Looking Through The Shop Window

It is a strange trade that of advocacy.  Your intellect, your highest heavenly gift is hung up in the shop window like a loaded pistol for sale.  -Thomas Carlyle
http://www.victorianweb.org/authors/carlyle/carlyle4.html

          I like this quote by Carlyle concerning advocacy.  I picture someone standing outside a shop window and looking in at every thing that is put out into the open to possibly add to their lives.   I think if you are an informed consumer subscribing to what someone else advocates has the same concept of sales.  The advocate has to be able to be a salesman to some extent.   We have to be well informed, and experienced, at what we are trying to sell to someone or we dont make the sale.  An easy concept when you think about it.  But then I think about the series Mad Men and how these men, and women, make an art form on manipulateing the public to buy what they are selling.   They are not so interested in the concept of, "is what we are selling actually going to improve the quality of life" as how much money will it make us. So, as consumers, if we dont take the time to research what the other person is trying to sell us, then more often than not, we find ourselves buying into something that we really dont need, something that we really dont believe in, and most importantly, something, that in the end, will truley not make us happy.
          I have actually had this idea on my mind for some time but was struggling a little with how and what to put into words.  It is the idea of advocacy.   I am all for advocateing.  There are a few things I feel strongly about and advocate.   I am a child advocate, always making the sale for the best interest of the child and adolescent.  I am an advocate for free will and free choice.  I am an advocate for familys.  I make sales pitches constantly for peace, honesty, love and compassion.  I advocate being able to speak your mind politely and respectfully, but still speaking it, selling it.  I advocate sharing thoughts and ideas.  I sell creativity.   I advocate what I feel very strongly about and (here is the important part of advocateing) I advocate what I am realistically able to sell.   I am able to sell what I beleive in to most people most of the time.
          The last part is what has made me ponder advocacy.  I think some people out there are confused.  I have observed that some people seem to think that just talking about something is the same thing as advocateing it and then they wonder why they can't sell it.  I will explain why in hopes of making some people better advocates for what they speak out about.
          I am going to advocate that using a dictionary to fully understand the meaning of a word helps you understand how to use the word.  Not just in a sentance, but applying it to morals, values and actions.  So here is the site for dictionary.com.
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/advocate?s=t
Pretty straight forward deffinitions I think.  Lets take it a step farther.  There are some people who get hung up on deffinitions, for instance take the first two; writing and speaking for what you believe in.  The real key to being a great advocate are the last two.  Speaking up for another human being and pleading in a court of law.  
Lets elaborate on the last deffinition especially.
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/court?s=t
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/law?s=t
          I think that in a deffinition of a word many of us think that the meaning has an either/ or status...why cant it be all of the above?   So because right now I am advocateing you putting the pieces of all of this together think about that when reading all of the possible deffinitions for court and law.   Learning how to do this effectively wil make you a better sales person.  You will be able to discuss what you are trying to sell from all view points.  Now just so you dont get confused about what my mind set is I want to share that I do not advocate taking the law into your own hands, forming your own court and instilling your own brand of justice.  Dont forget I advocate peace, love, truth and compassion.  So in forming your own opinions about what you choose to advocate for always remember to keep true to yourself.  Include your core morals and values.
          I will share a few examples of what I mean.  I have a friend that I met through school.  We are not great friends, but she has earned my respect and there fore I call her friend.  She is a great advocate against GMO's and an advocate for healthy living.   She sports some pretty awesome tattoos, another reason for liking her, and she researches everything that she advocates for.  Most importantly she walks the walk; meaning she lives what she sells.   This is an important step in advocacy if you want people to take you seriously.   How can you possibly advocate if you are not living what you advocate for?  So when I need advice on certain issues regarding food and healthy living I tap into her knowledge.  Here's another part of respectful advocacy, if she doesnt know she says so.  Honest selfless behavior.  She's a great sales person.  When she posts on facebook regarding GMO's, and other information, I take the time to read because I trust her knowledge.  I know what she's trying to sell means something to her and I trust her.  I took the time to find out what kind of person she is before buying into what she is selling.
          Another example along the same lines is a friend/ hairdresser who also advocates a healthy lifestyle.  NOW I put hairdresser in her title for a reason and I will explain.  A hairdresser is what she does it is not who she is.  WHO she is incorporates her lifestyle which is her extensive knowledge on nutrition and exercise.  (Although she is an awesome hari dresser.)  She learned this after loosing close to two hundred pounds.  She walks the walk and is another example of a person who uses respectful advocacy.  She Is also Buddhist so her lives is focused on love, kindness and compassion towards others no matter what she does. When she makes a post on facebook I read it because I know it was well researched and will hold merit.  I buy what she is selling.
          I can pretty safely say that just about everyone who is on my facebook advocates honestly, respectfully, compassionately and selflessly.  More importantly if they make a mistake they dont get all but hurt about it, they just research it more and either prove they were right in their thinking or say sorry and learn from their mistake.  They are all true wonderful examples of outstanding human beings and I advocate for them as such always.  If I cant then you are not on my friends list; at the beginning, and end, of each day I need to advocate for me first.  I want my word to mean something; it is important to me to sell a genuine product that I beleive in.  Here are some sites that have some pretty good advice on how to advocate.
http://www.naemt.org/advocacy/advocate/howtoadvocate.aspx
http://www.co.oswego.ny.us/mental/guidelines%20on%20how%20to%20advocate%20for%20yourself.pdf
http://www.cccnewyork.org/about/what-is-effective-advocacy/?gclid=CLX1xv3QtLgCFazm7Aodaj4ADg
          Here are my thoughts for you that these sites dont address on how to advocate for something you believe in.   I feel that everyone, at one time or another, questions their place in the world.  I have shared before that one of the things that was said to me when I was a teen came from my father,  "We are here to touch one persons life.  We may never know who that person is but that is why we always make the choice to be kind and understanding to everyone we meet."  He was not Buddhist, but that statement is one of the reasons I am.  It is also one of the reasons that I am a Social Worker, a Child Advocate, and mom, a wife, and a friend.  What he shared with me spoke to me.
          Everything I advocate speaks for who I have choosen to be as a person and, most importantly, it makes me feel good, even when others around me tried to make me feel other wise.   Even on the days when I know I have failed, made a mistake, and seen portions of life that, in all honesty, I could have happily gone a life time and not known.   Advocateing for what I beleive in, for what I truley feel strongly about keeps me centered and whole.   It is part of my core moral and value system.
 http://logical-critical-thinking.com/human-thoughts/what-is-morality-and-where-does-morality-come-from/
 http://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/newTED_85.htm        
          Since the beginning of my advocacy choice (career by the way) I have spoken to persons with in the government who can make a difference with the information I shared with them.  I have taught at the state level.  I have taught to hundreds of people.  I continute to learn what I believe in.  I speak the truth for what I believe.  I am open minded to others, and their needs, and listen to what they have to say.   I advocate for the life that I have choose, and advocate any, and all, learning opportunitys.   Some might read this and say to themselves that I am pretty full of myself and am just looking for a reason to get attention.  May be....but may be I feel good about what I have choosen, may be I feel strongly about advocacy in general, and may be I feel in selling praise.
          Being a good advocate means being able to share what you know, how you live, with enthusiasm, confidence, intellegence, respect and praise.   When anyone feels good about what they are doing they want others to feel the same way.   So while I am telling you how to be an advocate I am not telling you what to advocate for.  The choices that I have made to ensure my happiness are not going to be what makes you happy.  
          The two previous people that I used as examples I respect, not only because of their genuine advocation of what they believe in, but also because what they have choosen to advocate for are things that I have not choosen for myself.   I want to eat healthy, and make daily efforts to do so, but unlike them this lifestyle is not hard wired into me.   What is hard wired into me is understanding children.  I can look at a kid, briefly speak to a family/parent(s) and give working solutions for making any child more successful.  I am grateful everyday for this gift and genuinly understand that this gift is what I am suppose to advocate for to make the world a better place.  If I choose to take this gift and do nothing with it it is bad karma.   I put what I am selling into a store window for everyone to look at, fully aware at any time that someone might take a gun and shoot down the pane of glass and steal what I am selling.   What do I do if that happens?  Will it change how I feel about what I have choosen to advocate for?  No.   Because I believe in what I sell.  You don't have to buy into it.  But because I have choosen to fully research what I adovcate, because I feel it is part of who I am and makes me stronger, I will rebuild and continue to sell what I believe in.
          The Pith of the Matter here?   Simple really.  Find your gift.  Find your strength.  Find what drives you, what your passionate about and sell it.    Do something more that just lecturing to people around you about your supposed knowledge on what ever product happens to be the current fad to put you at the center of attention.   If you cannot back up what you know with factual evidence, much of which should be supported with wisdom based on YOUR experiences, then very few people will listen and respect you.  No one will read your facebook posts and, in fact, many will take you off of their daily feeds, perhaps block you, and troll you; and not the Im going to test your knowledge kinda troll, but the your full of shit troll and Im going to test your sales pitch to break down that pane of glass that you think follishly protects you.   A great sales person is not the one who sells you the newest version of that HD flat screen tv, or the newest tennis shoe, or computer game.  The greatest sales person is the one who buys into the life style they are trying to sell by advocateing some thing they truley beleive in.  They make you think about life; your life, others life, and everyones place in it.   I am forever grateful for every advocate in my life that makes me think about how I live.  It is these people that make me a better sales person for my own life and that is what I put into my sales window.  Dont like what you see?  Move along please, please don't loiter, no tresspassing allowed.  Nothing to see nothing to see move along.
Peace out.  ;)

Im passionate about people.  I've spent my life in advocacy.  People matter-whether or not we agree on the issue, people matter.  - Ann Marie Buerkle
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ann_Marie_Buerkle
 

A Compassionate Reflection

       
“The only real failure in life is not to be true to the best one knows.”-Buddha

          When we look in the mirror we see our reflection.  When we look into some ones eyes we see a reflection also.  The people we surround ourselves contribute to our reflection.  I know I know everyone is suppose to have this great and over whelming confidence to the point that when they look in a mirror they dont at all doubt themselves.  But who can honestly say that this happens all the time?  http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/reflection?s=t
          Come on...seriously.  If we are truley honest with our selves everyone will admit that there are days where you look into a mirror and think your eyes look puffy, you need a hair cut cause its the third day in a row of bad hair days.  You look fat, your boobs arnt as firm as they were when you were 19, you hate what you are wearing and go change it for the third time.  Uh oh theres another grey hair, or your roots are starting to show and people may realize that you are not a natural red head.  I am not talking about myself by the way....  ;)
           Men have their insecuritys also.   Is my hair line receding, is there a bald spot growing on the top of my head that I cant see?  Can I grow my hair in such a way that I can cover the hair loss?  Should I grow a beard or mustache?  Should I shave it?  My wife really likes when I have face hair though.   Should I wear this concert t-shirt from the 80s that doesnt fit anymore?  Whats wrong with the socks that I wear with sandles?  Am I going grey or silver?  Are they laugh lines or just wrinkles? 
          If you are in you adolescence well forget it; they think about what others think of them from the time they wake up till the time they go to sleep.  Regardless of how hard they try to show that they dont care.  Thank goodness for the time they sleep so they can give their brains a break! The point here is everyone from time to time of any and all ages wonders what others think of them from one degree to another.
          So how do we deal with the ugly things that we tell our selves?  If you think about it concern for what others are thinking or saying about us is worse when we are at our worse.   When we are feeling crappy because we are tired, or not feeling physically, mentally, and or emotionally 100 percent it is important to have people around us that say what we want to hear.  (I actually believe that this is in the top five reasons for people to get married.) http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/wired-success/201305/do-self-affirmations-work-revisit
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201303/fifteen-reasons-we-need-friends
          Now this is where it gets tricky.  I dont think anyone wants someone to tell them that the hair color you have been using for five years looks great when it actually doesnt.   BUT there is a nice way to put it.  "I think you look better as a brunette."   Your girl friend asks do I look fat in this, she kinda knows she does.  BUT if you say yes all hell is going to break loose and not because you agreed with her but because you were so wonderful at being compassionate in your presentation...sarcasm.  You could say something like,"I always liked that (insert another outfit here) why dont you wear that one?  You always look beautiful in that." (Make sure and use the word beautiful girls like that. She says no I wore that last time, then suggest another outfit.  If you attempt to say,"I dont kow hun you look great in everything."  She will know that you are being a lazy son of a bitch and are bascially saying that you dont care about how she looks.  AND excuse me we care about how we look for our men.  So buck up and take a few minutes out of your busy computer/tv schedule and get involved.
http://www.wikihow.com/Find-a-Way-to-Always-Say-the-Right-Thing-in-Any-Situation
          Now lets talk about that friend who always has an opinion about your life.  She never comes out and says whats on her mind she just dances around what she really thinks about you by suggesting all these grate things that she has read (on the internet by the way) that would really be good for you...sigh....I have fired alot of these people out of my life for one reason.  The reason is not because they make the suggestions it is because if you attempt to suggest something back to them, or tell them nicely that your not really interested in their suggestion they get all but hurt and take it very personally.  
          Anyone who makes suggestions about what they think you need to be happier has put themselves into the inner circle of your life for a couple of reasons.  One you have probably shared something personal with them and two they are attempting to be compassionate and help.   Here is the acid test for this scenario.  Start off small when sharing something personal.  Then when returning the favor by being there for them, and offering them in return loving, compassionate advice if they dont take it well then ask yourself,"Did I not handle this well? or is this person just a control freak?"  Want to know the answer to that?  Ask your friend the answer should give a pretty clear cut explanation and let you know how you want to proceed further in the relationship.
          Heres how this all ties together.  Giving and getting advice from anything is a tricky thing.  It is not good to assume that everyone we surround ourselves with is going to tell us what we need to here.  (You will notice that I didnt say what we want to hear...they are two different things.  What we need to hear is healthy, what we want to hear is not always.)  We want to hear praise when we are feeling down and insecure.  But we also want to hear the truth...at least I do, and many others that I know do also.  It would be great if people could also tell the truth with out attaching bad feelings to them also, but the reality of the situation is if you hurt someone then they may feel the need to express that hurt through anger, disappointment, and other emotions that you might find uncomfortable.  I have said it before and Ill say it again...buck up put on your big person pants and be accountable.
         The Pith of the Matter is this.   Most of us are smart enough to percieve honesty, love, compassion, respect and selfless behavior in some one else even when it is used with emotions that make us uncomfortable.   When you find that you are face to face with some one who keeps on suggesting alternatives to your life and they do not have these qualitys it is time to take them out of your inner circle of friends.   I have two people in my inner circle; my husband and my sister.  All of us have been through alot of stuff in our lives; but we understand each other, each others thoughts, and feelings with love and compassion.   I dont think these people always have to be family, but in my experience it is difficult finding a friend who truly understands who you are.
          When we look in the mirror what we want reflected back to us is the very best possible version of us.  When we look into some ones eyes we want the same reflection.   A mirror is unconditional, it will show us exactly what we want to see.  So are the eyes of some one who truly loves us.   The unconditional love that we all seek only happens after years and years of condtions.   http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/conditional?s=t  If you truly want to have a relationship in some ones inner circle then you have to learn what are the conditions for being accepted are.   Why would anyone let just anyone into that inner circle?  Would you let a mass murderer in?  Would you subject yourself to abuse?  The idea of unconditional does not exsist and it is for people who have never experienced a truly long loving relationship. 
          Learning what it takes to make and keep a relationship is enduring.   It not only builds your self esteem but that of the other persons.  It says you are worth my time.  Which comes full circle to the reflection thing again.  What many people dont realize about the reflection they see in the mirror is this.   May be, just may be you dont like the reflection you see not because of what others dont reflect onto you but what you reflect onto them.   In firing certain people from my life it was not so much because I didnt like what they wernt reflecting in their eyes when they looked at me, it was that I didnt like my reflection in the mirror for tolerating it.   They were bad choices for inner circle people and I didnt like myself for it.  Once I changed that scenario I liked what I saw in the mirror and the people who truley belonged in my inner circle reflected the happiness that I felt in their eyes back onto me.   I like what I see in the mirror, the eyes that look back at me reflect what I want to see and this in turn is reflected from me onto others and from them back onto me.

“In the sky, there is no distinction of east and west; people create distinctions out of their own minds and then believe them to be true.” -Buddha

Deserving What We Get

Is Fate getting what you deserve, or deserving what you get?”
― Jodi Picoult, Vanishing Acts        



          I think that if we dont pay close enough attention we miss what the universe is trying to teach us.  I also think that the lessons dont usually come in brief,"Holy fuck!" moments for the most part.   I think when the universe wants us to really absorb something it teaches us through a series of random events that we are suppose to piece together.  So... if your really not paying any attention and not giving any thought to your day to day life you could miss...well...life and what we are meant to learn, and teach, and share.
          Being Buddhist I am focused on the idea of Karma alot.  Ive blogged about it before I know, but it is a never ending developing concept.  In its simplest form it is do unto others as you would have them do unto you; or be kind to everyone.  Simple, easy rules for everyone to abide by even if you are not Buddhist.   But for the Buddhist Karma is an intricate part of day to day life.  It requires thought, and an active, involved participation.  It is giving thought to the quote,"Is fate getting what you deserve, or deserving what you get?"   http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/fate?s=t
          I am responsible for my Karma only; not any one elses.  Karma is kinda like your soul.  Christians focus on the soul and making sure it reaches heaven.  Buddhists focus on their Karma and making sure that they eventually reach nirvana and end the cycle of reincarnation.  In christianity God is the light, in Buddhism I am the light.  Before anyone starts screaming blasphamy this means that I am responsible to me for my choices in life. Karma.  This idea has evolved for me lately and it is after a few random events that I finally am able to put it into words. 
          The first event is my son and his wife have moved out of state.  They are progressing forward in their life and building their life together.  Making and defining their own family.   I have found myself in a strange place.  While I am very happy for them I feel a loss.  I am truley done being a mother to this son.  He doesnt need me any more.  I have been a mother for 27 years; while I have had other occupations being a parent has been the longest one.  I have never changed professions in this area, have never been fired, have never quit, and have, for the most part, loved every minute of it.  I guess the feeling is the empty nest syndrome? http://www.psychologytoday.com/conditions/empty-nest-syndrome 
          Even though he has not been living at home for some years now, and has been with his wife for about 3 years; this time he will be far away.   A huge part of my life has been caring for and protecting my sons.  He is truley able to provide that to himself and his wife, and they will do this for each other now.   Exactly what we strived for from the day he was born.   Bare with me here, this will tie into Karma trust me.
         The next event is I have reestablished my relationship with my sister after having a few years of no commuhnication.   This is a very good thing.   But in all honesty it has gotten me to thinking about family things that I have chossen not to think about for sometime.  Which is also not such a bad thing also.  You know how it is though...so much easier to not think about them and /or deal with them.  
          Then I watched two movies.  Both very good and which I highly recommmend everyone watching.  One is a documentary called Hitlers Children.
 http://www.moviefone.com/movie/hitlers-children/10081760/main    This movie shows how the deeds, and atrocitys, of Hitlers top leaders of the Nazi regime left a horrble legacy for their familys.   Actual children, grand children, nieces and nephews talk about how bearing the names of such notorious persons has effected their lives.
           The second movie is This Must Be the Place with Sean Penn.  http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1440345/ 
This is a great movie. 
          So what do they all have in common?  Well Ill tell you.  :)  One of the reasons that I relate to Buddhism is because it is actually scientific and factual. 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nS2Y1wmg9f8
YES the parables and legends of how Buddhism originated are just that.  (Much like the teachings in the Bibles.)  They are lengthy and repetitive.  But like all great spiritual based literature they do have protions of extreme insight and knowledge that stand the test of time.   It has been scientifically proven however that the ideas of meditations, compassion, and life style are good for individuals and societys.  It has worked for thousands of years and continues to do so.   So when I think, read, and investigate ideas behind Buddhism I like to find the reality of the ideas behind the parables, teachings, and legends.  So lets take Karma.   Here are some sites for you to check out.
http://www.buddhanet.net/tib_heal.htm
http://www.kagyu.org/kagyulineage/buddhism/
http://viewonbuddhism.org/karma.html
          Condensed these all explain that Karma is what encourages us to live a healthy, full filled life.  Use compassion, kindness toward all living things.  Do no harm to yourself and/ or others.   If we live a life full of addictions, suffering, and attachemetns then we are destined to be reincarnated and try again.  This goes on until we get it right.   Sounds very superstitious doesnt it?  All full of mysticism, legends and rumor.  But I recently figured something out that is based on real life.
          When we have children we are technically reincarnated.  Portions of us are given to our children; not only physical features but also morals and values.  We are the role models, and teachers, of life to and for our children.   This is a fact that I have seen often in child development and social work.   Generations of familys with addicaiotns, abuse, neglect, low education, poverty etc. These lifestyles are reincarnated generation after generation. We pass this on to our children.  If we never try to learn for ourselves how to not repeat the mistakes that came before us, the things that were taught to us, reincarnated in us, we are destined to do it again and again.  Makes sense doesnt it?  
          While I was watching Hitlers Children I was especially struck by the grandson of...I cant remember which concentration camp commendant.  (Which is good, need to leave some mystery to the movie for you.)  This grandson was wracked with guilt.  Simply by inheriting the name of his grandfather he inherited the crimes.   He didnt beleive in anything that his grandfather did and was appalled by it all.  The fact that some one who was responsible for his life was such a monster was surreal to him. The other part of this that struck me was actually pretty obvious.  The grandson, and others of the movie talked about the generational abuse; physical, mental and emotional.  A couple of people suggested that it was a mind set that was passed from generation to generation.  Bad Karma reincarnated by choice and it was the people in the movie who were trying to change that.  Alter their Karma.
          During one portion of the movie the grandson was speaking to a group of young jewish people, many of whom looked at him with hate, one of which stood up, and said through tears, that his grand father was responsible for exterminateing her family. He could not reply to this; how could anyone reply to this?  But then a concentration camp surviver, an elderly man walked up to him, numbers tattooed on his arm, walking with a cane, came up to the grandson and hugged him and said its not your fault,"Tell them its not your fault" he said to the grandson.  The grandson broke down and sobbed.  Karma.
          In that moment it occured to me how much worse so many of us could have it.  For all the horrible suffering that I inherited from my family it occured to me that how I choose to handle it is my Karma.  How I choose to live, despite that knowledge, is my Karma.   How my son and his wife choose to live their lives is their Karma.   What matters is living a life full of love and compassion.  Do not harm.
          In the movie This Must Be The Place Sean Penn, Cheyenne, is a burnt out rock star living a humorous and quirky lifestyle.  The movie takes an interesting turn when his father, that he hasnt spoken to in 30 years, dies.  Cheyenne goes back for the funeral and takes up his fathers life quest of finding the German officer who was in charge of Cheyennes fathers concentration camp.  I am not going to give away the ending but this is a must see movie also.  Towards the end of the movie Cheyenne has a phone coversation with someone who tells him that,"pain is not a destination."  Karma....  When we choose to repeat the mistakes of our parents we are reincarnated into a life that the people before us did not learn from.  While the mistakes that they made are not suppose to effect us, when we repeat them, we make the consciouse choice to let them.  Their mistakes were and/or are their Karma.  Us repeating them is our Karma.
          If we fill our lives with nothing but pain, (suffering)  and look at life as being full of nothing but pain we will live and die with that Karma.   If we have children and we teach that life style to them they might repeat what they learned form us.  Yes their Karma, but ours also.  Technically we did them harm by teaching them that lifetysle...our Karma.   How long will patterns of generational abuse go on before it ends?  In New Mexico the words mi familia are used often with in an interesting social structure....gangs.  Many gangs have generations of familys in them, grandfathers, fathers, uncles, sons, grandsons, including the women also. Mi familia reincarnates violence as a lifestyle.
         Many familys, all over the United States, pass on their legacy of living off the governing system of welfare and food stamps.   You can tell who these familys are because they are very adapt at collecting from the system while still benefitting from school, careers, relationships etc.  They were taught, in more familys then you realize since the start of welfare, that taking additional funds from the government is something that they deserve under any and all circumstances.  They were taught and choose to reincarnate the addictive mind set of victimization.  AND while they will aknowledge the fact that they have the same opportunitys as many of us to live a different life they have been taught, even brain washed that this is not possible for their family.   Karma.  http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/victimization?s=t
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/addiction?s=t
          I think that if we are aware that we are humans with everything good, and bad, that goes with it we understand that not only are we cabable of greatness we also, more often than not, may not reach it.   But on the other hand what is the deffintion of greatness?   Isnt it a matter of perception that should be left up to each individual?   My father told me once that we are all on this earth to help each other.  We may only touch one persons.  We may never know who that person will be but it is the reason for always being loving and compassionate.  Karma.   It truely does begin at home.  We want to send our children out into the world to do good things.  If they help others, have good morals and values, are compassionate and selfless then we have used good Karma.  We are on the path of Nirvana and the cycle of reincarnation ends. 
         SO I paid attention to what the universe showed me through a series of events and this is what I have concluded.   Will I miss my son and his wife?  Yes most certainly.  Do I beleive that they will live a life full of love and compassion with out mine and my husbands guidance?  Yes.  Was I a perfect parent?  No.  Did I live a life of good intentions always giving love and compassion.  Mostly.  Do our sons know right from wrong, even if the wrong was done by their parent?  Yes.   Did we teach them that everyones mistakes are their own and that mistakes, whether ours or some one elses, are there to teach us?  Yes.  In this list is there anything else that I was suppose to teach them?  No.   These few simple rules will, and have, taught our sons to be outstanding human beings.  They make good choices.  They learn from their mistakes.  They surround themselves with good people.  They go out into the world and make a difference.  Because they know all of this they are successful human beings by any diffinition.  Karma.   In knowing and realizing this I finally understand that what I lived as a child was not my Karma.   My Karma has gone out into the world and made it better.   After sharing this ask youself now.  Is fate getting what you deserve?  Or deserving what you get?  What is your perspective?



“it is impossible to build one's own happiness on the unhappiness of others. This perspective is at the heart of Buddhist teachings.”
― Daisaku Ikeda

Adolescence 102: Or How to Survive Mothers Day

        




           I find it hard to write just about anything; something has to hit me.   So mothers day came and went.   A couple of weeks later however something hit me.   I will share.   As all mothers know raising kids whether they are male or female is a challange.  Its not just about teaching them to walk, talk, feed them selves etc.  Those things they kinda pick up on their own by watching people around them; its just your job to be excited and praise them once they do it.  The hard things to teach are empathy, boundaries, morals, values; especially when they enter adolesence and adult hood.  Im sure all my friends who have grown children will agree that parenting never really ends; it takes on a different quality then when they were little but its still around.
          One of the things that I get a little crazy about when my sons dont respect the boundaries is borrowing things with out asking and then not careing for them after not asking.  It is rare that the eldest two do this any more.  With those two sons, and their significant others, it is more of reminding them that mine, and my hubbys home, is not a motel and they are still expected to clean up after themselves.  Although I have offered that I can be paid for being a maid.  :P  
          Our youngest however has not quite reached that phase yet.   I have found this extremely frustrateing from time to time.  And honestly when Im in a dark place I almost think that he does it on purpose.   Then I got to thinking... all our kids had difficulty with what Im about to share and I think i figured out why.   My youngest is still learning about appropriate boundaries when sharing space with others.  This is another skill we are not born knowing, it has to be taught.  I think learning these boundaries is very important.  Not only does it teach how to behave when sharing space with others at home, but it teaches how to respect space in work places, and when visiting other peoples homes.  Have you ever invited someone over and they just enter areas of your home with out being invited?   Its feels like an invasion of privacy.   Or how about the parents that bring their kids over and the children proceed to behave horribly in your home?  They run around, slide down your stairs, jump and wrestle on your furniture and the parents just sit their and smile and do nothing.   Pht...let me tell you, in this house, if you dont discipline your children we will.  You dont want us to then teach your kids manners and boundaries.  We dont expect children to just sit their and say yes mam and no mam but for Buddhas sake there is no way I am going to allow them to ruin my carpeting and furniture; unless of course you agree to replace, and or fix, what ever damage they do.  Which most people will not.  I beleive in people being accountable; if you wont hold your children accountable for their behavior then I am going to hold you accountable for it.   Im done venting I will continue.
          I think all adolescents will go into their elder siblings rooms, and parents rooms, and take things that dont belong to them with out asking.  Technically yes this could be considered stealing, so its kinda important that you teach this to them.  They cant enter a work place open a cash register and take ten doallrs with the intent of paying that money back later.    Dont get into a rage about it.  ALmost every teen does this.   They are testing the boundaries.   (Once again reminding you that that is exactly what you want them to do at this phase of development)  If you get really angry and scream and yell you will negate something else that is very important for them to do.  Communicate.   If every time your adolescent tests the boundaries of acceptable behavior you react, instead of respond, then they will not come to you and talk about challanges in their life, which you really need to be their for right now.  So take a deep breath find your happy place and chill.  
          There is a 6 year age difference between my youngest and his next brother.  Our youngest has actually always been very mature for his age and has actually had difficultys fitting in socially sometimes.  Kids his age seemed silly and stupid to him from time to time.   When he was in public school this was difficult for him.  NOw that he is a young adult it works;  he likes to hang out with people older then him.  He is very successful in the work place.  Adults are always surprised to find out how young he is.  He still exhibits some developmentally appropriate behavior sometimes and right now it is respecting boundaries in the form of taking things that are not his with out asking.  OR borrwoing things with permission and not returning them.  This mostly applys to me...and as previously stated it kinda pisses me off.  YES I said it; it pisses me off.  I always start off being petient.  "Please get all of the dishes and glasses out of your room and put them in the dish washer."   The next day, "get the dishes and glasses out of your room and put them in the dish washer now please."  The third day..".I am done being nice about this I have told you politely two times to get those dishes out of your room DO IT NOW!"  (Yes I raise my voice at this point.)  Then he drops attitude that says I dont know why your so upset with me.   sigh.....
          THeir have been things borrowed from me, and I use that word borrowed very loosly, over the years that cover a wide variety of things.  DVDs, CDs, Game Disks (I use to have all the Final Fantasy disks but ask my sons what happened to them) towels, wash clothes, silver ware (which i have decided are like socks; it just disappears into another plane of exsistence)  Dishes, tupperware, money, books, to name only a few items; thank goodness they are boys or otherwise Im sure I would miss some clothes.  Although my hubby seems to loose socks alot and sometimes t shirts and beanies.  Funny story associated with socks that I will share to break up the seriousness of this post.
          I remember when our middle son was in junior high and my hubby had just had a "dsicussion" with him about taking his socks.  My husband told our son in no uncertain terms to not take his socks with out asking anymore.   About three days later my husband is walking past our son while he is stretched out on the couch watching tv.  My husband stops suddenly looks at our sons feet and says are those my socks?  Our son looks a little uncomfortable and replys yes.  Hubby says," what did I say three days ago?"  " Not to wear your socks any more."  "GO take them off please."   "OK."   But then three days later the same thing happened.  Hubby is not so nice now.  "I told you not to wear my socks anymore and you still went and took them anyways."  Our son looks at him very matter of factly and say," I never took them off they are the same socks....."  Hubby and I went around the corner so he couldnt see us laugh.   This of course open a whole different conversation concerning hygene.
          Any ways there is a point to this hodge podge of thoughts.   In my never ending pursuit of takeing lemons and turning them into lemonade I think I figured something out about the adolescent borrowing policy.  They take things of ours because they still want us to care for them.  They still want us to notice that they still need our attention and approval and in the abscence of praise they will look for any ways to get our attention.  Dont misunderstand we praise in this house BUT I also believe that adolescence is a time when they need to start tuning into their internal motivator; you know that little voice inside us that tells us when we are doing right and wrong, as opposed to the external motivateing voice of the parents. It is human nature. however, to want attention and attention for bad behavior is better then getting no attention at all.   (I also think that adolescents have sometimes a slightly scewed perception of what they think is good attention so you must show them the difference.)
           I think when we have grown children we forget that the need for our parents approval never really goes away.  I cant tell you how many times I have sat and listened to people share that their parents never liked them, or their parents have never approved of their choices, or their life.   Perhaps that is true in some cases.  But as a parent i think it is important to role model that you can still praise good choices even if they are not the choices that you would choose for yourself.  Also, how many of us as grown adults still want our parents to praise us for a job well done.   We're in our 50s for Buddhas sake and still we want them to say Im proud of you.
          Your grown children still need something from you; your approval.  Your prasie.   When my youngest was little he had a blanket that he loved and took every where with him.   You can take a blanket, or charished stuffed animal, to pre school with you.  You cannot however take it to elementary school with you.  So I cut a little square out of it for him when he was five, while he watched, taking the time to explain to him what I was doing, and he could carry around the little square in his pocket while at school; no one knew and he was happy and secure.  I use to spray a diluted soution of my favorite perfume on and under my middle sons bed before he went to sleep at night when he was very little.  This made him feel that I was always their looking after him.
          We do these things when they are little with out almost thinking about it.  We know its what they need to feel safe and secure; but how do we do this for them when they are adults?   We give them money if we have it to help them out, we help with transportation, pay for their schooling, provide a roof over their heads and give advice when aksed for.   But does that really help them feel safe and secure?  YES they need to give that to themsleves now.  YES they need to feel that they are capable of giving it to themselves.  AND there it is the opportive word FEEL.
          In child development their are two kinds of motivators the internal one and the external one.  When kids are very little they are motivated mostly by external things, primarily parents, teachers, etc.  Its why we put cheerios in the tiolet for potty training sons or give stickers for chores.  As they get older internal motivators kick in.  BUT if a child is not taught to recognize how something feels they sometimes dont recognize their own internal motivators.  It is the parents job to not only praise a job well done but to also ask their child, "how does it feel?"  And see you did it all by yourself doesnt it feel great?  Or you should feel good you did great!  You teach your child that the ultimate goal of their life is to be independant.  Not just an extension of you!  Their own individual person with their own feelings of accomplishment!  Its pretty great when you think about it.
          Yet when you do this, and I speak from experience, they will still find a way to take some of your stuff and keep it.  WHY?  Well it took me a few days but I think I figured it out.  If you did a good job with your kids regardless of their rebellion against you.  Regardless of their attitudes, impetience, anger, and frustration not only do they still want your attention but they really do love you and want to be like you.  They will take things that they admire about you.  Things they like about you.  In the case of the socks with my hubby well...my sons are literally trying to fill his shoes.   Putting on dads socks is symbolic of being a man.  So we dont say anything about it anymore we just write extra money into out budget to buy socks for hubby about every three months,or less.  
          My sons take my music.  Well I am one of the few moms at 51 years of age that listen to Korn, Disturbed, Queens of the Stone Age, and lots of other music that other parents dont listen to.  AND I dont agree with the mind set that listening to the music that a younger generation listens to makes me immature.  I have a love of music of all kinds so I listen to music of all kinds.  Because I do this, with out judgement, I have also been able to share other types of music with my sons, and their friends, that they mabey would not know about if it wernt for me.   So my sons take my music and listen to it out of respcet to me.   So I have stopped making a big deal out of it; if the disk gets ruined they replace it.  I have also noticed that if my husband and I volutarily share some things of ours with them they are less apt to just take it with out asking and we have role modeled appropriate behavior for them. 
          Boundaries that still must be respected, how ever, are attached to space.  Shared and individual spaces must be kept clean and neat out of respect for others, the home owners/land lords (both parents btw) and for yourself.  This doesnt mean that spaces are kept OCD clean, it means that everyone cleans up after themselves.  Rooms are kept clean because individual rooms are owned by hubby and I.  They will not live here for ever and we get what is left behind.  We dont really want to rip up carpeting because in the time stayed with us you never vacuumed.   We dont want to have to buy more dishes and sliverware because you didnt take care of them.   Most of all you dont want us coming to your home and treating your things badly...which hubby and I sometimes joke about doing.   We also always knock before entering there rooms even though at certain ages they wont do it for you.  I can share that this ends;  right around 14 they start knocking...especially if you remind them that they could walk in on you and hubby having sex.  :P  This is a horrifying thought to your adolescent; dont mince words about it just tell it like it is.  Remember suttle appropriate embarrassment is a form of discipline in adolescence.  Dont embarrasse them around their peers etc. just find a good time to remind them that you dont have to do anything because at some point there disrespectful thoughless behavior will embarrass them and being a good parent you will not protect them from this valuable learning experience.  Remember we learn best by making mistakes.  :P
          Anyways heres the Pith of the Matter to this whole little rant.   On Mothers day I was faced with realizing that not one, but both sons had taken advantage of my space and some things in it.  You know I love my sons; but I dont want to be their mommy any more, I want to be a mother.   So dealing with this is exhausting especially on Mothers Day when, as a mom, you kinda expect at least one day a year free of disrespect. 
         So Im up stairs in my room laying in bed and watching reruns of the West Wing on Netflix when it occured to me.   They are actually paying me the highest form of respect.   They love me, and things about me that define me, and still want me close in their life.  So being adult males and at the age where they are still figuring out what is an appropriate show of public affection that wont make them look like mommas boys they borrow things of mine.  They listen to my music, they play the same computer games, they eat my ice cream and drink my juice....and you know what?  Im ok with that for now.   Some day they wont even be doing that and I will miss it.  So I put extra ice cream in the fridge, extra juice, make them the things I know they like to eat.  Ask them about music, sit and listen to it with them, watch while they play their console games, fold the unfinished laundry in my laundry room, ask questions about their day and feel love and extreme pride in all three of my sons.   So weeks after the fact I realize it was a pretty awesome Mothers Day after all.  :)

Just For You

        

          I have many people in my life that I hold dear.  Some, naturally, and for different reasons are closer than others.   My children (who are not children anymore) are, of course, are at the top of the list, my husband, for obvious reasons (and not so obvious reasons) and then a couple of other friends/relatives.   A while ago I blogged on what I call the inner circle.  The inner circle is where you hold that select few people whom you trust the most.  Its usally small, and contains mabey four to five people, usually less.  This is normal and does not at all line up with todays Facebook deffinition of friends; which is, who cares if you know them or not, more is better; more is not better more is just more...anyways I wander.  What I really wanted to talk about is something that I have learned lately about the people who are in my inner circle.  They all share one common very important aspect, forgiveness.  These inner circle people and I have all forgiven each other for some really shitty things in our pasts.  This forgiveness not only includes things we have done to each other, but things we have done to ourselves.  More importantly these people are just the forgiving kind of people. I know this but some aspects of forgiveness still needed to be answered; so here we go.
          What is this thing called forgiveness?  What makes it so important?  And why is there such a huge emphasis on using it?  Well I did some investigateing because, well I wanted to know. 
Psych Central defines forgivness as,"...letting go of the need for revenge and releasing negative thoughts of bitterness and resentment...a gift we give to ourselves."  Heres the site that has not only more detailed information, but steps on how to forgive.
  http://psychcentral.com/lib/2007/what-is-forgiveness/
          Next the christianity approach to forgiveness.  http://christianity.about.com/od/faqhelpdesk/a/What-Is-Forgiveness.htm basically states that there are,"two types of forgiveness in the Bible: Gods pardon of our sins, and our obligation to pardon others...our eternal destiny depends on it."  Im not Christian, so I have a little difficulty with this one.  So lets look at Buddhism and forgiveness.
http://www.lifebalanceinstitute.com/dharmawisdom/articles/forgiving-unforgivable
          Dharma Wisdom states that,"Forgiveness is about liberating your own feelings and finding meaning in the worst of lifes events.  You practice forgiveness to be free of the inner violence of your rage, and you do not abandon the pursuit of right action.  In fact, you gain clear seeing that allows you to use skillfull means in bringing sustainable peace." OK...I get this, but there is one more deffinition; the emotional one.  http://www.pbs.org/thisemotionallife/topic/forgiveness/understanding-forgiveness
          I found this site interesting because it discuss's that forgivness in not the same as reconcilliation.   And there it is!  The thing that most of us don't understand and there fore choose not to forgive.   "Reconcilliation is two people coming together in mutual respect...it requires both partys working together.  Forgiveness is something that is totally up to you.  Although reconcilliation may follow forgiveness, it is possible to forgive without re-establishing or continueing the relationship." This site also shares that forgiveness is not forgetting, is not condoning, or excusing, and is not justice.
          I was once told years ago by someone that it is actually better to forget than forgive...I could never get next to this idea and now I understand why.   By forgetting we do not acknowledge the wrong that was done to us.  For example; If I were to forget what abuse was done to me by certain family members I am not acknowledging that I have a right to feel angry, and betrayed by persons who were suppose to be protecting and nuturing me.  If I dont acknowledge this how can I move forward?  That is where we get hung up in forgivness.
          All of these different deffinitions say basically the same thing.  Forgiveness is necessary for our own well being.   Until we can get to a place where we at least understand what the other person did, and why, we are almost in a holding pattern.  Circling the same place over and over again never truley being able to land on the place that brings us home; to the place of love and compassion.   Here's something else that took me awhile to understand about this whole idea.
          Forgiveness does not mean that you need to keep, or have the person who betrayed you in your life.  It just means that you understand the whole situation.  AND understanding the situation doesnt mean that you condone what happen!  It means that you finally understand that you would not be who you are now with out all the wisdom and experience that was given to you; whether it was choosen by you or choosen by some one else.  It says that I am ok with who I am now.
          I have sat and listened to countless amounts of people, in my line of work, tell me that they will never forgive the person who wronged and/ or hurt them. (Myself being in that long list.)  But here is something else I have discovered.   In the end, as the years progress, the anger you choose to hold on to, that builds up and causes depression, and anxiety, and a myriad of health problems really is only hurting YOU!   Most the time the person who did the harm has  1) no idea that they did you a wrong 2) doesnt remember what the wrong was about and  3) has let it go and just wants you in their life again.
          YES there are some exceptions to having someone back in your life.  I have had family members inflict physical and emotional abuse on me.  There have been some very distinct boundarys with those people and periods of non communication.  Heres the thing though.  It was, and has never been as a punishment but more of a Im taking space kind of thing until I am in a healthier place to set boundaries and follow through on them.  A time out, calm down time.   I also beleive in having absolutely no contact with things, people and environments that are defined as evil, detrimental to me, or dramatic.  (Here's the definition of that so there is no dramatic confusion.  evil.http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/evil?s=t  )  HOWEVER, when I choose to distance myself from something or someone it is never with out compassion.
          Showing love, compassion, and understanding is more about you than the other person.   When ever I see a news event on a school shooting I of course feel the most compassion for the victims and their familys.  But I enevitably also feel compassion for the shooter(s) and their family's.   How deep their dispair with life must be to commit such an act of suffereing.   The Tibetan Monks who set themselves on fire...yes what a desperate act to get the attention of the political system they feel are oppressing them; perhaps even seen as crazy by some.  But always I feel compassion for the suffering that brought them to that place and for the people who do not recognize that suffering.
          I think forgiveness takes two different paths.  One is saying Im sorry to the person who you wronged; saying sorry is about healing and respect not only for the person you hurt, but for you.  It does hurt when we say something to some one that was mean and or cruel.  Words do hurt and when they are said to someone we love... well inevitably we hurt later for having said them and causing a loved one to hurt.  You should not let feelings of guilt, pride and stubborness interfere with the healing process of saying Im sorry.  Nothing should interfere with feelings of love and compassion ever.  Be brave put on your big person pants buck up and say Im sorry.  It is not about pride, or stubborness, it is about love and compassion. 
          The second form of forgivness is learning to forgive yourself.  Everyone does stupid shit in there lives that they are sorry for.  I think when we dont for give ourselves for our mistakes we dont learn, we dont change; we stagnate and stay angry and blame.  In the end we can only blame ourselves really.  I have said before that I was abused growing up, physiclaly and sexually, not by the men in my family but by the women.  For years I blamed them for everythihng that went wrong in my life.  Yes it is true I have difficultys establishing friendships with females, I have some trust issues and other things going on.  Feeling betrayed, and not truley cared for by the important females in your life who are suppose to be in charge of role modeling what a responsible respectful caring woman is suppose to be is a hard truth to deal with.  But one day i got tired of it all.  I didnt want to feel angry any more, I didnt want to feel hurt, scared, depressed, anxious, or distrustful.  So I made the decision to forgive.  Forgive my abusers.  Then something happened that I didnt count on.        Suddenly I was angry at myself for wasteing so much emotional energy on these people for so long.  I realized everything that I had been missing by choosing to carry around so many negative feelings.  Then the pith of the matter...I had to forgive myself.  I didnt encourage the abuse, I didnt encourage the neglect, and I did have a right to how I felt.  So I had felt it...I was done...I forgave myself.  
Forgiveness requires alot of self confidence.  Forgiving doesn mean you were wrong or that you are saying some one else is right it just means that shit happens.  I learned form it time to move on.
          There is one thing that we forget in the forgiveness process.  It is the thing that sometimes keeps others from forgiving us.  You said you were sorry, but, with all due respect they are just words.  If you don't back up the words with actions of sometimes your apology is hollow.  Especially if you have turned the mistake into a bad habit.  Bringing flowers is all good, sending a card is nice but Im talking about something much more substantial and long lasting and no its not diamonds either.  It is change.  Share with the person whom youve wronged how you intend on making sure it never happens again.   When my husband and I were newly married, and even not so newly married, we had a bad habit of saying mean tings to each other when we were angry.  It didnt take very long to figure out that this was damaging to our relationship.  We loved each other we wanted to stay together.  So we made the rule, when someone says I need a break during a heated discussion no matter how pissed off we were we stopped the conversation and took a break.  It was hard at first especially for me...I didnt want to loose my train of thought and hubby had a bad habit of leaving a conversation and never giving it closure.  So the rule was then that if he needed longer than an hour he would share respectfully that he needed time to think and it was his responsibilty to open the conversation again with in a 24 hour period.  Well after some practice we have this down pretty well and I trust what he says to me and vice versa.  We learned how not to say things that we would regret later on and not need to forgive each other and especially ourselves for...one less thing to worry about.  So how did I follow up on forgving myself?
          When I learned to forgive myself and my abusers I learned how to set appropriate boundaries for whom I would let into my life.  I suddenly felt confidence in saying no to establsihing friendships with people who would take advantage of me, who would be disrespectful, who are not compassionate, responsible, respectful, intellegent, loving individuals.   My relationships with everyone became healthier and I became happier.  Huh...interesting how that works isn't it?  I made the decision to treat myself well; better than my abusers.  So my word of advice to you comeing from someone with some wisdom and experience is this.
          Isnt it better to have a small circle of people who you can truley call friends then a HUGE amount of aquaintances whom you call friend?  It really is easier to manage a smaller circle and it is easier to know who to forgive and keep in your life then just generically trying to stay nuetral about everyone and everything.  Being able to have our own opinions on life, on our morals, and on our values is what gives us confidence, and having people in our inner circile who support us in those opinions, even if they dont agree with them, is very important in how we choose to trust.   Trust is crucial in sefl confidence, Trust is crucial in compassion and love and forgiveness.  It is all connected.  So set those boundaries with confidence and dont let anyone try to make you feel bad when you look at them and say,"Im sorry until you understand the boundaries for us respecting EACH other I cannot have you in my life."  Maybe not in those exact words, but you get the idea.