is not dependent upon others.  It is a strength, a wisdom, a gift to ourselves by ourselves, independent from others.
          I cant tell you how many women I know that after a long day of working, cleaning, caring for others, loving, being compassionate, kind, etc. go home and cry.  Many men see this as a sign of weakness?  Why?  Because they were taught to do so.  In reality women cry to release stress, it is the stress releasing that causes women to live longer then men.  The worst thing you can do is ignore this.  I have heard many women share that they feel silly, and weak for feeling the effects of the stresses of their day.  I say embrace those emotions.  Use them wisely.  Teach anyone who is watching that yes you feel like crying sometimes, but you still get up the next day with a smile on your face and carry on.  This does not make you crazy it makes you a woman, and a human. 
 http://www.webmd.com/women/features/stress-women-men-cope
             I have learned something important after getting through my 40s.  I am a far better person for it, my relationships are stronger, I have new interests, a new spirituality, and life is a wonderful adventure for me again.  I also learned something even more important.  I did not need anyone else to learn and endure this, my life. 
            This was a revelation to me, and my husband, who suddenly remembered that not only did he have options in life, but so did I.  Now don't get me wrong.  Sometimes some reminding on both halves has to be done to encourage, and support, the partnership, and individuality.  The bottom line is by finding myself as a person again I was, and am able, to once again put my energy into being there for others.  Which, for most women, is what drives us. 
            The Pith of the Matter is this.  From the start life is scary and messy.  It is full of suffering, it is unavoidable.  It is how we are taught to deal with all the messiness and fear that defines who we are.  It is our perception of our life that make us who we are as individuals. I have no respect for anyone who looks at someone and places a label based on age, sex, religion, social status, etc.  The bottom line is this.  WE WILL ALL go through the same exact phases of life at our own time in our own ways.  Understanding this should not divide us.  Cut yourself and those around you a break.  Learn to go with the flow a little.  You don't need to have anyone share in the joys, fears, happiness, failures, triumphs, chaos, changes, in your life, all of them are yours alone.  If anything feel compassion for the person who chooses to ignore you and how special you are; think of all that they are choosing to miss out on.
          Yes sometimes others make a contribution, but whether those contributions are good or bad in the end their perception of events will differ from yours.  Your feelings on your perception are yours alone.  Just own it, its ok.  With ownership comes great power, confidence, and most importantly peace.  Peace is a great thing after all the fear and messiness.  It will not be peaceful all the time, but the moments will be great and wonderful. 
The phase of peace, I wonder what's next.
Emaho  Namaste Peace out

“I hate to hear you talk about all women as if they were fine ladies instead of rational creatures. None of us want to be in calm waters all our lives.”
― Jane Austen, Persuasion

tags: clichés, double-standards, empowerment, equality, feminism, flattery, gender, hypocrisy, independence, men, misogyny, rationality, reason, self-determination, social-norms, stereotypes, strength, women, women-s-rights

“Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.”
― Robert A. Heinlein

tags: cats, humor, women

 

(see Fairy Tales blog   https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=3932333442274546027#editor/target=post;postID=2913142971048119951;onPublishedMenu=allposts;onClosedMenu=allposts;postNum=51;src=postname )

The One

     


      Been a long time since I wrote anything.  Why you ask?  Well there is a story in there I think.  So I will tell it to you.  (see Buddha Was A Story Teller Blog)
      A few months back I decided to go back to work.  I didn't want to have a career again, I had two pretty successful ones and felt pretty content with in that fact.  I just wanted a job now, one where I could earn a little me cash, get out a couple of days a week, and keep busy.  I like to work.  I like to work hard.  So the jobs I looked at were ones where I knew I wouldn't be sitting around watching the clock slowly tick away, breaking the time up with an occasional yawn, or two, or three. 
      The first job I found was at a well known hobby store chain.  This started off being what I thought was a pretty good job.  Craft store!  Surrounded by arts, crafts, and like minded people.  I did pretty well and was asked by the store manager to switch to over night stock.  "Take one for the team," he said.  "Its the only way you are going to get the hours you want." he said.  (I momentarily thought,"but I want only like 15 hours a week?"  But what ever)  Then he said,"We need smart hard working people like you there."  I thought,"Really?  Stocking is synonymous with smart?" What ever...It was obvious he really wanted me in that shift so I said yes.
      So begins my adventure into the 3am to when ever the shift is done world of stocking.  It started off pretty good.  I was optimistic.  I perceived that many of my co-workers were ummm...how do I put this...NOT the optimistic kind of people.  To put it more to the point, a lot of gossiping, back stabbing, complaining, etc. people. "Its ok." I thought I can still do my job well with out their mindset effecting mine.  Silly me...
      I was doing fine until, for what ever reason, the gossiping and back stabbing started being directed towards me.  How did I know?  Well kind of hard to miss when you walk up behind someone and you hear it.  Now no one knew me well enough to formulate any real opinions concerning my life and who I am, so it was just basic I have nothing better to do then start some gossipy rumors about someone I don't know to make my life and job more interesting.  Drama and Karma may sound the same but they are not.
      We all encounter this sometimes.  More often then perhaps any of us want to deal with.  But here's the thing.  While I did meet a couple of people there who I still keep in contact with; like minded intelligent compassionate people who I hope I will know for a long time. I started feeling like its awful hard to get up at 3am work my ass off for 8.50 and hour 3 days a week, to be treated like crap.  I don't think there is any job description that says if you make under 12.00 an hour you will and must be treated like less of a human being by not only supervisors but coworkers.  I think actually it should be the opposite.  Treat the people who work with you and for you no matter what the pay scale with decency and respect because we are all after all fighting the good fight.
      So I started job hunting and happened to get a phone call from a thrift store.  I interviewed, got the job, and moved on.  Better pay, better hours, and best of all this particular thrift store supported a worthy non profit shelter for family's of abuse.  Lots of very hard work but I loved it.
      Days went by fast.  Customers were great.  Lots of perks at this job...except for one very important one.  The supervisor, and I use that word very lightly, was, and still is, bat shit crazy...seriously not kidding, no way to ice this one over.
      In a nut shell when I left I made it very clear to her, HR, and co-workers that I wanted a supervisor who treated people with respect.  Which she didn't. She didn't single me out, she was nasty, cold, hateful and angry to everyone.  We lost customers because of it.  I find out later she has had more people than anyone was willing to admit when I interviewed walk out on the job.
      So I'm out of a job again.  Feeling defeated I started doing some real soul searching.  What was wrong with me?  There must be something wrong with me that I cant seem to find some kind of decent part time job?  More than once people treated me like I was just some silly retired woman looking to fill the emptiness of her life while they were real hard working people.  I was made to feel guilty and why?
      Sure in the current society we work in there are many people who are still out of work.  But heres the thing.  I showed up and worked hard.  I treated everyone I came in contact with with respect.  I honestly don't give a shit how much money anyone has or need money is not the real issue here.  I care how someone treats themselves and others...that's it, simple.  Now, perhaps at this part the reader is thinking, "Well that's easy coming from someone who has money."  Stop there, hubby and I make very little money, when I share the amount with someone whom I trust they are always shocked.  We are careful with our money, and even though we don't have much we are always quick to share with those we care for.  Karma
      Then I started thinking.  What if it wasn't me?  What if this is just the way the world is?  Full of suffereing.  Some of our own making sure...but there none the less.  What if we are  in charge of our own suffering ultimately and can only help those who really want to be helped.  You know once again...Karma.
      When we think of suffering, and alleviating it, we asume it is by doing what is considered to be charitable acts, helping the poor, the needy, and injured, in what ever definition and perception that falls under.  But what if most of the suffering in the world is just in the day to day bullshit?  What if its the way we talk to each other?  What if its in the way we acknowledge what we do as individuals, as a team, and or for each other?  Who decided we were suppose to feel guilt, feel weak, feel less than anyone else for wanting the world and the people in it to treat each other with just a little kindness and compassion to alleviate someone, anyone's, suffering in the everyday bullshit we all go through? 
      I got angry...It suddenly became very clear to me that I have been making myself suffer by letting ANYONE make me feel less because I think, in fact BELEIVE, that treating people, and myself, with respect is something we should put at the top of our to do lists. 
How do I deal with this? 
      Simple. With confidence, love, respect, compassion.  How can anything that makes me and those around me feel good be wrong?  Unless its drugs...that's wrong, you know its the unhealthy addictive consumption thing.
      When did we start criticizing anyone for just wanting to do some hard work?  AND WHEN did we become a nation who thinks less of someone for aging but still wanting to do something with their life?  I looked closely at the people who momentarily made me think and feel something about my self that I didn't like.  Then I remembered that our greatest teachers will be our greatest challenges.  The challenge is how to interact with so many people in the world who find it much easier to be angry, disrespectful, narrow minded, etc. 
I looked at Facebook and noticed something.
      I started observing how we interact with each other generally.  I was standing in line at a popular convenience store and there was one cashier, alone, trying desperately and as calm as he could to stay on top of a job where it was pretty obvious to anyone who took the time to notice that he was in the store alone.  A couple of guys in back of me started complaining.  "Convenient stores and not so convenient anymore...should change their name...its just another symptom of how the world is going to shit..."  Seriously?  Your the reason the world is going to shit I wanted to say.  Instead when it was my turn at the counter I said to the cashier loud enough for the two grumbling guys in back of me to hear, "Your doing a great job."  The cashier smiled and said thank you.
      I know someone who does nothing, and I mean nothing, but worry, complain, and be angry about every aspect of their life.  Spouse is crap, family is crap, work is crap, no one understands, the world is shit...Now I could sit there and either A) Get on the band wagon with this person and reinforce the crap. B) Tell this person to shut the fuck up. I'm sick of listening to it. or C) Listen as best I can and share words and feeling of love, respect and compassion.
       Everyone knows of the recent tragedy in Orlando.  Lots of FB posts on it lately.  Lots of comments about it also.  What I want to know is this when one person makes a post on Facebook concerning something, anything, negative there will be at least four people who like it, usually many more than that.  But make a post about something positive and rarely do you get even one.  Why is that? 
      Then it occurred to me.  Its the safety in numbers thing.  Many would rather jump on the band wagon of hate, and anger then to be alone, the one, who is different.  The challenge is to be the one.  Always be the one.  That's it...simple. 
      No matter where we go, what we do, who we're faced with. Speak the truth as you know it with love, compassion, respect, and understanding.  Then back away from it.  You don't need to argue it, convince people that your way, your path, is the right one; who cares if anyone see's anything the way you do?  The world can be a good place. It is my Karma.  With that said every thing came into perspective for me. 
      Its ok if I haven't found the one job that I can call home yet.  Its ok if I choose NOT to want to work with people and in an environment where people feel the need to group together in anger and hate.  I can be the one as long as I can live with my self in the end.  May be if more of us were the one we would end up making a difference?  One is better than none...

Stay

 “You are the sky. Everything else – it’s just the weather.”
― Pema Chödrön

tags: calm, sky, weather

“If we learn to open our hearts, anyone, including the people who drive us crazy, can be our teacher.”
― Pema Chödrön

tags: buddhism, shambhala         

         The last couple of blogs I have written on friends, support, feelings, perception.  How do these tie together?  Pema Chodrin writes in her book The Places That Scare You of staying in the moment, staying with your meditation, even when human nature does everything in its power to make you turn away and run.  She says just keep on saying, "stay."
          Lately I have been waking up irritated and angry.  I could place the blame in a multitude of areas, and on a variety of people, but I didn't want to.  In stead I sat down a meditated for over an hour.  I sent a question out into the universe, why am I so angry and irritated lately?
          This is what I heard.  The Pith of the Matter.
          I have someone in my life who I love dearly.  This person is not happy.  It is obvious in their speech, their behavior, daily.  This has been going on for some time. They use addictions to try and lesson the anger and pain they are feeling, but it is not working.  They blame quickly and often people closest to them. 
          I have tried to speak with this person, I have tried listening.  At the height of my frustration I woke up today feeling angrier then ever and shut down.  Feeling that why do I keep on trying so hard, caring so much, when people whom I love don't care either.  I pouted, blamed, detached.  I saw the uselessness of this attitude finally sitting in meditation; staying until I had my answer. 
          The answer is simple. 
           Its just stay.  I don't have to fix it.  It will fix itself, it usually does in its own good time.  All I do is have to stay, be present, listen.  Keep on meditating.  Stay.

Emaho
Namaste
Peace out

“…feelings like disappointment, embarrassment, irritation, resentment, anger, jealousy, and fear, instead of being bad news, are actually very clear moments that teach us where it is that we’re holding back. They teach us to perk up and lean in when we feel we’d rather collapse and back away. They’re like messengers that show us, with terrifying clarity, exactly where we’re stuck. This very moment is the perfect teacher, and, lucky for us, it’s with us wherever we are.”
― Pema Chödrön

“The only reason we don't open our hearts and minds to other people is that they trigger confusion in us that we don't feel brave enough or sane enough to deal with. To the degree that we look clearly and compassionately at ourselves, we feel confident and fearless about looking into someone else's eyes. ”
― Pema Chödrön

Buddha Was A Story Teller

  

 http://tinybuddha.com/blog/get-unstuck-stop-believing-the-negative-stories-you-tell-yourself/      

http://viewonbuddhism.org/resources/buddhist_stories.html

          I have known many story tellers over my life time.  My dad used story's to teach.  My grandfather taught me to love story's on pages. I have known people, friends, and not so friendly, who have shared story's with me for one reason or another.  I have read countless story's, real and imagined, by more authors then I can name and have loved most of them.  I have also learned to love those persons, who have chosen to tell story's, real and imagined, orally. 
          I love listening to, and reading, about peoples story's.  I learn so much.  While I have a love hate relationship with Facebook, as many of you who follow my blog know, I also value it for one main purpose.  It tells me a story of people.  Face book periodically puts up posts from people about what they posted a year ago today.  It tells a story.  Where we were then compared to where we are now.  Gives us a different perspective, point of view, perception if you will. 
          I give the idea of perception a lot of thought actually.  In Buddhism the idea of perception takes on a lot of meaning.  I never quite knew how to write about this idea that I actually find so fascinating and important until recently.  A friend whom I met in school, and follow on Facebook, recently made a post that stated, "Once you stop creating stories suffering stops."  I loved this.  Not sure if its hers, or someone else's, but it made me think.  It hit many points with me, story telling, suffering, creating.  It was epic, and to her I say if this was your quote well done!  I replied to her post with, "It depends on what story you are telling."  To which she said it is a matter of perception.  Ahhhh  :D  I thought a perfect Buddhist thought.
  http://tinybuddha.com/blog/let-go-of-fear-by-stopping-the-stories-in-your-head/
          While I was meditating on all of this I had a memory of a person in hubby and my life long ago.  This person was an epic story teller.  The "FISH WAS THIS BIG" kind of story teller.  Everyone close to him knew he "exaggerated."  Some people would even call him a liar.   
           Yes technically he lied and exaggerated.  BUT he actually believed the things he told himself, and others, even when presented with facts stating other wise.  It was his perception of his reality.  When someone would call him on his story's it he would become very upset.  Not always angry, more often very sad and betrayed.  It was important to him that the persons close to him support and respect his perceptions of his life.
          Hubby and I use to discuss this person and the conclusion we came to was this.  In the end he is only hurting himself, and honestly sometimes not even then, so lets just leave it alone.  It was hard to form a trusting relationship with this person, but once again, who did that really hurt?  The boundaries that were wrote through his story's were there for a reason.
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/story?s=t
          Through the years I have known many persons who could be called liar, my self included.  Its hard to be honest, because honesty is really a matter of perception.  While I strive to tell the truth, as I know it, it is my perception of truth.  My perception of reality.  Anyone who reads my story's can easily argue many points.  I still choose to tell story's regardless.
          I personally think that perception is really behind most of the strife in the world.  Its not that everyone's perceptions are different that causes problems, its that we don't understand, respect, and support that truth.
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/perception?s=t
          When you read Buddhist sutra's you realize that all of them have to do with perception.  They are all generally vague.  The Dharma itself is vague, and for a reason. Teaching kindness and compassion in general is about perception.  It is in this general vagueness that so many people get confused about perception in Buddhism.  Sure some things are clear cut, don't murder, don't contribute to addictions.  But even the addiction thing could be argued if someone wanted to.  Someone who considers themselves to be a good Buddhist can argue for eating meat, eating sugar, smoking a joint sometimes, drinking coffee, killing an ant, a roach, a spider, a fly.  So how do you remedy this perception thing? 
          While perception is an ever fluid concept for me and one that I struggle with daily I have done, for the reasons previously mentioned, quite a bit of research and think that I have come up with some ideas that may be helpful.  This is however, my perception.
          When I first became Buddhist it was confusing to read that basically our perception of the world and everything in it is a dream.  This is pretty much how it is worded in ancient Buddhist readings, and can be very confusing.  As you read on, however, and do some research into when and why the text was written, you realize that what it is saying is don't put so much value on things that in the end really wont matter. 
http://buddhismteacher.com/five_aggregates.php
          That house you live in is a dream, its temporary, and created by your vision.  Outside forces can take that dream away from you.  Forces beyond your control.  So don't become so attached to it, and all the stuff in it, to the point that if the universe decides, for what ever reason, that it is something that you don't need, you are so attached that you can not see the wisdom in loss.  I know I know, scary to think about loosing our home.  A place that helps us feel secure and safe.  We build our homes, put so much of ourselves into them.  They are places full of all kinds of memory's. We become so attached to all of this we forget that life goes on with out all the stuff, and until you lose something like a home, you don't realize that what you built can be built again.  Not really bad Karma.  What you lost really wasn't a loss, its all a matter of perception.  Some of us will never have that knowledge, and for what ever reason, the universe deems that some of us should.  It is a gift anyway you look at it.  That is perception.  And that is a story.
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/human-nature?s=t
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/feelings?s=t
          That example is the easy part of perception in Buddhism.  The harder part to grasp is feelings and human nature.  And that is what we will struggle with the most in my perception.  Two books stand out in my mind concerning perception in Buddhism.   The first is The Heart of the Buddhas Teaching by Thich Nhat Hanh and the other is The Places That Scare You by Pema Chodrin.  I have noticed through my readings, which still don't skim the surface of everything that could be read, that most books say the basic same things.  But it is how it is shared, the perception of the author, that differs.  So reading many different books on Buddhism is always very fascinating, and a learning experience.  They all make you think in my perception.
          Perception is called samjna.  Buddha said, "where there is perception there is deception."  Does this mean that everything we see and/or hear is a lie?  No, of course not.  What it means is that everyone can look at the same thing and see it differently.  So how do we ensure that we respect these differing perception's?  The Noble Eightfold Path.
http://www.buddhanet.net/e-learning/8foldpath.htm
http://www.dummies.com/how-to/content/the-eightfold-path-of-buddhism.html

"Relatively speaking there are right views and wrong views.  But if we look more deeply, we see that all views are wrong views.  No view can ever be the truth.  It is just from one point; that is why it is called a "point of view."  If we go to another point we will see things differently and realize that our first view was not entirely right.  Buddhism is not a collection of views.  It is a practice to help us eliminate wrong views.  The quality of our views can always be improved.  From the view point of ultimate reality.  Right View is the absence of all views."  Thich Naht Hanh

          This idea goes against human nature.  In order for us to feel safe we want to keep our point of view.  We want to keep all the stuff around us that makes us feel safe.  The bottom line is that it really is all an illusion.  We are told, taught, and convince ourselves, that in order to have an identity we must have, and keep at all costs our point of view.  Sometimes this is a valuable trait.  It protects us.  Sometimes, and more often than not, it keeps us isolated from each other.
          My hubby and I have been together for 34 years now and I am still very much in love with him and happy...most of the time.  Human nature. Sometimes he irritates the living shit out of me.  Why?  Well he does things like leaves beard and mustache hairs on the sink sometimes.  Leaves empty coke bottles around.  In general leaves quite a lot of clutter around.  YES, he is much better then he was when we first started out.  But sometimes I just wake up and think if I have to spend one more day with your bullshit I think I'm going to scream...and then I do.  Lately it has occurred to me that my perception of the irritating things he does are mine alone.  He doesn't see anything wrong with most of what he does.  He likes himself, and that is why I like him.  So why do I have days where I'm so irritated with him?

"...when I was encouraged to pay attention-to be curious about what was happening with my body and my mind-something shifted.  I could observe from my own experience that nothing is static.  My moods are continuously shifting like the weather.  I am definitely not in control of what thoughts or emotions are going to arise, nor can I halt their flow.  Stillness is followed by movement, movement flows back into stillness.  Even the most persistent physical pain, when I pay attention to it, changes like the tides."  Pema Chodrin

          This is why we meditate.  NOT to keep from feeling all that we feel, but to come to an understanding that we all feel.  That we as individuals feel.  And that we don't have control over human nature. 
          It is easy in the beginning of Buddhism, and I speak from experience, to think that through meditation, and living by kindness, and compassionate ideas, that you are suddenly suppose to be transformed into this peace loving, yoga practicing, vegetarian.  But this is just skimming the surface, and at the beginning of understanding.  It is an important part of the journey however.  And for those of you who are still choosing the journey it must be experienced.  Continue the experience.  But at some point we realize that there is more to it then that.  How do we continue to be peace loving, yoga practicing vegetarians when there is so much human nature?  Worse yet, we find that we, sometimes more than others, are subject to human nature. 
           Its hard to not engage in gossip sometimes.  Its hard to not get caught up in the hate associated with prejudice and discrimination.  Its hard to not feel something, anything, when faced with abuse, neglect, poverty, lack of education, ignorance, injustice etc.  Its hard to not wake up sometimes feeling irritation for the person you have chosen to spend a life time with.  Then it occurred to me.  
          Everything that I perceive are my perception's.  YES some people out there share the same perceptions, but many more do not.   Do I condemn someone just because they don't think and feel as I do?  If I do isn't that opening the door for them to judge and condemn me?  Most importantly how does this effect my Karma?
         The challenge is not in acknowledging the story's that we all tell to end our own personal sufferings.  It is to acknowledge, and respect, that we all have different story's to tell and it is how we each chose to end our own personal sufferings. 
          YES it is pretty obvious when someone is suffering more than others.  I like to believe that most of us feel compassion for anyone going through this.  BUT I personally believe that we are all capable of change.  That change, whether for better of worse, will take place at the exact time that it is suppose to happen for each individual.  It is our job to just simply try to stay open to it.   It is human nature to want to make something happen faster.  It is uncomfortable to wait.  We don't like feeling out of control.  We all struggle with this. 
          I remember taking sign language in school.  I was certain, at the time, that knowing sign language would open doors for me in my career.  At the time I didn't know that I would be shifting my life.  Sign language did not come easy to me.  I would practice, and practice, and still lacked a certain understanding.  Some would say that perhaps it was because I was not comfortable with it, and many people using it.  Perhaps.  It always feels a little different when we are starting something new.  Some said I lacked exposure to a greater idea of its use.  Many persons gave me their perceptions of why I was not succeeding with this.  And most of them had validity. 
          IN the end, however, my perception, my truth, was this.  I tried it, I learned some very valuable knowledge that still till this day has made my life richer. but it was not what the universe had in store for me.  Should I continue to feel a failure for not succeeding in this area of my life?  Or should I choose to focus on the areas of my life that I am successful at?  What story should I share?  Which story should I focus on?  It was a lesson that we can all benefit from.  Should I not share my story because it relates some kind of suffering?  Should I keep that suffering to myself?  Or should I share what I have learned in hopes of easing suffering for others?  Perception.
          The Pith of the Matter: That quote that my friend made could be directed towards that friend of hubby and mine who liked to exaggerate.  Or to someone whom purposefully lies, exaggerates, in order to lesson the consequences to himself/herself.  But here's the thing.  Telling story's really has nothing to do with anyone else.  The story's we tell define who we are at that particular time in our life.   The story's will always change, differ, depending on the perception of who is telling the story, and who is doing the reading.  And that's ok.  Keep on telling those story's.  Its part of the journey, its how we learn, they teach us about suffering how we all deal with it.  Technically everyone who ever taught, wrote, spoke about Buddhism is telling a story. Buddha was a story teller. It is something we can all benefit from. 

“It's like everyone tells a story about themselves inside their own head. Always. All the time. That story makes you what you are. We build ourselves out of that story.”
― Patrick Rothfuss, The Name of the Wind

tags: identity, self-image, sense-of-self, stories, storytelling  

 

 

“You may tell a tale that takes up residence in someone's soul, becomes their blood and self and purpose. That tale will move them and drive them and who knows that they might do because of it, because of your words. That is your role, your gift.”
― Erin Morgenstern, The Night Circus

tags: inspirational, story-teller, storytelling, your-gift

 

“Artists use lies to tell the truth. Yes, I created a lie. But because you believed it, you found something true about yourself.”
― Alan Moore, V for Vendetta

tags: on-fiction, parables, storytelling

 


 

Friends

       
      

         I sat across from her at her kitchen table.  Drinking coffee.  Petting her dogs.  We are so much alike she and I.  Days apart in birthdays.  A few years apart in age.  We are like minded; sharing same interests in spirituality, politics, art, many other topics.  I love when I find a friend like this.  Reminds me of how special people, and I as one, are. 
          We talk about everything.  She shares how she has of late been feeling a little lost and exasperated with herself.  She seems to have lost her focus.  I support her, and encourage her, to take her time, appreciate the now, I tell her the universe has a plan for her.  I tell her that how she feels is appropriate and its ok to feel it just don't get mired in it.  We all feel like that some times.
           We discuss how we both sometimes feel frustrated with people in general.  How we don't understand why society cant just embrace being more loving, kind, compassionate.  Why do so many people choose to be judgmental, and by us stating all of that does it make us judgmental also?  We laugh at ourselves. 
          She shares an encounter that she had with someone and how she found that the person she was referring to changed her perspective, not in a good way.  Later she nicely told that someone how she didn't want to engage in that bad behavior anymore, now they are great friends.  I ask why is it that we are afraid to speak honestly and respectfully to people who use bad behavior to change the world?  Does us choosing not to speak up make us as bad as the people shouting ignorance and hate?  Why is it that the loudest people seem to be the most ignorant...then I feel judgmental again.   We chuckle again.
           We speak of human nature.  How human nature will turn us toward judgmental thinking.  How the challenge is to examine it, understand what we are to learn from it, and be compassionate to ourselves, and others, because of it.  I shared that I now, but not as often as I wished I did, will not engage in bad behavior and bad relationships.  I shared how I recently told some one very close to me, "I love you and I want to feel good about you so I am choosing not to engage in this portion of our relationship any more."  She looked at me and said that that was profound and is something that anyone could use with a multitude of people in lots of different circumstances.  She said," you should blog that." 
The Pith of the Matter;  Ok  :D
Namaste  Emaho Peace out 

 

“Don’t walk in front of me… I may not follow
Don’t walk behind me… I may not lead
Walk beside me… just be my friend”
― Albert Camus

tags: friends, friendship, misattributed-albert-camus

 

“Good friends, good books, and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life.”
― Mark Twain

tags: books, contentment, friends, friendship, life

 

“When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.”
― Henri J.M. Nouwen, Out of Solitude: Three Meditations on the Christian Life

tags: empathy, friends, friendship, inspirational