The NEW and Improved Phases of Development: FOr everyone with or about to have children.

I have decided to rename the phases of human development as they apply to cleanliness.

Phase one- Is the need someone to take care of you and your things phase.  This is for infants and toddlers.  This is where someone needs to feed you, put your clothes ona nd off, wipe your butt, etc. etc.
Phase two- Is the "I can do it myself phase"  (But we all know you really can't so while your not looking we will go back and help you do it right.)  For three to about six years of age.   They like cleaning and helping but don't tell them they are doing that wrong.
Phase three- Is the Im gong to say Im doing it but its all just ending up under my bed phase.   This is a scarey phase when it comes to personal hygene...I don't know how the soap and tooth paste ends up under the bed but it does?  This lasts from about seven to 13 yers of age.
Phase four- Is the I wish we could go back to it all being under the bed phase...at least the room gave the appearance of being clean.   This phase is form 13 to about 17.   In the early ages of this phase you might see your adolescent give up personal hygene all together...or go completely over board on it wearing a gallon of some scented stuff that keeps everyone away.  Either way whether it is a lack of personal hygene or too much both are successful at keeping, usually persons who are about there parents age, away.  Their peers don't seem to be bothered by this.
Phase five- Is the I think I get the personal hygene thing now.   This is from age 17 to 20.   Be warned however, the rooms and actually any place that they have been will leave evidence of some kind of storm or tornado.  I never understood this really...how can bad weather happen in a home?  Not worry though clear weather is on the horizon.
Phase six- Is the its not your problem anymore phase.   This is from 20+.  They have moved out and it is there problem or someone elses; unless they move back home then see phase five, rinse and repeat until you successfully reach phase seven.
Phase seven- Is the Ive got hold of the problem now phase.  Thank goodness sigh of relief.  This goes on for a lengthy period of time until phase eight.
Phase eight-see phase one.  Usually reserved for the parents of the person experiencing the first seven phases.  

What goes around comes around.   Remember that kids next time you give your parents crap about keeping your room clean.  You may have to clean up our crap one day.   Think about it.

Apparition of a Butterfly

Apparition of a Butterfly 

Copyright Mark R Slaughter 2009

Upon a fuzzy vista – vision blurred –
I tried to focus; nothing ever solid
Came to view, but undeterred, I blinked
An eye to try again. Through the mist
A coloured hue; polychromatic flames
Had flickered at a whim; a rhythm bore
A thrumming too: a naturalistic hymn.
Behold! Were I to find a synonym to
Reproduce or recreate
The apparition of a butterfly,
Evolving through the waning vapour,
Drawing on a sigh from this romantic.
Glory be! The raging sun above
Had fired his furnace, flaming off
The hangers on. Now I saw the flare:
His time has come. He spread a tortoiseshell –
A scene of Mother Nature at her best.
I lay in peace in knowing I was blessed.

           Lately I have been feeling sorry for myself.  Yes I know, even I have been disappointed in myself.   It is unlike me to feel sorry for myself, I try to stay optimistic even when faced with huge challanges.  But let me be completely honest with you; it can become exhausting sometimes always trying to look on the bright side of life.   Life is messy, there is no way around it and life is full of suffering, that is a truth.   So this whole feeling sorry for myself once again gave me a reason to ponder; to bring me to a greater understanding and there fore a better attitude.
          In the spirtual path that I have choosen (Buddhism) the core of the teachings is how to deal with the suffering in the world.   The Four Noble Truths address the truth of suffering, the truth of the cause of suffering, the truth of the end of suffering, and the truth of the path that leads to end of suffering.  In a nut shell suffering exsists, there is no way to escape it, but suffering has a cause, and end, and a cause to bring about its end.   This view is not meant to be negative.  Actually it is an equation for helping us deal with life as it is. 
         Feelings of pleasure and happiness are fleeting and the pursuit of pleasure is and always will be fluttering just beyond our grasp.  Sickness and death are a certain, we will all experience them at one time or another; either in our selves or through another.  We don't try to avoid suffering, we just try to understand where it comes from, we embace it, instead of avoiding it, then we move on.  This is a truth. 
         Someone shared something very profound with me once concerning truth/ honesty.  You lay the truth at someones feet then you back away from it.  This is done with politeness and respect.   At first I thought this statement had to do mainly with our communication with others.  But when I gave it a closer look it occurs to me that we do it for ourselves also.  So being able to admit that I am feeling sorry for myself is ultimately not such a bad thing.  I am laying the truth of how I feel at my feet, Im examining it honestly and openly and I will back away from it...eventually. 
         So haveing laid it at my feet, lets look at its cause.   We all have people in our lives who take more than they give.   When you are a giving person sometimes this gets to you.   While giving people are, on the whole, friendly by nature, even the greatest saint will become tired from time to time.  In many biographys of great humanitarians there is always a phase of disillsionment.  During these times of disolution it is human to want to have others show their appreciation for everything you have done.  We want someone to take care of us for a change. To recognize our hard word.  To recieve worldy words and actions of praise. But...and here comes the truth.  Is this why we choose to be giving?
         I think giving people are giving because if we are not it feels wrong to us.   Like some how we are going against our nature...what is natural to us.   So ultimately we do not expect to get anything back.   So where does the suffering come from?  I cannot blame anyone for choosing to not be giving either to me or to anyone else.   Yes sometimes I will point out the selfishness of an act.   But I do not expect someone to live as I do.  And lets face it I am by far no Mother Theresa.  
        I am not prepared to give up my comfortable material life, it is my cocoon.  Although I do have immeasurable amounts of respect for anyone who chooses to do so.  Does this make me a bad person?  I don't think so, I think it makes me honest, I do what I can.   And what I choose to do is still much more than others.   Once again though that is not why I choose to be giving.   I do it because I truley feel that that is why we are here.  
       We are humans.   Humans were not put on earth to make money and do nothing but contribute to the monetary value of the world.  Money does not make the world go round.  We serve a purpose and that purpose is to treat each other and the world we live in with love and compssion.   When we reach the end of our journey all the money and wealth we have accumalted will not be what makes a difference, it will be our deeds.  
        Someone once told me that hell is how many people show up at your funeral...interesting.   But Im going to add something to that statement...it is not only how many people show up at your funeral, but the quality of the people who show up.   Ghandi not only had heads of state but persons of absolutely no wealth or standing in the community attend his funeral.   He was admired for his deeds towards all of mankind.  (and womenkind)  This is Karma; the good or bad actions taken during a lifetime. 
       Good Karma, such as being generous, rightous and meditateing bring about happiness in the long run.   The weight that actions carry is determined by five conditions: frequency, repitition, determination, intention, action performed with out regret, action against extraordinary persons, and actions towards those who have helped some one in the past.  These are not done with the intention of obtaining enlightenment.   They are done because it ends suffering...or put more simply, gives you joy.  This joy brings about enlightenment.   Enlightenemnt is to give information or understanding; instruct.  To free from ignorance, prejudice, or superstition.  True enlightenment in Buddhism ends the cycle of reincarnation.   I know all of this so why do I choose to suffer?   
       The Pith of the Matter.   I am human.  I am subject to the same feelings that we all are.  Being Buddhist does not mean that we are somehow immune to being human, it means that we recognize that we are human.   It does not mean that we deny what we feel, it means that we recognize that what we feel is part of life.   It does not mean that we are exempt of suffering, it means that we are comfortable with embracing that suffering.  And it means that once we have recognized all of this we lay it at our feet and back away. It is the path of Nirvana that we continue to choose to walk.
        Nirvana is the supreme state, free from suffering and individual exsistence.  It is enlightenment.  It is being free from wordly concerns like hate, greed and ignorance.   It is forever strived for and rarely obtianed.   It comes in moments of supreme peace and meditation.  But even the most devout monk will share that only a fraction of humans walking the earth through out history can make claim to true enlightenment.  The reason being is that human nature gets in the way.  No one is truley free of suffering...and honestly do we really want to ne?  By choosing to avoid suffering we choose to not walk the path of Nirvana.   We choose to avoid being enlightened.   We choose to not learn and grow as a person. 
       So this is what I have choosen.   I will allow myself to be human.   I get angry, but I never truley hate.   I get tired, but never for very long.   I get disillusioned, but I eventually get back in touch with reality.   I will allow myself time to think and feel, because not doing this only prolongs the suffering.  I will allow myself to feel, because I want to be remembered for my deeds. I will never stop giving, even though doing so sometimes causes suffering and not joy.  And while I am relalistic that my path of reincarnation will continue, because I have not reached a continuous state of enlightenment, I am satisfied with knowing that perhaps, just mabey, my next state of being will be one of the big yellow butterflys that play with each other, and have made a happy home in my back yard.  For now lying in wait comfortably, contentedly, in my cocoon, being able to watch, them is my Nirvana.


   

What's Love Got To Do WIth It?

          What does this word "LOVE" mean that we all throw about like one of those little super balls?  You know the balls I mean; the ones that come in multicolored sizes from a gum machine that bounce a mile into the sky then ricochet off a variety of objects until that little ball inevitably becomes lost or less likely gets caught.  I think the love word is kinda the same thing as a bouncy ball, when just tossed around.
         Just this last New Years Eve, after midnight had passed, after we had spent the first few minutes kissing and hugging, we begin either calling, or more likely text ing, friends and family who are with us in spirit but not physically to wish them a Hopayy New Year.   This year one of the many text's I received was,"Happy New Year, I love you sooooo much."   A text from someone I haven't heard from in over a year.   sigh.....wtf.  More than likey a drunken, possible hig on pills also, text sent with no thought of genuine feeling.  We did not part on good terms and I really don't miss this person.   But it got my to thinking about that word love.  
          Lets look this word up shall we?  Love, a profoundly tender passionate affection for another person.   A feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection as for a parent, child, or friend; sexual passion or desire. A person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart.   To have a strong liking for; take great pleasure in, to need or require; benefit greatly from, embrace and kiss.  OK I buy into all of that.  All feelings I can say that I have had for someone.
          The next step was I briefly searched how to know when you are in love.   No surprise that everything that came up was directed towards "couples".  Although there were a couple of interesting points that could be applied to friendship.  For instance one sentance I read was,"your a communication addict."  Meaning that the need to talk with the person you are having strong emotions over is high.  So I thought about this as it pertains to friendship.  My husband (who is one of my best friends) and I, for the most part, are still communication addicts with each other.  Infact, when I thought about it I've had lots of friends who's company and conversation I look forward to.   These are the people who I try hard to keep in contact with.   Who I look forward to communicateing with.  Who share in my joy and sorrow.  The conversations are effortless and interesting.  (I was going to put stimulating but I didn't want anyone to get the wrong idea.  :P )  
          The second sentance was, in a nut shell, the willing to risk being yourself point.  Which I interpret as follows.   When we are in a relationship that is safe, trusting and loving we have no problem letting the other person see every creepy, weepy inch of ourselves.  We trust that that person will love us regardless and not share those traits that we find embarrassing in ourselves with others.   Here are the sites incase you want to check them out yourself.
http://health.howstuffworks.com/relationships/advice/know-you-are-in-love.htm
http://www.dummies.com/how-to/content/recognizing-the-signs-of-true-love.html


          This information got me to thinking however.   If you are, or have been, in a loving relationship you know from experience that in order to find and keep love you must be friends first and always.  There will be days with your spouse when, due to a variety of different factors, you will not have the physical intimacy you crave, no matter how much you crave it.   The physical aspect of a relationship does not apply to being friends.
           Ive written enough in other blogs about my personal feeling on friendship so I'm not going to rehash that.   I even posted some sites that give advice on how to be a good friend.   At the core of any good relationship is trust.   Which brings me back to those two points.  When we communicate openly with someone we trust that that person is going to respond (not react) appropriately and keep our confidence.   We also trust that a beloved friend will accept us for who we are and not use the shared secrets as ammunition against us to gin control or power over any friendship.   This person who text ed me on New Years failed miserably on both points.  
          When I first got the text I momentarily allowed myself some feelings of anger and frustration.  I mean really, move on and leave me alone for Buddha's sake.   Then it passed to sorrow and exhaustion.   Sorrow for someone who has had an opportunity all year to come by my house and make amends but has chosen not too.  Sorrow because of all the times of the year she picks a holiday that is known for resolutions and new goals to express her feelings.  Exhaustion because the whole idea of this makes me tired...  
          The Pith of the Matter?   I love opportunitys to forgive and be forgiven.   The text that was sent on New Years Eve was neither of these.   It takes more of an,"I love you so much" text to achieve forgiveness; it needs honest follow through.   I have written before that the only love that is unconditional is the one we have for our children.   Even the love I have for myself is conditional.   If I am having a bad day and things seem to be falling apart in numbers to many to count their are conditions that I have set for myself in order to help myself deal with those days. 
          Do not mistake this idea with being un-understanding; they are two different things.   I understand I, and others, are human, and there fore wonderfully flawed and imperfect.  I expect imperfections, there is a miraculous beauty in imperfections.   Understanding conditions means that we have set boundaries in our lives.  And one of the most important boundaries we all should pay special mind to is the one of respect.  Here is the deffinition of respect in all its forms; http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/respect 
How can you love someone who you dont trust or respect?   In the equanamity of my greatest relationships I know that even on the days where we don't like each other too much I can trust and respect them, and they me, because they will always tell me the truth no matter how much it may hurt both of us, or no matter how much I don't wnat to hear it.   They have also never considered betraying my trust by sharing information that was not theirs to share and I have never betrayed them.  
          In the end I truley feel that more of us should have the self confidence to not accept a less then heart felt communication from just anyone; even if that just anyone is a beloved friend or family member.   It is that condition that earns us respect.   There are ways to express yourself in an honest, polite, loving way that not only encourages listening, but supports respect on both sides.   Yes sometimes we fail miserably at it; but it is far easier to clean up the mess of a misplaced comment then to say nothing at all, especially if the apology is honest, and lvoing.  Say what you mean mean what you say.  Be loving and compassionate with imperfections, have conditions for yourself, give and earn respect with those conditions, then the next time you toss the ball to someone they will catch it.

A Happy Life

A quiet mind.
A peacefull soul.
A contented partner.
An equal friend.
A loving family.
An intellectual conversation.
A thought provoking read.
A soothing sound.
A healthy meal.
A nutriant life.
A meditative silence.
A quiet mind.
A peaceful soul.
A happy life.