Wednesday, July 20, 2016

The Phase Of Peace: For Men About Women

 Image result for women peace        


          Women pass through many phases in their lives.  I am familiar with some of them due to experience, and some because of my education.  I have noticed that women, for what ever reasons, be it the tides, the moon, or what ever, seem to share phases.  I feel there is a reason for this and it should be noticed.
          When we are very young we are cared for.  We are taught by those around us, role models if you will, what kind of a woman we should be.  We are also taught by social media.  While our culture has taken great strides in women's progress we did, and still do, receive the same basic lesson.  I strong woman must look beautiful, speak softly, and not make the same mistakes as a man. 
          When we make the same mistakes the punishment is not the same there fore sending the message that we are not equal to men. I'm sure some of my male readers out there right now are raising their eye brows and feeling perhaps more that a little discomfort, and disbelief, at this perception, but its true.  I think you would be hard pressed to find many women out there who didn't feel this way.  While the suffragettes and women's movements are pretty much done with their work, and have achieved many great accomplishments for women, it does not mean that many of us do not fight the good fight daily.  How do we do that you ask?  Sit tight and read on.
          Some history for you on the females evolution into being a woman. 
          When a women hits puberty it is not, for most of us, a joyous event, even when our female role models try to role model that it should be.  Our right of passage into womanhood is messy and bloody.  It is scary, uncomfortable, and painful.  You will not find a woman who speaks fondly of this right of passage.  In fact this monthly reminder of womanhood continues to be an uncomfortable reminder most of our lives.  What makes this experience more bearable is other women who are sharing the experience.
          I had a professor once who spoke directly to the males in class and basically shared the following.  When a man is feeling achy, having stomach cramps, feverish, to the point that it makes him feel unable to cope with the world he will stay home and someone, usually a female, cares for him.  This is how a woman feels every month, and yet most males choose not to recognize this and care for the woman in their lives, whether it is their mom, sister, wife, girlfriend, etc.  Why is that?  Why is there a message out there that says to everyone, male of female, that this is to be endured quietly and nothing can be done about it?  My perception is religion has something to do with it...just sayin.
          We get past the rite of passage and realize that there is power in our changing body's in the form of sex.  This power is once again a awesome, thrilling, scary, and yes even bloody experience if not used properly.  It is during this phase that we learn what kind of man, or woman we want to spend, or not spend the rest of our lives with.  These perceptions at this time are also modeled by the people around us and the environment we are in.  I have never met a woman who has shared that her first sexual experience was wonderful.  It is once again messy, scary, and bloody.  (If you understand virginity and what happens when you are not one anymore you will understand the bloody perception.)  If a woman is with a significant other who is not understanding of how the second right of passage of loosing your virginity is into womanhood then this experience can, for many females, leave bitter memories that sometimes last a life time.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rZLbUIa7exE
          We get through the power of sex phase and enter our me phase.  There is a few years in our twenties, sometimes into early thirty's where life, for most of us, is pretty good.  We are going to school, working, being independent, finding our path in life, making friends, many of which will last a lifetime.  (Even if you loose some of these friends they come back around, trust me.)  It is during this time of confidence that we usually find someone and decide to spend our lives with them, build a family.  We get married, have kids, and our lives become messy and scary again.  For some even bloody.
http://www.domesticviolence.org/definition/
           Many of us settle into the role of wife/mother/working female/house keepers/nurse/friend/lover/teacher/cook/maid...too many to list, but its true.  Once again I feel some eye rolling going on from my male readers; perhaps you are thinking, at this point, that I am just another female feeling sorry for myself and/or getting up on my soap box/pedestal, complaining about things that men have been dealing with for century's.  Yes I, and other females, have heard these statements from males for generations.  I call shenanigans on many levels.  Just a thought.  What would the world be like if that thought I just had was not in my, or your your head?
           I know many males who share all aspects of life's responsibility's with their significant others, my sons included.  But even my sons, from time to time, share their confusion on the inner working, feelings and emotions, of women.  Why is there this confusion? 
          This phase exhausts us, both men and women, and even at times makes us feel extremely small and insignificant in such a big world that has already brought us so much fear and chaos.  Often times we sit and look at our choices and wonder why did we make this choice.  Unlike men however women rarely keep these thoughts to ourselves. 
          Many of us vent our anger, frustration, exhaustion and disappointment to the most important choices in our lives out of fear.  I have always believed a couple of things here based on my own personal experiences.  The first is that a good defense is the best offense; we sometimes choose to act crazy out of fear and disillusionment over what feels like a lack of control over our lives.  Second, we need attention, someone to tell us that everything is ok, that we are doing a great job, and that we are still treasured as a woman.  Third, we need someone to be our anchor from time to time.  To step in calmly, quietly, (quietly is important here), lovingly, and just take care of us for a change.
          I have heard many men have the same complaint; that no matter what they say, or do, sometimes it doesn't matter.  OK a couple of thoughts here.  Be strong, ride that storm out, if you love her be patient and understanding.  Some where in her head she is thinking that she does the same for you more often than you notice.  When you come home from work and are grouchy, tired, and distant you are giving her your version of bad behavior in a marriage.  When you forget, or ignore how she is feeling, and use excuses like I don't understand, I don't get where this is coming from, or just tell me what you want me to do and I will do it, you are sending a clear message that you are not being thoughtful and/or engaged in the relationship; that you leave all that messiness, and fear to her...alone.   If we wanted to be alone you would not be there, we are not that shallow which why many men have a hard time understanding women. 
         Men and women are wired differently, women think, analyze, examine every angle, men just act.  If men don't understand what they should do, if they have never been taught what to do while growing up, they will do nothing, not because it is the right thing to do, but just because they have been taught that what to do is, nothing.  It is often frustrating to women to have to teach their man what to do, but when it is successful it has great payoffs in the relationship.  The trick is not to be demeaning, and embarrassed about it.  We choose to be in a relationship with someone mostly out of trust for the other person, always assume that the other person has your best interest at heart.  Be thankful that that person is there to help you be better, listen to them, learn from and with them.
http://www.boredpanda.com/men-women-differences-comic/
          While women learn to navigate this phase we learn to be strong.  Yes, some of us break during this phase.  We do what men have been doing for century's, we leave, we self medicate, we abuse. The law now recognizes that because women have the same rights as men we also sometimes loose our family's just like men have. 
          Most of us learn to become strong and get through this phase.  Some of us raise our kids and send them out into the world, once again dealing with more fear and mess.  All of us watch the relationship with our significant other change.  What was once, for most of us, a relationship defined by common passions, for almost all areas in life, and an excitement for adventure, now turns into mostly routine, and neglect.  Now, I would like to point the finger at males at this point, but I cant, women play a part in this phase also.  But perhaps not for the reasons you think.
         I'm going to be completely honest with you.  Any relationship cannot be defined by sex alone.  It is not sex that will endure, it is fear, mess, and change that endure; for these reasons everyone should find a way to make their own individual lives better.  Relationships are also not defined by what you do together and how often.  They are defined by what you do together when you are together.  Quality not quantity.
          Relationships are defined not only by the time together but the time apart.  Both people in any partnership should remember this.  If you choose to spend quality time with your significant other than make an effort to do so and don't make excuses.  Don't let anything else come between you and that promise.  It is the promises broken and kept that everyone remembers.  Break enough promises and other things will break as well. 
          On the other hand understanding that change is the one surety in the world never forget to forgive some of those broken promises.  Set reasonable boundary's.  Know and define," what is my self worth, in order to be the best person I can be this is what I can, and cannot tolerate."  You must always understand that perfection is impossible, we are all human and learn from our mistakes. 
         Understand the concept of deal breakers in a relationship.  Abuse, severe neglect, repeated substance abuse, any kind of repeated destructive behavior.  The most obvious example of something like this is adultery.  Most people who have been married a long time will tell you that one, or both of them, engaged in another relationship while being in a committed relationship with the person they have spent their life with.  It was the suffering, the forgiveness, the wisdom, that came from that choice that actually caused more closeness, and the strength to endure.
          Some where in our 40's, the next phase, females will once again take a long hard look at their lives.  In human psychology, and sociology, there is information on this.  Suddenly we re-examine our spirituality, our careers, our relationships', not just with our significant others, but friends, and extended family in general.  In a nut shell we start discovering that we want to live an authentic meaningful life. 
          Yes being a part of others lives, in what ever definition/perception that is for every individual woman is and, was, an important phase of our lives.  But we hit a phase where suddenly feeling meaningful means more about us as individual's. 
          I think this phase is sometimes confusing to men.  It is not just about empty nest or getting old.  It is wanting to know that you put as much energy into yourself over the years as you did to others.  It is about understanding how to appreciate yourself as much as others.  It is about finally understanding that appreciation can only be given to yourself by yourself and that it is not dependent upon others.  It is a strength, a wisdom, a gift to ourselves by ourselves, independent from others.
          I cant tell you how many women I know that after a long day of working, cleaning, caring for others, loving, being compassionate, kind, etc. go home and cry.  Many men see this as a sign of weakness?  Why?  Because they were taught to do so.  In reality women cry to release stress, it is the stress releasing that causes women to live longer then men.  The worst thing you can do is ignore this.  I have heard many women share that they feel silly, and weak for feeling the effects of the stresses of their day.  I say embrace those emotions.  Use them wisely.  Teach anyone who is watching that yes you feel like crying sometimes, but you still get up the next day with a smile on your face and carry on.  This does not make you crazy it makes you a woman, and a human. 
 http://www.webmd.com/women/features/stress-women-men-cope
             I have learned something important after getting through my 40s.  I am a far better person for it, my relationships are stronger, I have new interests, a new spirituality, and life is a wonderful adventure for me again.  I also learned something even more important.  I did not need anyone else to learn and endure this, my life. 
            This was a revelation to me, and my husband, who suddenly remembered that not only did he have options in life, but so did I.  Now don't get me wrong.  Sometimes some reminding on both halves has to be done to encourage, and support, the partnership, and individuality.  The bottom line is by finding myself as a person again I was, and am able, to once again put my energy into being there for others.  Which, for most women, is what drives us. 
            The Pith of the Matter is this.  From the start life is scary and messy.  It is full of suffering, it is unavoidable.  It is how we are taught to deal with all the messiness and fear that defines who we are.  It is our perception of our life that make us who we are as individuals. I have no respect for anyone who looks at someone and places a label based on age, sex, religion, social status, etc.  The bottom line is this.  WE WILL ALL go through the same exact phases of life at our own time in our own ways.  Understanding this should not divide us.  Cut yourself and those around you a break.  Learn to go with the flow a little.  You don't need to have anyone share in the joys, fears, happiness, failures, triumphs, chaos, changes, in your life, all of them are yours alone.  If anything feel compassion for the person who chooses to ignore you and how special you are; think of all that they are choosing to miss out on.
          Yes sometimes others make a contribution, but whether those contributions are good or bad in the end their perception of events will differ from yours.  Your feelings on your perception are yours alone.  Just own it, its ok.  With ownership comes great power, confidence, and most importantly peace.  Peace is a great thing after all the fear and messiness.  It will not be peaceful all the time, but the moments will be great and wonderful. 
The phase of peace, I wonder what's next.
Emaho  Namaste Peace out

Jane Austen
“I hate to hear you talk about all women as if they were fine ladies instead of rational creatures. None of us want to be in calm waters all our lives.”
Jane Austen, Persuasion

Robert A. Heinlein
“Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.”
Robert A. Heinlein
tags: cats, humor, women
 
(see Fairy Tales blog   https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=3932333442274546027#editor/target=post;postID=2913142971048119951;onPublishedMenu=allposts;onClosedMenu=allposts;postNum=51;src=postname )