The Parent Handbook: or The Book of Love

        


          A couple times a year I have a conversation with one of my sons that goes something like this.
Me, "You can't do that, its wrong, and you are hurting someone you love."
Son, "Why not, you and dad did it." 
Me, "Yes, you are right, but we learned from our mistakes, and changed." 
Son, "Well then let me learn too." 
Me, "Uh helloooo you are learning right now.  I'm trying to teach you something. I am your mom.  You get something from me that I never had, the benefit of my wisdom based on my experience.  I didn't have some one guiding me like this, so, as your mom, if I can save you some of the pain, and hardship, that I went through I will."
Son, "Mom I'm a man now, I can take care of myself." 
Me, "That's not what this is about, I know you can take care of yourself and I'm very proud of you but, you will always be my son and, granted, while there is much of life that I trust you can take care of on your own there will always be something that I can help you with; once you are a parent you will understand." 
Son,"...sigh."  (sometimes a roll of the eyes.)
Me, "Look make your own mistakes don't repeat mine and your dads that's all I'm saying.  And..."
Son, "yes" said with exasperation and impatience.
Me, "Its in the Parent Handbook."
Son, silence but I can hear the thought process taking place,"...ok."

Prologue:  (Found on the inside cover.)         

           Dear Parents to Be:  Lets face it. Most of us have kids because we love the person we are with and want to create more like him, or her.  We want a family.  We don't want to be alone.  We want to know that our life had, or has, meaning.  We want to know that some one was a witness to our lives and that our life is appreciated, even valued.  We want someone to acknowledge, and talk about, to others, what our life meant, and means.  We want someone to feel pride in our achievement's, and love us because of them.  With that said most of us, however, don't bargain for, someone telling us, almost our whole life, how to, well...deal with life.  OR having to tell some one else, almost our whole life, how to, well...deal with life.  Its usually considered interfering, or butting in, or...what ever.  When you choose to be a parent, (and all of us have parents,) "interfering", from time to time, is expected; it is the parent Handbook.

          The Parent Handbook is that invisible, but ever present, instruction manual that hubby and I verbally whip out from time to time.  Only we, and other parents, can see it; a child has never viewed, or read, this important text.  We have always told our sons that it was given to us at prenatal class when I was pregnant with our eldest son.  When our sons hear, "Its in the parent handbook." it means we don't have a choice about what ever we are about to do.  This phrase has covered things like the who, what, where, and when rule, brushing your teeth, changing your socks, giving me a hug, coming home on Sundays for family dinner, and anything else that we insist on them doing for their own good.  You know the, "its for your own good" thing that we say because what we want them to do is hard to explain to them, they have to experience it for awhile to understand why exactly its for their own good. ;) 
          The thing about the parenting manual is, it comes blank, like a journal. Chapters coincide with age.  Each parent writes in what they find works for them and their particular family/child(ren), but in mine and hubby's experience the parenting handbook has been invaluable.  FYI the parent handbook is a family tradition, my father had one also.  The following are journal entry's made mostly by me, but with hubby's ever present input.  I share now that our sons are adults because I want them to know that even though they are independent, successful adults the parent handbook still exists.

Chapter 1:

          Parenting is a life long adventure.  Something to not be taken lightly.  It never ends.  A parent is a life long teacher and role model.  It is the greatest career anyone could hope for.

From Chapter 13:

            Of all the stages/phases of parenting, adolescence, and adulthood, are the hardest to parent your child thorough.  The reason being, mainly, is your never quite sure how, or when to parent your blossoming adults, or adult children.  This will not deter me from my goal however.

From Adolescent Glossary: 

          First lets understand exactly what parenting is.  Parenting is defined as the rearing of children, the methods, techniques, etc., used, or required, in the rearing of children; the state of being a parent.  A parent is a father, or a mother, an ancestor, precursor, or progenitor, a care giver, a teacher, a role model.  A source, origin, or cause. A protector or guardian.  I'm going to add one more definition of note. 
          Rearing; to take care of, and support up to maturity.  To breed, and raise, to raise by building; erect. To raise to an upright position.  To lift or hold up; elevate; raise.
          Child is defined as a son or daughter, a person between birth and full growth, a boy or girl, a baby or infant, a childish person.
          Maturity is the state of being mature, ripeness, full development, perfected condition, the state of being due, the time when a note or bill of exchange becomes due.
          Most people will read these definition's and, perhaps, assume that once a child has been raised to maturity the parenting job is done at adolescence.  Adolescence however is defined as the transitional period between puberty and adulthood in human development, extending mainly over the teen years and terminating legally when the age of majority is reached; youth.  The process or state of growing to maturity.  A period or stage of development, as or a society, preceding maturity.

          Chapter 13:

          Western civilization/culture is guilty of thinking that we don't need to guide our children through the last 3/4 of their lives.  Thanks to laws that state a child at 13 is considered to be able to think, and act, on their own, to understand their consequences; at 15 they don't need to share personal information concerning their health etc., (so your daughter can be on birth control with out your knowledge, or your son can take a piss test, and flunk it).  At 18 years of age they can vote, join any military service, and get married with out your permission; there fore, basically making, and participating in, some pretty big adult/mature decisions.  At 21 society gives them permission to drink.  We assume that all the knowledge for dealing with these decisions comes naturally, because the law in its never ending, ever guiding, superior intelligence, says it must be so. I think we forget that these laws were put into place by certain people in positions of power, and control, to ensure that they cannot be held responsible for an adolescents choice.  These laws do not, however, omit the responsibility of the parent.  Parents feel, and receive the fall out, from the decisions of their adolescent child, and even adult children, for as long as they are alive.  Even when you, as a parent, consciously make the choice to set boundaries for your adult child to protect yourself, and them, you will still "feel" consequences. 
          The fact is that very few children are getting the tools to make informed decisions for any of these milestones.  In foster care in the United States the system begins preparing a child of 13 to age out of the system.  They learn to cook, clean, get a job, further their education, etc. with out the help of a family.  Many kids do not succeed; mainly because the support of the government does not give them the emotional support necessary for everyone to be successful.  The government tells Social Workers not to get emotionally involved with their clients, but I believe that in order to be a success in social work, to truly make a difference, you have to open yourself personally.  Let the person you are working with know that they do make a difference to you.  There is someone out there who cares what happens to them.  Cares how they feel.  Adolescents  who have family's already have an important tool to their success, you, the parent, the caregiver, the role model.  Still many of the children struggle with adulthood.  Why?  Why do we so easily give up on our adolescents and young adults?  Hubby and I have chosen to never give up.

          Chapter 15:

           Lets face it adolescents, and young adults, are great at making conflict.  This is not a bad thing really.  Sometimes through conflict comes our greatest learning experiences.  Relationships in general are steeped in conflict.  How many people can you think of in your life right now whom you have never experience any conflict with?  I can't think of any in mine.  But I personally value the relationships whom I have the most conflict with, the ones I have to work at the most.  In this circle I include a couple of friends, my husband, my sister, and my sons, all of whom are adults now.  It is difficult, however, to maintain relationships knowing that there will be conflict from time to time.  It is this knowledge that prepares you to parent your adult child.  Never stop teaching them how to sustain adult relationships.  This is a never ending learning experience for everyone no matter how old you are.

Chapter 26:

          We role model through out our lives how to maintain healthy relationships.  We do this through interacting with family, friends, and our significant others.  This can be done whether you are married or not.  It is completely appropriate to teach your child that you can co-parent maturely and not be married.  There are many successful family's out their where marriage does not play a part in parenting, or role modeling appropriate behavior when interacting with other people. 
          I watched a documentary the other day where a wedding photographer went back and revisited some of his favorite weddings.  He wanted to know why people choose to marry, and then stay married, or, get divorced.  A couple story's stood out to me.  One was a couple who had been married for 13 years, had three daughters ages varying from about 8 to 13.  They had never been married.
          At the beginning of their relationship they made a verbal commitment to each other in front of everyone they loved.  They didn't have a piece of paper, a contract, a marriage license, other than verbally.  A kiss sealed the deal.  Under great adversity they made this decision.  The couple shared that through their 13 years together they have heard from many people, family, friends, strangers, that they should get married, or were asked, "why didn't they get married."  They shared that they felt that their relationship was strong enough to not need a piece of paper to hold it together.  They felt that the marriage contract was demeaning to a female, and there for the relationship as a whole.  It was antiquated.
         Watching them interact with each other, and their daughters, it was hard to argue that reasoning, they all seemed very confident and happy.  They were the last story in this documentary; they were finally getting married, for legal reasons, AND because their daughters were starting to be ridiculed by friends for their parents not being married.  They were tossed about the marriage decision and justified it, mainly, for legal reasons.
           I'm personally not for getting married because society, the norm, says we should.  I am also not for needing a piece of paper to prove our commitment to each other.  I think those are both wrong reasons to get married and, or, stay married.  In role modeling to our children healthy relationships I think love should be the reason to stay together, not a piece of paper, or because its what everyone else is doing, or because we get tax breaks.  That most certainly will send the wrong message to your child(ren). 
          This is where it gets interesting for me.  The government in its never ending wisdom to run and organize our society basically tells us that if you get married we will give you a break financially.  If you have children we will give you more.  So marriage ends up having an element of business to it.  Which is also not such a bad thing.   In my experience of 30+ years with hubby I can honestly say there have been times where it benefited our family to look at,  and deal with, things from a purely business stand point.  Finances are an excellent example of this.  Moving to another state because of a job offer is another example.
           If you deal with money from a solely emotional point of view I guarantee you will save no money.  HOWEVER, if you think about the future, the goals you want to set for the future as a couple, and individual, you can still insert some personal, emotional, perspective into the business of finances into your family.   The bottom line is, as far as involving yourself into the governments point of view of getting married, running a family, and how it benefits society, is it is up to you.  How much does money mean to you?  How much do you need to be happy? What and how do you want to teach your children about this aspect of marriage and family?

 

Chapter 4:

          How does spirituality effect marriage and family?  Some religions promote marriage very sternly, giving little to no choice about their views and opinions on marriage.  In Buddhism their really isn't anything that specifically speaks of marriage, marriage is covered under treating everyone with kindness always.  But Buddhists do get married.  Many Christian religions promote marriage, encourage it, support it, have rules concerning it, and even make it hard for you to participate in their religion if you find that the marriage is causing more harm then good and you have opted to end the marriage.
          Hubby and I were married in a Catholic church; before getting married we were required to go to marriage classes which were given by very active Catholics who had been married for at least 10 years.  We also had to go talk to a priest about marriage for a bit.  Now I get the mind set behind all this.  The church really just wants to make sure that who ever engages in marriage understands that it is a life long commitment not to be taken lightly but reverently.  But I'm not quite sure they go about it the right way.  First of all no one can really give you all the tools you will need to deal with life; most of that comes from experience, and trial, and error.
          Second of all some religions don't take individual assessment into account.  Meaning they don't really consider all the differences in family's.  Many church's have expectations for people to live, or strive to live, the same exact way.  Family's, and marriages, who do not meet this norm are not included into the main fray of the church.  So what do the children who are watching learn?  That the God of the religion, and church, their family subscribes to demands more then is humanly possible?  Perhaps. 
          Adolescents and young adults are very focused on hypocrisy, the fairness of any given situation.  It doesn't help to tell them that life isn't fair.  This statement just deflates their confidence and makes many of them rebellious.  What is useful is teaching them that it is appropriate to question ideas, make mistakes, and set their own individual goals.  Spirituality is necessary; religion, even a church is not.  A mature adult can be very spiritual, and allow spirituality to guide them to make good moral decisions of value with out having religion and, or a church to back them up.  There are most certainly religions and church's of value out there, but they are not the only options to spirituality in  a persons life.

 

Chapter 17:

          Isn't the true meaning of life love?  This seems very idealistic though doesn't it?  As mature humans we understand that love fades...or does it?  I remember one of the best pieces of advice my mother ever gave me.  You can always love someone, but you won't always like them.
          I think not understanding the difference between like, and love, is what messes people up.   Love includes a profoundly tender, passionate, almost spiritual affection for another person; a feeling of warm personal attachment, or deep affection, sexual passion, or desire.  Yes I include passion, while passion should not be the sole reason for a relationship I firmly believes that it is a driving force in supporting a relationship.  Love includes deep core feelings.
          Like is of the same form, appearance, kind, character, amount, etc.  You agree in general.  Ever notice how when a couple has been together for a period of time they begin to resemble each other?  Opposites do attract, hubby and I do not agree on a lot, but we do agree on the important stuff, we have commonality's.  We have had instances where we don't like each other much for one reason or another, but the love, the passion felt for each other has never diminished.
         I think true love has some physical attraction to it.   The smell of the person appeals to us, their eyes see to our soul, when we touch them we feel whole, when they touch us we tingle.  Is this enough however to sustain a relationship?  We are dear friends with many whom we don't feel a physical attachment to.  Or do we?

Chapter 6:

          My sister, who I consider to be my best friend, is like me physically, emotional and, mentally more than anyone I know, even my husband.  She and I share many things that we don't share with others.  BUT I am still very close with my husband in a different way.  We share love, family, and aspects of life that only he, and I, have shared.  I have friends whom I only share certain aspects of life with.  All these people are valuable to me. There is an intellectual, and emotional, side to sustaining relationships also.  We have to think about who we are with, why they are important to us and, what we bring to each others lives.
         Even when we have to interact with people who don't play an important part in our lives we are still teaching our children something.  Yes, I may not be married to this person anymore, but they are still your parent and I wouldn't have you with out them;  that is an important fact, so for no other reason than that I will treat them with respect for your sake.  AND I will not allow them to disrespect you or me in the meantime. Being able to juggle this idea effectively role models important information to our children.

Chapter 26:

        The second person in the documentary was a divorced male.  His ex-wife didn't want to participate in the documentary.  The man went on and on about being in different places in their lives, how he felt she was not progressing, or changing; he was moving forward she was not.  Bleh...wiping off monitor.   The one surety in life is that things will change.  People will change.  If someone refuses to change all you have to do is wait long enough, the universe has a way of making us do what it needs us to do. 
          Everyone changes at their own pace however, and if you are unwilling to be patient with this, and supportive, then you are setting yourself, and the other person, up for failure.  I personally feel that there are very few deal breakers in marriage.  Abuse, serial infidelity, severe neglect are most certainly deal breakers.  Most everything else is, and can be, negotiated.  Which brings us back to the business of relationships.

Chapter 17:

          My husband and I do not, by far, have a very business like marriage.  We are in fact quite passionate about each other.  When we argue we do it whole heartedly.  We are both independent, will full, strong minded people with very different view points on quite a few subjects.  We feel deeply about our individual morals and values, but it is these traits that sustain our love and respect for each other.  Because of that love and respect we have learned that sometimes, for the health and well being of our relationship, and individuals selves, it pays to discuss things from a business stand point.  I truly believe that it is for this reason that we have been together for so long, and continue to make a life long commitment to each other.  We choose not to behave selfishly in matters that concern the whole.

Chapter 3:

          Children sometimes learn not only what they are suppose to do from us but what they are not suppose to do.  This is why they get two parents and a host of other role models.  It is our job as parents to help them maneuver what they should learn and how to go about applying it to their life.  You do this NOT by giving them all the answers, but, by gently helping them maneuver to the answers that are right for them. Then you stand back and let them try it out.  Yes they will make mistakes, even fail sometimes, but it is how they learn.  The older they get the more it is your job to stand back and observe, and wait.  This is hard.  Knowing when to intervene to step in.  Adult children are more often then not very receptive to what they perceive as interference.  Realistically sometimes it is interference.  How do you know then?  When you should step in, or when it is interfering?

Chapter 1:

           When we become parents we make the silent commitment, to always be there no matter what.  Every decision we make concerning our children should be made with thoughtful planning.  This does not mean planning out their life however.  We don't get to decide their career, the education they receive as adults, the person they want to spend their life with, how they choose to raise and care fore their family, or even if they choose to have a family.  We interfere when we know they are repeating our mistakes or engaging in harmful behavior.

Chapter 19:

          Choosing to distance yourself, or detach from, your child because he/she is engaging in addictive behavior is sometimes a healthy, logical, and necessary choice to bring about and support healthy choices for them.  By not putting up with their bad behavior, or destructive choices, you are saying that you will not support, or engage in, something that is doing them, and others harm.  You don't give them money, you don't let them share your space, you don't let them bring home acquaintances/friends of theirs that are sharing the bad behavior/choices.  This is very hard to do.  Every ounce of your being wants to protect them, to get them out of the bad place they are in, BUT as an adult it is your job to now role model that it is appropriate to not surround yourself with people who are harmful and, or, destructive to themselves, or others.  You do this with love and compassion; do not let your hurt, and anger, your doubt cloud the true intent of this hard decision.   This is teaching your child how to interfere with love and intent.

Chapter 28:

         We have decided to intervene and step in to our adult sons lives when we see them repeating our mistakes, ones that we have learned from.  I believe that when we want better for our children this does not mean more cars, bigger houses, more money, more stuff.  It means more confidence, not having to repeat the mistakes your parents made.  The boys can make their own mistakes, not repeat mine or husbands.  I wonder though why, more often then not, as parents do so many adults sit back and watch their kids make the same damn mistakes and choose to do nothing thinking that its not our place; we learned, so will they.  What if we can give them the benefit of our experience so their life is a little better?  This is what life is about, helping others.

Chapter 21:

          This is Karma.  Mine.  If I choose to do nothing I am not being true to myself.  I believe we are all here not to acquire stuff, but to help each other.  I love my sons I will help them when ever I can.  This is how I will truly know if my life was of value.  Did they learn from mine and hubby's mistakes?  What did they learn from us?

Chapter 27:

          I call my married son sometimes and tell him the bad behavior he is using is learned from his dad, or I, and that he is not us and should figure out something different.  Then I ask do you want help figuring it out?  He usually says no and understands.  I notice that his brother doesn't seem to need us in this area as much; perhaps his brother is a role model for him?  I remember when my father use to tell me that my brothers and sisters were watching me and that I needed to be a good role model for them.  In my head I thought, "But who is the role model for me?"  I wonder if our son feels that way about his younger brother and us?  Then I realize that hubby, and I, don't leave the parenting of our younger son up to his big brother.  We are involved and treat them as individuals.  We have always told them that we love them each as much, but differently because they are different people.  I truly don't have a favorite.  Their accomplishments are different, but I have the same level of pride, and love, in everyone of their individual accomplishments.

Chapter 2:

          Husband and I expect, and encourage individuality, in our sons.  Are we aware that certain family traits will be carried from generation to generation?  Of course.  But we want to leave a legacy of goodness behind us.

Chapter 15:

          As a social worker I am very aware of how patterns of abuse are passed through family's.  Patterns of victimization, poverty, lack of education etc.  Because many family's choose to let it continue to perpetuate.  They either choose not to learn to do something differently, or they choose not to help those who come after them do something differently.  Its what they are use to, its their comfort zone, no matter how dysfunctional and harmful it may be.  It takes an exceptionally strong, independent person to change their Karma, and may be even someone else's.  To not reincarnate what has gone before.

Conclusion:

          I remember a wise person telling me when our first son was born that you never stop being a parent.  In my lack of experience, and being only 24, fresh out of adolescence, I rolled my eyes, thinking, foolishly, that of course you do.  I don't need my parents anymore. Well... my mother had passed away 4 years prior, and by the time I was 30 my father would be gone also.  They missed many milestones in my life.  At age 24 I didn't know, or perhaps ignored, how not having parents would play out in my life.  It wouldn't be until I was 30 and at the birth of my second son that I would realize what a gift having parents is.  My mother never saw me married, or met any of my sons.  My youngest didn't know his grandparents at all on my side of the family.  Something he says he didn't miss, how can you miss something you never had? 
          Often, even though my parents were neglectful, and I had an abusive mother, I wondered, and still wonder, if that would have changed, as it often does, and would they have been great grandparents?   Providing me with the support, and guidance, I often missed, and needed, in adult life.  I hope our sons never have to feel this loss, this confusion, this hardship, and it has been hard sometimes. 
          It is hard knowing what to do with out anyone there to help you sort out the answers.  This is something I can spare our sons, and hubby and I have decided to do so for as long as the universe allows us to do so.  Hubby had very hands off parents.  His father was a severe alcoholic who was never present even when they were in the same room. His mother was not really adept at parenting on her own and made the decision to immerse herself in religion to serve, and ease, her own feelings of neglect; ignoring those of her son.  So hubby and I learned together. 
          Through this journey we were able to, thankfully, distinguish when to interfere in our sons lives, and when to let them figure it out on their own.  Hubby and I are better people for not having family to help us sometimes, but sometimes I think, and feel, how wonderful it would have been to have my mom put my wedding veil on, or my dad share the pride of our youngest who is so goal orientated and driven in his career, something that he most certainly got from my father.  Or to have them both present to see my eldest marry a most wonderful girl who has brought him nothing but joy and love.  YES People say they are watching, and I'm sure they are, but unless you haven't had a parent for over 20 years of your life it is something that you truly don't feel. 
          All of the experiences that hubby and I have had are in the Parent Handbook.  I've shared only a small sampling. We have added to our parents handbook, condensing, editing, and we leave it to our sons.  So here is the Pith of the Matter.  While I know you, our sons, our passion, our love, our life work, don't like to get the phone call, or discussion(s), that perhaps make you feel that we are interfering in your life remember this...its in the Parent Handbook.
Namaste
Peace out

“Your children are not your children.
They are sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you.
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the make upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness.
For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He also loves the bow that is stable.”
― Khalil Gibran

tags: parenting