Wednesday, July 29, 2015

An Offensive Blog: A lesson on self control


Shannon L. Alder
“A very unwise man once said, “He who does not understand your silence will probably not understand your words.” A very annoyed woman once said, “He who does not want to communicate will never enjoy their silence for very long.”
Shannon L. Alder




        I love my friends, truly.  Every single one of them whether they are acquaintances, or stand with in my inner circle bring something to my life that enriches it immensely.  They make me think, and feel, about life in ways that I question I would if they were not part of my life and for this alone I value them.  Recently I made a post on Facebook.
 
James Otto's photo.

          One of my friends called me on it.  ;)  She basically shared that she finds many things in life offensive but doesn't react offensively.  I agreed with her.  She is definitely an excellent example of someone who I write about often in my blogs.  Some one who speaks her mind openly, honestly, with kindness, and compassion on many different issues that we as a society/culture need to change.  This brief FB conversation got me to thinking however, so to this friend, and she knows who she is, I say thank you.
         I will start my tale with a memory.  A couple of years ago I had a person in my life.  I will try to describe her and the situation as compassionately and respectfully as I can, I apologize if I fumble a little. 
         I saw the red flags of entering into a relationship with this person.  She was, and still is unfortunately, slightly unstable.  she is quick to react, highly emotional, full of anxiety, confusion, lost of goals, focus, and optimism.  She is also one of those people who makes every situation about her.  At a social gathering she is not that one beautiful person who enters a room and everyone wants to know because he/she radiates joy, peace, and beauty.  She is that one person who enters a room surrounded by an aura of anxiety and despair.
        My hubby often asks me why I seem to attract people like this.  Its the helper in me, the fixer, the protector, the teacher.  I am always pretty sure I can help everyone, which is absolutely not true, and is pretty selfish, arrogant and vain about me.  I'm working on it.  :/ 
         This person, not me, the other one who is not in my life anymore, doesn't have many friends.  When I see someone like this I think I can be their friend.  Usually it ends up not being so.  I allow myself to be "used" and end up feeling badly.  My fault not theirs. 
        This person would stop over unannounced often.  Ask for many favors, which I usually complied with.  Had expectations of needing me to listen and fix her often and rarely returned the favors.  This all came to a head eventually, not sharing the details to shorten the blog, and in my attempt to negotiate/compromise/mediate she said, "I find that offensive." 
        Honestly all I did was ask a simple question that I thought was appropriate concerning the circumstances we found ourselves in and needed some clarification.  She immediately after announcing that she was offended went to the dark side.  The friendship ended minutes later.  She has done this twice in our relationship and honestly, but not with regret, I am done.  She taught me some valuable things about myself. 
          The friends I have now share with me a mutual respect, politeness, compassion etc.  We understand each other even when we don't agree with each other.  Which is the major reason I keep the friend who calls me on things like being offended. (Who should not be confused with the person who said she was offended, they are two different people.)   There have been a couple of times where I have called her on some things she has posted on Facebook also.  Honestly I think we have a great respect for each other intellectually.  She is also a few years younger then me and I love watching her progress forward in her life knowing and feeling that their is someone out their who thinks like I do and challenges the world to think differently.
          Any who back to being offended.   I did a little research on being offended.  Here's what I found.
 http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/offended?s=t
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/offensive?s=t
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/offend?s=t
Simple definitions that simply put basically say that offend in all its plurals etc. are emotionally driven.  Either by someone purposefully, or not; sharing something that one or all of us find morally and valuably unacceptable.  HOWEVER some people are so good at sharing news that they will make what they share offensive to many people simply by reporting it. 
https://www.rcfp.org/browse-media-law-resources/digital-journalists-legal-guide/what-types-conduct-are-considered-offen-0
           When you search anything to do with being offended, offensive and/ or offend there is a whole slew of topics.  They address everything from culture, religion, morals, and more.  Which is perhaps one of the main reasons there are so many people out there feeling so offended about so many topics.  What I want to specifically address here is how to not let ourselves become offended about everything we see. 
           First and fore most for me I personally think, and feel, that the idea of being offended goes against my spirituality.  In Buddhism we constantly strive to be mindful in order to maintain peace.  I'm not going to lie, this is hard.  Monks and Nuns are able to achieve this with more ease, and grace, because they have made a choice to live in environments, and mindsets, that support, and encourage mindfulness.  They are constantly surrounded by people, and objects, that remind them what is truly important in life.  For us ordinary lay people it is not so easy.
          We ordinary people are constantly challenged to bring our mind back to the moment.  To not be diverted by offensive acts, thoughts, etc. and take notice of what we have right now.  The sound of my fingers typing on the keyboard, for instance, while I enjoy the ability to express myself using respect, politeness, compassion etc. to anyone who chooses to read my simple blog.  The sandalwood candle in my room filling my environment with a rich wonderful odor.  My dog snoring in the back ground.  The music I'm listening too.  The cup of coffee I'm drinking. etc. etc. 
          In Buddhism it is all these things that hold pleasant sensation's that we are suppose to focus on.  This gets tricky however, because we do not want to become so focused on the pleasant sensations that we become an unhealthy selfish.  Addictions are not just anything unhealthy that we put into our bodies that could cause an unhealthy functioning of not only our engine, but our mind,(i.e. drugs, alcohol) they are also anything that we become so focused on that we need to have it no matter what.  Sugar, soda, caffeine, cigarettes, sex, TV, computers, even our own peace.
          Buddhism does not specifically say to not include, or exclude, certain things, it is not that specific, it is only specific in sharing to stay away from things that cause you, and others, harm, unhappiness, and unhealthiness, however it is defined for every individual.  While it does imply that happiness is dependent upon others happiness, it does also support that being compassionate to others is not the same thing as making others happy.  We make others happy by being mindful of our happiness first.  Selfishness is not happiness.  So is it selfish to become offended by something we see or read?  I think this requires us to become very mindful.
         This is my mind on this topic.  The acquaintance who announced that she was offended and set about terminating our relationship simply because I shared my views/feelings honestly was using, what many could perceive as, offensive behavior.  I saw, and still chose to see her behavior, as something that causes mostly her and her family, grief.  I tried hard to be there for her, to support her, to be compassionate.  Now I have made the choice to be compassionate towards myself and step back because there is honestly nothing I can do for her.  I feel content in the fact that I did everything as best I could, with respect, intelligence, love, kindness etc., before letting her go.  I did not want to change who she was, I just did not want her to hurt and be unhappy.
          I addressed my Karma.  I cannot help her with hers.  Now to on lookers perhaps this whole idea appears self serving.  But if you are mindful to the facts of Dharma and how everything works together, and mindful of the fact that sometimes in order to help someone you have to not help them it all makes perfect sense.  Sometimes by addressing someone else's suffering we are inadvertently  causing more suffering.  If that is the case then its time to step back and become mindful.  Here's another important aspect to this whole mindset.  How does it feel?
         The feeling should be something that encourages joy, contentment, and a positive sense of self, but not totally devoid of remorse.  It empowers you to do the right thing not only for yourself but for whom ever is involved.  It is a feeling void of offensive emotions.
          We've all heard about tough love, but I have seen this concept misused and abused for selfish reasons.  Used to make the person(s) life, who initiate the tough love,  easier for them.  Tough love is hard on everyone if love is actually what is the motivating factor.  Tough love should not be an offensive act in any way.
          When I feel myself being offended I ask myself why am I offended?  Feeling offended is exactly that, a feeling, feelings are there to teach us something, to bring our awareness to something or someone.  So what exactly am I to become more aware of?  More mindful of?
          Most of what I see and hear on TV, radio, puters etc. could, and sometime does, offend me.  I am not oblivious to the atrocity's that happen in the world whether they are in my neighborhood, city, state, country, or else where in the world. 
         While I question the competent ability's of some of the reporting of these offenses, I also firmly believe that the universe wants us to have this information for a reason.  If we know what is happening any where in the world I believe we are part of that village and are meant to know and do something about it.  HOWEVER, how much can we do as individuals?  Becoming offended simply is not enough and in fact might do more harm than good. 
         Take the recent news events concerning law enforcement and people of color.  Has this reporting done more harm or good?  We tell ourselves that by reporting bad news constantly that we are being informed and, informing society of a problem that needs to change and be improved upon.  BUT in human development it is a fact that as humans we respond to praise better then anger and/or fear.  So why then do we need to focus on fear and anger?  I've said it before and will continue to say it again.  Because it is easy.
         We are led to believe that the path of lesser resistance is the correct path but this is not true.  We only learn when something feels hard.  It is our brain, a muscle, getting a work out.  I go to the gym, I work my abs come home in pain for two days, do I stop working my abs? No.  I know from the pain that what I am doing is working, eventually the pain goes away, it stops feeling so hard, and what I have left are stronger core muscles.  A stronger core helps me be more balanced.
         Making an effort to be mindful and to not be offended by so much of what we are presented with helps us to be stronger and more balanced.  When we are balanced we are able to respond instead of react. 
         I firmly believe that there is a minority of people out there who know exactly what to say and do to divert all of us from acting as one single united front.  YES I know that this sounds a little crazy, but I am not sharing that I think its everyone in the government, or law enforcement, or all spiritual leaders, all teachers, leaders, etc.  I believe that the majority of human beings in the world act and live with good intentions and mindfulness.  I think that there are a minority of influential people out there who know exactly how to use the system we have all created to get what they think they need to live a better life.  They are not at all mindful of the fact that how they choose to get what they think they need negatively effects many around them.  An unhealthy selfish.  Example?  It was one person, a Rockefeller who was responsible for the great depression because he wanted what he wanted at any cost. 
http://www.history.com/shows/men-who-built-america/videos
          The question here to us simple people is how do we stop them?  Well its simple really.  Don't become offended.  We all think that by becoming offended we are acting passionately about something we care very deeply about.  But anyone who watches the news, etc. will say that less attention is given to those people who are speaking, yelling, screaming, sobbing,  about what offends them and how everyone should, must, be offended also in order for change to take place, and this simply is not true.  What we most admire are the people, who have endured tragedy, challenges, etc. and are able to show us, teach us, strength, wisdom, and compassion. 
http://heroicstories.org/
http://www.howtobecomeahero.com/labels/buddhism.htm
          One of the first examples I think of, but not the only one, is the Dali Lama himself.  Exiled from Tibet when he was young, technically a man with out a home, has traveled the world his whole life teaching everyone whom he comes in contact with love and compassion, but first of all human frailty.  If you listen to him teach he never apologizes for being human.  IN fact he is quite open about the fact that sometime even he feels anger towards China.  But it is the anger that offends him and encourages him to feel compassion towards a country that took his home away from him.  In my book an outstanding role model.  One whom I think of when I become offended.
http://www.dalailama.com/biography/from-birth-to-exile
http://www.bbc.com/news/world-asia-china-30510018
         He teaches that in life we will be confronted with many offenses that we can do absolutely nothing about.  BUT if enough of us feel compassion towards the person(s) committing the offense may be, just may be, a positive change can and will take place.  In our history it is the compassion in the end that ultimately changes the world, not the atrocity's.  It is saying yes these terrible things took place but I choose to forgive.  Change truly does start from with in.  If so many choose anger that is exactly what we will experience.  If many choose compassion and forgiveness this is what we will experience. 
         My husband often debates this with me.  Implying that there is no justice in compassion, but there is.  If you choose not to let others offensive behavior touch you then they have no control.  The offensive behavior will stop.  This should also not be confused with something like a person shooting up a movie theatre and not receiving justice.  I do not how ever advocate or support raging around and speaking to everyone who will, and some who will not, listen how the world is going to shit and no one should go to the movies anymore.  Or how all cops are white supremacists.  All politicians are liars.  All Christians are self serving hypocrites.  The whole education system is shit. All Muslims are terrorists... you get the idea.   Generalities serve no purpose other then to separate us. 
          The Pith of the Matter is this.  Should we be offended?  My thought is yes.  It is human nature and makes us think.  But do we allow ourselves to become so offended that we are no longer able to be mindful?  My thought is no.  Fear, anger, hurt, impatience, are all the anti emotions and more often then not encourage reactions that do more harm then good. They keep us from responding appropriately.  They are the red flag emotions that tell us to stop, look, listen, think, be mindful.
          I personally choose not to not give control up to whom ever believes that the way to make us act is by  reporting offenses that encourage and support offensive reactions.  And that is the difference.  React vs. Act.  Does the offense instill an emotion of action or reaction?  One is moral, full of values, one is not. One is compassionate, kind, and wise.  One is not.  Do not be fooled into thinking that the anger you feel towards the offense you are reading is not the exact reaction the writer hoped to instill in you.  The challenge is to feel the offense with out the anger and fear.  Then you will be able to act on it. 
        I was a Social Worker for many years and saw all kinds of injustices, to all kinds of people.  Most to children.  I still feel offended.  But doesn't being offended imply that it was done to you personally?  And isn't that being selfish?  If we choose to believe that most people out there are just doing the best they can with what they are given then the feeling of being offended turns to compassion.  The challenge is to put your personal feelings aside.  Its about thinking about others, about someone else that makes the difference.
         If I was offended by the way someone choose to live I could never have done my job.  But choosing to be compassionate I could.  I could go into someone's house knowing abuse and addictions were present and still chose to listen, and teach and help people think and believe that they, and their family, deserved a better life. Am I perfect at this?  No. I constantly struggle to be mindful.  But it is this lesson I learned that brings me back to being unselfish.
        Sometimes I need to detach from an offense because I know there is nothing I can do about it and trust that there are people out there that think as I do and are taking action for me and others like me.  If we all choose to be offended to the point where more injustice takes place then how does knowing about the offense really change anything?  If you feel like being offended is the only thing you can do then perhaps you should find something else you can do?  We all have a role, a place in this universe, simply being offended is not fulfilling your role. 
       As a simple blogger I could say that when I make someone angry with something I've written I have succeeded in getting my message across and making them think; perhaps forcing them into action.  But that is not my hope.  My hope is not to offend people, but to make them think, and feel love, kindness and compassion towards life in general.  Perhaps that is why my writing will never be popular news, but that does not offend me.
 Namaste Peace out.

Shannon L. Alder
“The only real conflict you will ever have in your life won’t be with others, but with yourself.”
Shannon L. Alder

 

Monday, July 6, 2015

The Souvenir of Suffering: Or how a coffee mug changed my life.

Image result for coffee/love



The essence of love and compassion is understanding, the ability to recognize the physical, material, and psychological suffering of others, to put ourselves "inside the skin" of the other.  We "go inside" their body, feelings, and mental formations, and witness for ourselves their suffering.  Shallow observation as an outsider is not enough to see their suffering.  We must become one with the subject of our observation.  When we are in contact with another's suffering, a feeling of compassion is born in us. Compassion means, literally, "to suffer with." - Thich Nhat Hanh         


          I know everyone who reads my blog has been waiting in eager anticipation for how hubby's and my first flying alone with out the kids vacation went.  Well simply put FRICKING AWESOME!!!  Not for obvious reasons however.
          I have shared in previous blogs the concept of suffering in Buddhism.  In most things Buddhist suffering is an ever evolving concept.  Recently I learned a couple of things, that may seem obvious to you, but for what ever reason was not clear to me. 
          In order to effectively help others suffering I first must be able to address my own.  This is done by being compassionate to my self first.  As a mom, retired Social Worker/child development person, wife, etc. this concept gets lost to me more often then sometimes I care to admit.  It is natural for me to put others first.  Sometimes almost a necessary evil.  How, you ask, does this relate to hubby and my vacation?  Well I'm glad you asked!  Here's how.
          Day of departure started off wonderfully.  Actually slept pretty good so getting up early to meet flight departure wasn't too bad.  Got my coffee, which is SUPER important to my being able to function, on any level...just sayin.  Son drove us to airport in Orlando, we beat all the traffic, and even had time to have a little breakfast, with more coffee, before getting on plane. 
         Going through security the family in front of us had 5 kids, with strollers, baby formula, lots of baggage requiring to be hand checked by security.  The poor dad looked lost, confused, and frazzled, Disney World was evidently not what he had expected.  Hubby commented to him, "your doing great, it gets easier." And winked at him.  Receiving in return a thankful smile from the dad.  
          We leisurely strolled to gate, holding hands, talking, smiling, laughing. Sat down to wait for the flight, people watching, it was nice. Then it happened, we weren't actually too surprised, because if you read We're Not In Kansas Anymore blog, you know that we prepare ourselves.  Flight delayed.  Ok no problem, if this is the worst thing we have to deal with then no biggy.  We're still together, and we're both super happy about a vacation with out kids; a break from our normal routines.  Hubby checked flight info and seemed to think that even with delay we should be able to meet our connecting flight in Houston. Then suddenly, unexpectedly the suffering started...
          Because I have never flown alone with hubby not in parent mode I had no idea that he really disliked waiting around in airports.  Even when he has his laptop.  As the lay over progressed he became more and more grouchy and detached.  His communication became shorter and shorter.  Every attempt I made at humor was returned with a slightly hostile look that said, "Really?  You thought that was funny?" 
           Then the second announcement of another delay. sigh... I took a deep breath and prepared my self.  Hubby and I walked to gate and was greeted by a grouchy woman who bit our heads off...something about dealing with other flights first, we apologized, smiled, walked back to our seats and waited. I took another deep breath, starting to feel at this point like I was surrounded by grouchy people.  I revved myself up for an undesignated amount of time with grouchy airport ridden husband, who should not be confused, by the way, with vacation hubby, they are two different people I have since learned. 
            Needing a break from deep breathing I decided to take a stroll down to an over priced airport store, got some water, chocolate, because even though I am anti- sugar these days the situation  called for chocolate, a cross word puzzle book, pencil, and then leisurely strolled back, eating my Snickers bar, to grouchy airport husband, breathing normally, people watching, and enjoying the break alone.  I returned to hubby and tried to engage him in crossword puzzles, no go.
          I finally, calmly, with a smile, mentioned that he could try to make the best of the situation and enjoy each others company.  It is as this point that he explained that he didn't like waiting around in airports and he did so much of it when we were younger when he traveled for work.  I said a silent thank you to the universe for omitting me from that portion of his life during that time of ours.  Finally we got the go ahead to board the plane.
          Before boarding we were ensured by a different, less stressed, pleasant desk person that we would make our connecting flight; they would make sure that there was a shuttle bus to meet us. The day started to look up again and hubby's mood got better.  We only had to deal with two seats, instead of three, so hubby and I could comfortably, and even a little excitedly, snuggle on the plane.  We joked about putting a blanket over us and seeing if we could get away with behavior that made us parents in the first place, but decided the plane was too crowded and it wouldn't be possible. So instead we both napped a little, I read, we got our drink and snack, talked, laughed, held each others hands most of the time, it was wonderful.  THEN we get to Houston.
          We knew things were turning to the dark side when a stewardess got on and made the announcement that there, "were a few people on the plane who had minute's to meet their connecting flights and could everyone else on the plane please allow these people to get off first; would the people who needed to get off immediately please raise their hands" and two thirds of the plane raised their hands.  sigh.... 
           I wondered how many of those people sat next to a talkative person they just couldn't take anymore? Or how many were seated next to the couple with two toddlers who took turns kicking seats and screaming and crying. Or how many just needed to stretch their legs?  The point being that we had 20 minutes to meet our flight, 15 of which required getting off plane, another ten needed to get to get to other side of Houston's airport in which the shuttle could only take us as far as the super sonic train which after getting off we needed to run, which felt like, another 40 miles to get to gate.  You do the math. 
          Hubby tried to run, I on the other had looked at the clock on my phone, did some math, which I can do now since college algebra, and thought nope, not going to happen.  To my husbands extreme frustration I decided I was not going to wear myself out for a flight that we were most obviously going to miss. Surprise, flight missed.  Persons at desk said we missed it by a minute or two, but the flight was no where in site, so probably more like 5-10 minutes as it was already on runway and taking off.
          I could see that hubby was going to try and blame me.  I ignored hobby's attitude, again, took a deep breath, and we began the track to customer service.  Customer service...HA! (as you can see this is where my mood starts to change.)  Hubby walks up to counter and shares our predicament.   The customer service people all look either angry, impatient, frustrated, and/ or frazzled...bad day for everyone I guess.  TO make a long story short all hotel rooms are booked because evidently there is a big storm system that is delaying everything...where is this storm system you ask well over Texas of course.
         I am an ex New Mexican and like all good residents of any state we dislike our neighboring state.  Michigander's don't like Ohio, Floridians don't like Georgia and New Mexican's don't like Texans.  Add that I have never cared for Texas; Its a boring state to drive through, has no rest stops,  too many armadillo's, strange politics, even stranger residents, its too big, has an iffy history, too hot and humid, and this is my short list, needless to say I was not happy to be stranded in Texas over night.  As far as I am concerned the only good thing to come out of Texas is the movie Giant with Elizabeth Taylor and Rock Hudson, neither of whom were any where in sight!  (I just noticed how much I relate states to a movie...interesting...)
         Then the girl behind the counter, whom I may add, resembled someone who I no longer relate with because, in a nut shell, she is bat crap crazy, tells us to check back in 30 minutes, all hotels are booked.  She hands us some food vouchers and gives us a smile that suggests to me that she too is crazy and won't be able to help us at all. 
         At this point it is after 11pm...everything is closed, so no food either!  pffftttt.....Like Kansas I hit my breaking point.  However, I am older now so I don't throw a fit, what I do do is turn, walk away from people with crappy attitudes, which is everyone as far as I am now concerned, go out to the hall, and, instead of picking a comfy chair, or bench, to sit in, plop my 53 year old slightly over weight ass on the floor, back against the wall, close to the ground, open my phone, and begin to play gems.  I have had enough....suffering has commenced.
         I sense hubby quietly coming out, he quietly approaches me like a lion tamer with no whip and asks, "you ok?"  I wanted to scream, "ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!?!!!!  I just spent the last few hours with grouchy airport husband trying to make the best of a situation, then stuck in a plane with to many selfish people at one time, which, by the way, none of them are here so THEY must have made their flight THANK GOODNESS FOR THAT!  Wouldn't want anyone to suffer what we are! Ran across Houston airport, and by the way in case you have forgotten I HATE Houston and Texas and wanted a Atlanta lay over, to try and meet a flight that we had no  chance of meeting finally to be told that there are no hotel rooms...OF COURSE IM NOT OK!!!"  But I didn't.  Instead I just looked at him with the same look Ide been getting from him for most of the day and said, "I'm just tired and hungry."  
"We have food vouchers"
"EVERYTHING is closed Joe! I'm telling you now if we don't get a hotel room and I have to sleep in the airport over night I am not going to be nice to anyone, I've had enough. In fact I will go and check and see in 20 minutes if we have a hotel room these airport people can deal with me now!"
"Ok" he said with that tone of voice that suggests, but if you unleash hells fury on the poor customer service girl we most assuredly will not get a hotel room. 
          I gave him a look that made his looks of the last few hours run quickly in fear.  He momentarily got scared, I could see it, he was thinking oh god what did I do.  And then suddenly as quickly as he had come on airport husband was gone and replaced with hubby.  I wanted to cry and almost did.  Hubby looked at me and said, "It will be ok babe.  Come on lets take a walk and see if something is still open."  Buddha I love that man. 
          It was at this point that I went back to the customer service girl who reminded me of my ex crazy friend with tears in my eyes, looking tired, old, worn out, and fed up.  She felt compassion. We got a room; turns out she wasn't at all crazy and quite adept at her job. 
          I would like to share at this point, honestly, that the rest of the vacation was full of sunflowers, green chili, perfect weather, and laughter, and that the suffering ended when we got off the plane in New Mexico...but I can't.  There was an argument between hubby and I third day in, which come to find out from other vacationing friends of our age seems to be normal, where I almost flew back home.  An argument between son, and both, hubby and I.  And the trip ended with another cancelled flight and another night spent in New Mexico.  But all of that was over shadowed by...
          Seeing our daughter in law graduate from the University of New Mexico.  Seeing missed loved friends.  Spending mothers day with husband strolling happily through every single tourist trap I could find in Madrid.  Wonderful dinners with our son and his wife.  Spending time with our son and admiring the man he has become.  Seeing how happy, and successful, not only our eldest and his wife were doing, but all of his friends whom we have watched grow up into outstanding adult's.  And that cancelled flight home?  We got a hotel room, with room service and first class flights on the way home. YES the vacation was AWESOME!
Looking back now and remembering the first trip hubby and I had alone brought to mind a quote.

"The ocean of suffering is immense, but if you turn around, you can see the land.  The seed of suffering in you may be strong, but don't wait until you have no more suffering before allowing yourself to be happy.  When one tree in the garden is sick you have to care for it.  But don't overlook all the healthy trees.  Even while you have pain in your heart you can enjoy the many wonders of life...the beautiful sunset, the smile of a child, the many flowers and trees.  To suffer is not enough.  Please don't be imprisoned by your suffering." -Thich Naht Hanh The Heart of the Buddha's Teaching

         The Pith of the Matter.  If I had been more compassionate to my self at some point I would have realized that I am not in control of anyone else's happiness but my own.  And no one is in charge of mine.  I was walking the right path by staying optimistic, focused, compassionate and mindful.  Then at some point I decided that my happiness was contingent upon my hubby's being happy.  Or my sons, or my daughter in laws. or a plane flight, the strangers surrounding me, the food court, a hotel room...  The bottom line is that it is not. 
          It is not selfish to be happy when others may not be.  We do not have to suffer with others in order to feel  compassion. 

When we come into contact with the other person, our thoughts and actions should express our mind of compassion, even if that person says and does things that are not easy to accept.
We practice in this way until we see clearly that our love is not contingent upon the other person being lovable.-
Thich Nhat Hanh


 This does not mean we should avoid suffering.  But in order to understand others we first have to understand ourselves, our own reasons for our own suffering. The Buddha taught the truth of, "dwelling happily in things as they are" drishta dharma sukha viharin 
 
"If we touch the truth of suffering with our mindfulness, we will be able to recognize and identify our specific suffering, its specific causes, and the way to remove those causes and end our suffering." - Thich Nhat Hanh

          My family for some time now has been encouraging and supporting me to put myself first.  This is sometimes difficult when they want to be adults with out your "interference" (basically what they call being a mom) and in the same sentence are asking for money or a car to borrow.   Or when they lecture you that if you want a phone call you should make yourself available at all times to receive that call.  But hardly ever answer their own phone when you call them.  It is easy to be swayed into believing, especially with your grown adult children, that as parents we have a constant obligation to them.  To make sure that they are happy, to still try and protect them.  The urge to protect and ensure happiness as a parent never ends I think.  BUT I had an epiphany. 
          The thing that we give our adult children that they still need to learn, is allowing them to learn from suffering.  To not avoid it.  To not protect them from it.  To show them that when we deal with our suffering, to what ever degree, whether it is a delayed flight, or a missed phone call, or an addiction to something as simple as sugar, or the airport alter ego of someone you love and thought you knew everything about, you learn, change, and grow stronger.  You deal with the suffering.
           I brought back one tangible, material souvenir from our trip, a coffee mug, hand made, acquired on the mothers day outing in Madrid with hubby.  Every time I drink from it I think of that wonderful day spent with the man I have willingly bound my life to for the last 33 years and his alter ego the airport husband, both of which I now treasure.  The best souvenir I have of that time however is not anything I can hold in my hands.  It is something, instead, that I hold in my mind and heart.  It is learning that while vacations are a break from our day to day maintenance of life my expectations for them to be void of suffering were unrealistic.  Life will always have moments of suffering, the trick is to still get on that plane and keep moving forward to your destination looking for and sharing the joy.  Because in the end it is the joy that should be remembered and how you discovered it.  Just make sure you got your coffee first. ;) Namaste  Peace out

Love is the capacity to take care, to protect, to nourish. If you are not capable of generating that kind of energy toward yourself- if you are not capable of taking care of yourself, of nourishing yourself, of protecting yourself- it is very difficult to take care of another person. In the Buddhist teaching, it's clear that to love oneself is the foundation of the love of other people. Love is a practice. Love is truly a practice. [Shambhala Sun March 2006 ]