The Monkey Mind

       

           Lately I have been getting asked a lot about how to meditate.  I find myself fumbling through this advice.  Seriously... its almost embarrassing.  I meditated on why this is.  For me meditation is connected to my spirituality and honestly while I have talked, and written, on why I believe it is important for everyone to have some kind of faith, I don't like to tell people that they should follow my faith.  I truly try to present my belief's more from a generic open ended idea(s).  But because meditation, for me, is so connected to my spiritual well being its hard for me to speak from a place of why, even with out spirituality, meditation is such a benefit for everyone.  Then I find my self being a hypocrite. 

People usually consider walking on water or in thin air a miracle. But I think the real miracle is not to walk either on water or in thin air, but to walk on earth. Every day we are engaged in a miracle which we don’t even recognize: a blue sky, white clouds, green leaves, the black, curious eyes of a child—our own two eyes. All is a miracle. – Thich Nhat Hanh
           
          If I believe that it is part of all of our responsibility to speak honestly, to almost everyone we meet, and help relieve suffering in the world; and if people are asking me how to meditate, because they feel I have information/tools that will help relieve their suffering, then I should just get over it and find a way to teach it.  So here it goes.  I will attach many web sites as reference because I do not consider my self even remotely close to being an expert in this area.  I know only what works for me.
          First a brief explanation of my journey into meditation.  I believe everyone begins the meditative choice for a reason.  Whether they want to calm their brain, alleviate depression, anxiety (or both), gain insight into their lives, or life in general, to learn to take better care of them selves, discern the difference between selfishness and selflessness, or to alleviate suffering, all these are great reasons to start, and I can share from experience that you will eventually do all of these ( and some reasons not mentioned) as you progress through your journey of meditation.

“If the problem can be solved why worry? If the problem cannot be solved worrying will do you no good.”
― Śāntideva

          I actually began deep breathing when I was a young mom dealing with a son who had some behavior/socialization challenges.  In order to save my sanity, and be a calmer, more focused mother I began taking 15-20 minute breaks, during a nap time etc. where I would sit in silence and breath deeply.  The book that I settled on, that first taught me to deep breath was called "The Calm Technique" by Paul Wilson, but I had actually read many, many books on deep breathing and meditation.
http://www.amazon.com/The-Calm-Technique-Meditation-Mysticism/dp/0760715246
          I found his explanation of deep breathing very straight forward and exactly what I needed at that time.  After I had been deep breathing for a couple of months, and feeling the benefits, I started teaching my youngest how to deep breath.  It was actually done in desperation one day while dealing with one of his fits that required him to be restrained.  I was exhausted, and while holding him close to me, almost in tears my self, feeling a failure as a mom, wondering why my son was not only being challenged with this behavior, but wondering, and silently cursing the universe,  why he, and our family, was having to deal with this.  I started breathing deeply.  Very consciously, openly, breathing so he, and my eldest who had been watching the whole thing play out, could see me doing something, to calm down.  I noticed that my youngest started breathing with me and calming down.  The whole environment started to feel calmer and everyone in it, my eldest included, did too.  So I kept on using it all the time in fact.  My youngest son to this day, and he doesn't even know he's doing it, will take deep cleansing breaths, when he is feeling upset.  This is also when I started using it in my career with children, other adults, and family's.  I learned that I was teaching a valuable tool to others to help them feel in control of their lives and feelings.  This was the seed to my spiritual path and meditation.

Come back to square one, just the minimum bare bones. Relaxing with the present moment, relaxing with hopelessness, relaxing with death, not resisting the fact that things end, that things pass, that things have no lasting substance, that everything is changing all the time—that is the basic message. – Pema Chodron
            When I was in my 40's, which by the way is the age where many women will start redefining themselves, and their spirituality, I started investigating different spiritual paths.  Because I already had been deep breathing, and saw, and felt the benefits of it, I started reading into spiritual paths that promoted/supported meditation; I landed on Buddhism.  As I read more about Buddhism, and the different Buddhist paths, I found and then decided to follow Tibetan Buddhism;  it focus's on the idea of Bodhisattva's.  Persons committed to alleviating suffering to the point of choosing to be reincarnated again and again so that they may continue their teachings to alleviate suffering.  They are the equivalent of saints so to speak.  This idea spoke to me as a social worker.  ;) http://buddhism.about.com/od/thetriyaka/a/whatsabodhisatt.htm

The basic root of happiness lies in our minds; outer circumstances are nothing more than adverse or favourable. – Matthieu Ricard
            In Buddhism one of the primary reasons to meditate is to alleviate suffering whether it is our own or some one else's.  Although primarily you are suppose to meditate on the suffering of others; selfishness vs. selflessness.   I think this is probably why people ask me how to meditate.  I know that I personally feel much more at peace, for the most part.  Here is a link that explains meditation and the idea of suffering in Buddhism.  Once again it is not given to promote anyone changing their faith.  Only to give some insight into why to meditate.  http://www.buddhanet.net/depth.htm Why Buddha taught meditation to deal with the suffering in the world and how suffering is defined.   I think when people understand these concepts better the mysticism surrounding Buddhism and meditation diminishes and whether or not you subscribe to Buddhism it becomes easier to understand the benefits of meditation no matter what your spiritual path is.   With all of that out of the way here is what I suggest for people starting off in meditation.
First of all know your mind.  What do you want to achieve from meditating?  Is it spiritual?  http://viploveukey.blogspot.com/2009/04/why-do-buddhists-meditate.html  Many other religions promote meditation.  Saying the rosary is actually a form of meditation.  Rosary beads were actually taken from the Buddhist Mala prayer beads. The Mala originates form Hinduism which is one of the oldest religions in existence.  All are basically the same concept.  They all support spiritual meditation and chanting/praying to gain compassion.
http://the12stepbuddhist.com/what-is-a-mala-how-to-use-tibetan-prayer-beads/
http://anthromuseum.missouri.edu/minigalleries/prayerbeads/intro.shtml

By breaking down our sense of self-importance, all we lose is a parasite that has long infected our minds. What we gain in return is freedom, openness of mind, spontaneity, simplicity, altruism: all qualities inherent in happiness. – Matthieu Ricard
          If your goal in meditation is to gain more focus what do you want the focus to be?  And why?  Is that focus needed so that you can feel more organized and calmer?  If this is the case your goal should be to give your brain a rest.  Do you find yourself thinking on a problem a lot lately and unable to focus on an answer?  Then you meditate on a question.
          Breathing meditation, where you focus, and concentrate on your breathing, is used to reduce blood pressure, alleviate anxiety, depression and anger.  It clears your mind and calms you.  It has been scientifically proven;  making it a proven fact that meditation works.
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/feeling-it/201309/20-scientific-reasons-start-meditating-today
Here is a link on how to use breathing meditation.
http://www.meditationoasis.com/how-to-meditate/simple-meditations/breathing-meditations/
          Things to try and remember for successful calming/ breathing meditation.  Your brain is suppose to be all over the place.  This is called the "monkey mind."  http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/meditation-modern-life/201110/quieting-the-monkey-mind-meditation  It takes practice to teach your brain to relax; especially after it has been trained to think and work all the time.  So be patient and give yourself a break.  Getting stressed out because its not working immediately is not going to help.  Giving up because your not getting instant results will not help.

 We can gradually drop our ideals of who we think we ought to be, or who we think we want to be, or who we think other people think we want to be or ought to be. – Pema Chodron
          Try taking time every day for 15-20 at least to deep breath.  Get your brain and body use to the idea.  Make it in a quite area that you will not be disturbed.  I tell my hubby and family when I am going to meditate and they wont bother me unless its an emergency.  My hubby keeps the dogs away etc. When your loved ones understand that you are taking up meditation for health, and well being, purposes they are usually pretty supportive.  ;)  If you are having problems quieting your brain start  off using meditation music or guided meditation CDs.  I still will use these off and on.  They have rhythmic patterns which regulate your breathing patterns. This helps you focus on something other then your thoughts.  You can find that the music etc. made specifically for meditation lasts anywhere form 20mins. to 1 hour long.  I would start with 20 minutes.  Once you start feeling like your brain has been trained to quiet itself for 20 minutes you can start trying for longer periods of time.  I have personally found that an hour is plenty for me; but there are people out there who talk, and write, on hours of meditation in one sitting.  Buddha meditated for days.  Some people meditate the same time every day, some very the time only making sure its done daily, some every other day, some as needed. Find what works for you.  The goal is to teach your brain to relax.  It is a muscle it need rest sometimes also, more than just the 6-8 hours of sleep required.  Our brain sometimes does not stop working in our sleep.  It dreams etc.  Meditation is making a conscious effort to relax your brain.  Deep breathing also is the conscious effort to calm your heart rate which lowers blood pressure and relieves anxiety.  There is ALOT of information out there on deep breathing and meditation that is not spiritual.  Go find what work's for you.
http://www.the-guided-meditation-site.com/how-long-to-meditate.html

Western laziness consists of cramming our lives with compulsive activity, so that there is no time at all to confront the real issues. – Sogyal Rinpoche
           When you have been meditating for some time and your brain is use to, and thankful for, the peace you have given it you can start using meditation in other ways.  One way is to specifically ask a question.  Why am I feeling so angry about this situation?  Why am I feeling depressed?  Why is this making me so anxious?  Why is there suffering in the world?  What can I do about it?  What can I do to help a loved one?  Etc. etc.  This process will try your patience and, in my opinion, is best used/practiced when you have already gotten a grip on deep breathing.  You begin your meditation as usual.  In a quiet place, with or with out music, with or with out aroma therapy, with or with out a focal point, like a candle.  You get comfortable and begin asking the question.  Your brain is going to be all over the place.  It will show you who to blame, persons, places things etc.  Its the monkey mind once again swinging from limb to limb.  Keep on asking the question every time your monkey does this, bring it back to the issue at hand, back to the trunk, or the roots, while all the time keeping your breathing rhythmic, and focusing on one visual point, or with your eyes closed.  Your body should be still.  I sit in the half lotus/butterfly position.  Back straight on a marshmallow cushion.  Hands placed in the #2 or #4 position depending on what I am meditating on.  http://fengshui.about.com/od/use-of-feng-shui-cures/ss/Buddha-Hand-Gestures-Placement-Buddha-Home_2.htm  I vary, eyes open focused on a candle, or eyes closed, depending on my mood.  Sometimes I like peace and quiet, sometimes music, sometimes a rhythmic sound, or white noise like a fan.  Eventually your brain is going to stop swinging from limb to limb, and start paying attention to your breathing.  When your head has been clear for a little while, and you are focused on your breathing for a bit, suddenly it will come to you!  The answer on how to deal with the question.  It will always be a peaceful, compassionate, calm resolution that will make you feel happy and empowered.  If this is not the case then try again at a different time.  I also keep a meditation diary for when I pose questions.  I start off writing, "This is what I asked" then end with, "This is what I heard."  Helps me remember for future problems and keeps me focused.  These are some different methods of meditation that specifically focus on different reasons for meditating.
http://www.buddhanet.net/metta_in.htm
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-courage-be-present/201001/how-practice-mindfulness-meditation
http://life.gaiam.com/article/meditation-101-techniques-benefits-beginner-s-how
          One last thing to share about the spirituality of meditation.  It has been documented scientifically, and in Buddhist writings, that when some one is effectively meditating in a spiritual form that your mind will empty, your breathing will slow, and your body will become very relaxed.  Almost like a waking sleep.  During these times persons share that they wee a tunnel with a white light at the end of it, it is peaceful.  Most people will say that this happens may be once in a life time of meditation.  Persons like the Dali Lama have trained themselves to attain this peace more than once.  In my 10+ years of meditating I have reached it once two years ago, but have tried to get there again.  It is the supposed clue to the true path of meditation.  http://www.wildmind.org/mindfulness/three/progress

          The Pith of the Matter: http://books.google.com/books?id=wl1RXz-FuzUC&pg=PA65&dq=majjhima+nikaya+the+pith+of+the+matter&hl=en&sa=X&ei=BLwsU4gBxZfZBcmegYAL&ved=0CCwQ6AEwAA#v=onepage&q=majjhima%20nikaya%20the%20pith%20of%20the%20matter&f=false  I am not going to gloss this for you.  Learning to meditate is not easy.  It takes an conscious commitment and dedication.  It also takes educating yourself on the different methods, on how to, and practice.  It will take longer to learn then riding a bike.  But like riding a bike once you learn it you will never forget how, and will, more importantly, never forget how it made you feel.  Encouraging you to never stop using it.  I can tell you honestly that there have been periods in time where I have not been as dedicated to meditating as I should be.  These are usually times of high stress; which ironically are the times that meditation should be used.  BUT I have never ever completely given it up.  AND it is remembering the benefits that meditation gives me that always encourage me to start meditating again.  It gives me strength, focus, hope, and compassion when I can not find it any where else.  It is spiritual for me.  It also keeps me mentally and emotionally healthy.  I no longer have anxiety thanks to meditation/deep breathing.  My anger has dramatically lessoned, and I find myself able to deal with the depressing aspects of life in a more effective healthy time line.  My blood pressure goes down, I can communicate better, and see life, and the people in it, with much greater patience and compassion.  It has encouraged me to be a healthier person; physically and mentally.  I have eaten better since starting to meditate and pay attention to a more active lifestyle.  Truly all of this because of my commitment to meditation.  I give myself a break for failures, and have a greater concept of my place in the universe.  It has taught me to be selfless, and selfish in such a way that I can be selfless. http://www.vipassanadhura.com/Selflessness.html   
 I cannot express enough the benefits of meditating.  Meditation is truly the path to wisdom.  Namaste, Peace out.

““We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts, we make our world.””

Read more about Buddhist Quotes and Sayings on:
http://buddhist-meditation-techniques.com/buddhist-quotes/?utm_source=INK&utm_medium=copy&utm_campaign=share&


 

Drive

Some songs give inspiration and feelings beyond description.  Enjoy.  That is all.  :)
http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/incubus/drive.html

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fgT9zGkiLig


 

What No One Tells You About Parenting

“Parents can only give good advice or put them on the right paths, but the final forming of a person's character lies in their own hands.”
― Anne Frank

tags: growing-up, innocence, inspirational, parenting, personal-responsibility, right-of-passage, self-determination, self-responsibility

 

 

“Your children are not your children.
They are sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you.
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For thir souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the make upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness.
For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He also loves the bow that is stable.”
― Kahlil Gibran

tags: parenting

 

 

            I have been a mom for 28 years now. Longer than some, shorter than others.  Even though I have no kids at home any longer I will always be a mom.  That is one of the things that no one ever explains to you really.  Its one of those things that when some one try's they either do an inadequate job at explaining it, or you just don't listen. 
          I remember my dad saying to me, when my hubby and I shared that we were going to have a baby, that parenting is a life long job and that he hoped we knew what we were getting into.  Uh thanks for that advice but a little late isn't it?  I mean I'm already pregnant...I don't believe in abortion...so wtf dad?  It was said in a context of, if he had to do it over again he would do it differently.  My step mother came straight out and said if she had it to do over again she would never have kids...in front of my step brother and sister... btw...dumb ass.  
          Hearing these things did make me think about parenting however, and how I wanted my kids to feel loved, valued, and wanted, by their dad and I.  I have never said anything remotely close to what my parents did, and I use the term parents loosely.  Anyways...this got me to thinking about all the things that we are not really prepared for before becoming a parent.  So I have decided to share some things based on my experience, those of friends, and relatives, with children, in hopes of preparing who ever wants kids with the reality of raising kids.

•  Baby's are always cute, they grow into cute kids, into teenagers with not so cute personality's, and then adults.  BUT they are always your responsibility from one degree to another.  Make how much time, and support you devote to them age appropriate.  Baby's need you 24/7, kids will progress through different stages of neediness, so will teenagers.  Your adult children still need you too.  This is something that I wasn't told and had to find out for my self as a parent. They need praise, emotional support, and for the first few years of independence, more often than not, financial support.  It lessons as they age and gain more independence.  Feeling a responsibility towards them never ever completely goes away.  So make sure you are ready for that life time emotional commitment even if you choose not to stay in the marital one.   America is one of the few country's where we feel that at 18 a child is not a child anymore and should be able to survive on what they have learned.  Many kids now a days either leave home early, or are kicked out completely unprepared for many aspects of living independently.   Adolescence is a transitional phase specifically designed to identify, and teach, skills needed for independence.  With all due respect, in my opinion, based on experience, and observations, if a teen/young adult is not succeeding independently, most of the time its because they were not taught the skills and given tools to be so.  YES some adolescents are very eager to get the hell out of the house they have been imprisoned in for the last 18 years.  ;D  That's fine let them go and find out what its like, but in my opinion too many parents don't let the kids come home if they fail.  Our eldest came home four times for crying out loud.  Finally we said enough is enough; next time you move out is the last time.  Which of course is not completely true, he and his wife stayed with us for eight months while they saved up money to move to New Mexico so she could attend UNM.  They paid us rent, bought their own food, and contributed to the household maintenance.  The point here is, and this is what no one tells you ahead of time, make sure, that as a parent, you have taught them every aspect of successful independence before you turn them loose.  If you know they are your life long responsibility then you want to feel that you did the best you could and were always there for them.   Don't leave something undone. 
•  Almost everything that comes out of your baby for the first few years of his/her life is going to smell funny.  It will be gross and possibly make you gag.  I never gagged until I had kids...seriously.  Learn to keep towels, cleaning stuff etc. pretty handy.  Be prepared for your laundry loads to at least double, more like quadruple really. AND make sure you always have a spare change of clothes handy until they are in their teens.  When they hit puberty their smells change; you are never quite prepared for this.  We all know B.O. smells, but puberty odors are...different.  Blushing is actually the first sign that your kids hormones are kicking in; at this time your should start teaching hygiene and why this is important because of the changes their body's are about to go through.  MOST kids are going to be slightly rebellious about hygiene, growing up is scary business.  Changing body's are scary. Be patient, calmly stay on them about brushing teeth, using deodorant etc.  I have pros and cons about using the, "your friends will make fun of you" line.  On the one hand you kind of want to prepare them, but on the other hand most of the time they need to learn on their own.  So its up to you.  Other things you can teach them is to do: their own laundry, and eat better.  Certain diets contribute to bad acne.  Give them the information they need to be successful in taking care of themselves, but don't be surprised if they don't take it right away.  Don't stop teaching them they will eventually get it and use it.
•  Your kids will never keep anything clean like you want them to.  Doesn't mean you should stop trying to teach them how to clean.  Just don't expect them to do it like you would.  If you want it done a certain way, or to look a certain way then I suggest you do it.  Let them watch and or assist.  But save yourself the grief, and arguments, of sending them back again, and again, until they get it right.  They are not you.   When my last son moved out my eldest made the mistake of saying, humorously, that now his dad and I would have to do all the house work on our own.  I replied that it was actually easier to do it with out all of the kids home.  No reminding, no fits, no complaining, no arguments, it just got done and exactly the way I wanted it done.  It was an unexpected treat that hubby and I had forgotten for 28 years.  wow....
• They will save and hide food at all ages.  Don't know why really never figured this one out.  In abusive households sometimes it is a red flag.  Depression era persons still stock pile food decades later. I found fish sticks on a heating grate once when my eldest was three...son told me he was keeping them warm for later.  I told him I would make fresh ones...didn't matter, he thought he was being clever.  It kind of was too if you think about it.  He identified that heat came out of the grate and it was heat that cooked food, and kept it edible.  Clever. There are all kinds of tricks to keep your kid in control of his own eating habits.  Their own shelf in the fridge stocked with foods that they help pick out at the grocery store.  Their own kitchen cupboard, letting them have input in the meals you prepare, having them learn and contribute to meal preparation, sending them shopping on their own when they are older with a list so they understand how much things cost, etc., etc. but they will always take something and hide/store it in their own space.  When they are teens they will buy their own stuff and store it in their room.  It will rarely be kept sealed free of germs, it will never be completely eaten, and will not get cleaned up until it starts to smell.  This use to bother me, now my kids are rarely sick and have a great immune system...silver lining.  They also do not keep their own spaces like they did when they lived here?  I rarely went into their rooms to clean; if I did it was more of a disinfecting then cleaning and they always helped.  Once again, don't stop teaching how to clean with patience, and a sense of humor.  They'll get it and use it trust me.  Don't stop teaching good eating habits.  Warn them of food poisoning.  The first time they get it they'll remember your advice.  https://www.google.com/search?site=&source=hp&q=how+to+teach+a+child+to+eat+healthy&oq=how+to+teach+kids+to+eat+healthy&gs_l=hp.1.0.0i22i30l2.1485.9080.0.16765.32.25.0.7.7.0.133.2482.9j16.25.0....0...1c.1.37.hp..2.30.2299.y7-KAZiawWo
•  Kids do not know how to care if you don't teach them and show them how.  Empathy doesn't kick in truly until age four and they don't get a great grasp of it until 8.  Then it has to constantly be fine tuned and maintained.  You need to explain why some one feels bad, that its ok to have feelings, how many different feelings their are, not just happy sad and angry.   You have to teach them why its impolite to take something that doesn't belong to them. And if they break something why they should fix or replace it.  You need to teach the value of hygiene.  AND you cant just say because I said so.  Not everything is about money, much more of life is about socializing.  Having empathy, and compassion is a tool for success.  We have all had days where a boss has been an ass, but it sure helps to understand that he is going through a divorce, or she has a sick child, or a relative is dying.  The bottom line is there is value in teaching treat others as you want to be treated, even if the other person never treats you how you want to be treated.  In the end we have to live with ourselves first.  http://psychcentral.com/lib/how-children-develop-empathy/0001234
• You are allowed to make mistakes, even big ones, just own up to it respectfully and say I'm sorry.  Your mistakes are learning opportunities for you and your kid.  In fact I encourage mistakes.  To this day we still let our kids just make their own mistakes.  Internally, and to each other we are saying that what he wants to do won't work, but in reality we don't know that for sure.  Just because it didn't work for us doesn't mean it doesn't work for anyone else, our sons included.  So what the heck, let them prove us wrong.  :D  Its awesome when they do.  Even more awesome when they prove someone else wrong using everything you taught them.  We also allow our kids to troll us when we screw up.  Need to role model forgiving ourselves.  http://www.huffingtonpost.com/peggy-drexler/why-its-important-to-let_b_1848687.html
•  Even when you speak respectfully to your kid, especially in their teens, they may not give you the same respect back.  You still have to be polite and respectful and role model the behavior you want them to use.  Yeah its hard, many times I have visualized physically harming one of my kids while they called me a bitch, or said fuck you.  But I took calm down times, most of the time, and if I reacted poorly I apologized for my behavior later.  Which taught them that none of us are perfect, but if you know you screwed up just say so...no biggy.  http://discipline.about.com/od/disciplinebasics/a/Role-Model-Behavior-That-You-Want-To-See-From-Your-Kids.htm
•  Discipline and punishment are two different things.  Discipline teaches and is healthy.   Punishment is punitive and demeaning.  Learn the difference and know both of them will effect your parenting and how your child perceives you as not only a parent but a person.  It also effects how you respect each other and how you respect yourself as a parent.  Some of the biggest regrets parents have is remembering a time that they punished a child too harshly.  You can never take that back.  Spanking, smacking hands, faces, etc., grounding, excessive time outs with no follow through, are just some red flags to a parent who is feeling frustrated and at a loss of how to discipline.  If you feel you are doing any of these I suggest going to check out a book from the library on disciplining.  There are a ton out there so don't stop at one.  Mix and match techniques to fit your parenting and family.  If you are hitting out of anger, leaving bruises, screaming all the time GET HELP immediately.  Don't be afraid to seek out a professional who can help you.  Better you take that step first then let a social welfare agency have to step in and intervene.  http://discipline.about.com/od/typesofdiscipline/a/The-Difference-Between-Punishment-And-Discipline.htm
•  Be creative in your disciplining, keep your sense of humor, take time outs, and use your whisper voice.  You can never spoil a child of any age by giving them love and attention.  Pick up your baby if you want to, let your kid crawl into bed with you if he's scared, give them a hug if they had a bad day in school.  LOVE is good!!  Makes them secure and happy!  You spoil children by replacing love with STUFF!  LOVE DOES NOT SPOIL!  You will know if your child is trying to manipulate you.  Even then being able to manipulate is age appropriate for some ages and shows intelligence.  So if you find they are doing this respectfully banter with them a bit.  Teach them to problem solve, and communicate.  ALSO in the case of manipulating natural consequences usually work here.  Most people are not able to manipulate to such a dysfunctional level where they can get away with almost everything that they try to do. Trust your kid, trust society, and most of all trust yourself.  http://www.dshs.wa.gov/ca/fosterparents/training/natlog/nat02.htm   http://www.webmd.com/parenting/guide/spoiled-child     http://www.positivediscipline.com/files/Is_it_Possible_to_Love_Too_Much.pdf 
•  Any idea you had about sleep will change after you have kids.  Everyone thinks this changes as the kids grow, but not really.  My eldest sleep walked.  My youngest got up in the middle of the nights and raided the fridge as soon as he was able to open it on his own.  Which led to a conversation on how bacon needed to be cooked first, showing him which foods he could eat and having hubby start sleeping on the couch off and on.  Then they learn to drive etc. and you stay awake until they get home.  They move out and you still have nights where you wonder how they are doing.  NOW I'm not staying up at night with anxiety wondering how my kids are surviving with out me.  But there are times where I know they are experiencing challenges that keep them awake also...during those times I have empathy for them.  When you bring your baby home that baby is in charge of the sleep schedule.  Figure out what it is and adjust.  Its not until about 6 months that you can start instilling a schedule that works for everyone.  Even then there will be many nights that that schedule goes out the window.  Learn to go with the flow.  Know when to keep to the schedule and when to loosen it a little.  Kids do need routine, makes them feel safe, but too much routine is not good too.  Life is messy and if you teach them that life is always to bed at 8pm, up at 6am, meals same time every day, etc., they will have a hard time rolling with the punches.  Find a happy medium.  Also you kids need to understand that learning to work with others is important, everyone does some giving and taking.  This is one of the primary reasons for being in a family.  Finding people who think like you, for the most part, and feel like you, mostly, and working together to achieve what ever you want in life.  http://www.ahaparenting.com/parenting-tools/family-life/structure-routines
•  Your kids will break your shit.   They will break your expensive stuff.  DVR's, CD's, the machines that run them, stove tops, furniture, bones, and as they get older cars.  They will cost you more money then anyone can completely prepare you for.  Some cost more money than others and I have been told by friends with daughters that girls cost more than boys.  They just want and need more stuff.  Just do the best you can.  Hubby and I have never been wealthy but we managed to give our sons what they really needed in life to be happy most of the time.  If we couldn't provide it, or they couldn't get it on their own then we taught that evidently the universe has different plans and they are not suppose to have it right now.  Lets think on it and revisit it later.  http://www.empoweringparents.com/How-to-Create-a-Culture-of-Accountability-in-Your-Home.php
•  They will not always be happy and there is not a whole lot you can do about that.  EXCEPT teach them that its ok to be unhappy sometimes.  Teach them to take responsibility for how they feel and how to express their feelings appropriately.  This must be role modeled by you to work. Rarely is it completely someone else's fault that we are unhappy.  When you expect someone to be happy all the time you are putting unrealistic expectations down for them and not teaching them how life really is.  Sometimes life sucks!  ITS OK!  Deal with it, move on, feel what you need to feel but don't let those feelings handicap you!  Bad times, and bad feelings are transitional and eventually fade/disappear.  If they don't seek help.  http://www.albertahealthservices.ca/AddictionsSubstanceAbuse/if-par-parent-info-series-1-1.pdf
• Don't put your kids in the role of care taker for you.  It is one thing to have a cold, or flu, and expect your child to bring a bowl of soup, or box of Kleenex.  Its another thing completely to make them responsible for your feelings, and everything that you think you are incapable of doing yourself.  YES kids should participate in contributing to the household; they are members of the family and every one should pitch in.  BUT they don't do everything just because you work and come home tired.  YES they need to earn what they want.  But sometimes they can earn free time because its what they need to be a happy kid.  I remember having a client who was mentally, emotionally, and physically challenged.  I am being polite here.  He had five kids.  In the systems greater wisdom they decided that all the kids could, and should stay in his care, even though he was blatantly abusive and didn't care who knew, as long as the two eldest kids, a 20 year old son and a 17 year old daughter, were around to monitor and care for him and their siblings.  The problem was that these adolescent kids were not having any experiences other than those of being parents, a role they did not choose.  They 17 year old asked me many times if it was wrong for her to feel that she didn't want to take care of her family.  What could I say?  Of course her feelings were not wrong.  In this case the children were removed and put into foster care where an adult capable of caring for the children, who wanted to care for them, was available.  Your kids are not there to take care of you.  They should not be providing any thing that is considered beyond their years.  We have child protection laws in place for a reason.  If you are finding it hard to care for your child then you need help.  Seek it before the option is taken form you.  http://www.apa.org/pi/families/resources/abuse.aspx  
• Not everyone has to like them and they don't need to like everyone in return.  BUT they do need to learn to be polite and respectful.  Teenagers and young adults have one sure weapon that gets them noticed by adults and gains them a foothold in the adult world.  Manners.  Truly.  My youngest son is in a field where it is mostly adults BUT he was polite respectful, listened, and worked hard to get what he wanted.  While he is still not where he wants to be he definitely has his foot in the door.  NO ONE likes an entitled, smart ass, know it all teenager/young adult preaching impolitely, and disrespectfully at them.  YES I do feel their are some adolescents out their that know far more than adult's but the teen/young adult has not yet gained the power/control necessary to move what needs to be moved in order to gain success yet.  Which in most adults mindset includes experience.  Book learning is great, but there is a whole lot that is not explained adequately or even in books. SO arm them with manners.  Manners work.  Give them opportunity's to use them so they can see how they work.  Both my sons can say almost anything to persons in positions of power because they are polite and respectful.  They also understand that sometimes saying it is enough...you don't always get what you want just because you asked for it, or think its a better way of doing something.  http://www.askdrsears.com/topics/parenting/discipline-behavior/morals-manners/7-ways-teach-your-child-manners
•  You will rarely ever be right so just get comfortable with it.  When we need for our kids to benefit from our wisdom we present it as, this is what worked for me.  Help them problem solve all the possible outcomes, especially when dealing with a possible unsafe situation.  A party at a friends house, camping with a bunch of friends, taking a plane for the first time, etc.  You can try asking them if they are uncertain about anything and do they want/need advice.  BUT you will be wrong until proven right.  Even then they may not admit it.  Its ok....most of the time you will be.  Learn to be humble.  Don't say I told you so.  Just know in your heart that you did the right thing.  http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/shift-mind/201103/getting-past-the-impasse-right-or-wrong
•  Have fun!  Remember everything!  Take as many picture's as you can.  Even of the not so fun stuff.  Its ok for your kids to see that they were not the perfect, cute adorable, well dressed little man or woman you wanted them to be.  All aspects of life have value.  There were times in our parenting that were pretty horrible.  I was absolutely sure we were irreparably damaging our kids.  But we didn't.  Now I look back and think that my perception and insecurity's of parenting were mine.  I followed our parenting rules, most of the time, and our kids could see that we were humans doing the best we could, most of the time.  What more could you ask for?  Now we look back and laugh over some situations that at the times that were funny,  AND the ones that were not, and still are not funny, we look back on as a valuable learning experience. 
•  Your kids are not an extension of you; they are individuals with their own personality's, feelings, thoughts, opinions etc.  Respect this.  The sooner you show and teach that you respect them as individuals the sooner and easier it will be to parent them, especially in their teens and young adult hood.  You don't want to be the parents of a child who you never see or talk to do you?  All that work for nothing in the end.  Listen to them when they are sharing what they like or don't like.  Find out why.  Know their friends, music, movies, video games, computer habits etc.  Don't do this in an evasive controlling way.  Make it more of a sharing of information.  If it weren't for my sons I wouldn't know how to work much of my computer.  I would by completely unaware of many great movies, and way behind on what todays music is.  My daughter in law has also started teaching me how to update my hair and clothing.  It has been a very valuable exchange of information.  http://www.basic-life-skills-made-easy.com/teaching-life-skills.html
•  Be prepared for everything and I mean everything.   Read read read as much as you can on parenting from every source you can get your hands on, even the stuff you don't agree on.  For instance.  If you keep it in your head that your child will follow the faith you subscribe to and are not prepared to answer the questions that all teens have concerning religion, faith, and god, then chances are you are going to have a rebellious teen on your hands refusing to attend church with you.  BUT if you understand that most teens question this then you are prepared to answer questions politely and respectfully.  In our house my hubby is catholic, I am Buddhist, our youngest leans towards Daoism and our eldest is agnostic.  It works because in our house the rule was its not that you have to have the same belief as us, you just have to have faith.  Even if you choose to be an atheist then be the best one you can and be prepared to answer others questions about your choice.  Educate people that their are many different people and many different beliefs none of them are wrong or right they just are.  Its not a particular faith that makes us successful; it is having faith in general.  It teaches us to subscribe to an idea that is greater than ourselves.  Selfishness vs. selflessness.
•  It is not the job of your children to give you grandchildren.  YES knowing that the family lives on and that possibly the reason they want kids is because they loved being in your family so much is all fine and good.  BUT speaking as a social worker their are a whole lot of kids out there being born into family's for a lot of wrong reasons.  The foster care system is full of them.  There are also a whole lot of grandparents parenting their grand children.  Having kids is a personal choice.  This is something you should not push your kids into.  YES I admit I would love to be a grandma.  But only if my kids want to be parents.  ;)  ON another note its also not for any parent to tell their kids that they should never have children.  My parents did that to me and you know what?  Only made me want to be a far better parent then they were.  Parenting is a personal choice has nothing to do with anyone else.  So when you decide to parent don't make the choice to have children based on any help you think you will get from anyone else.  The child is your responsibility, not your parents, not friends, family, schools, government etc.  In the end you will be responsible for much of your child's life until they are adults and take control of their own life.  What do you really want them to learn about life while with you?  Independence or dependence?
• http://www.empowermentresources.com/info2/childrenlearn-long_version.html
•  All kids rebel and if they don't chances are there could be something wrong at home or with their development.  Rebellion is appropriate and it happens at different stages of development in different ways for different kids.  Some scream and yell at you.  Some throw fits, some are silent, some stop talking, some need to be heard, always, about everything,  Some keep messy rooms, some keep OCD clean rooms.  Some play video games, some read novels we never thought they would, some listen to music, watch movies, surf porn, become very educated, buck the educational system, play sports, become artists, dress like everyone, dress like no one, wear make up, stop going to church, become promiscuous, become overly involved in church, do drugs, do no drugs, race cars, ride a bike everywhere, get tattoos, join gangs, isolate themselves; the list is endless and all depends on who your child is and what their family and environment is like.  What you need to remember is you can figure out what they need by how they rebel.  Our youngest hated public school from the day he entered it.  It was always a challenge for him and by extension us.  We tried alternative schooling and then finally, when he was 15, he announced that he could drop out of school at 16 with out our permission.  WELL there was no way I was going to support him living at home while he sat around and played games on his computer all day.  SO in our house there is a rule, everyone gets a diploma.  We asked him how are you going to follow this rule.  The consequences of not following this rule were getting a job to support yourself.  Now we have also told the kids as long as we have a home you have a home BUT we do not provide all the luxury's that come with it.  I do not buy them their clothes, I do not do their laundry, or clean up after them, they can eat what we eat but if they want anything else they need to provide it.  We have also cut off electricity to their computers etc.  Sounds harsh but in real life these are not things that are needed to survive.  In social work a child is removed from a home when basic needs are not being met.  Shelter, clothing, food, love etc.  We provided these.  We did not provide rewards for a life well lived.  Dropping out of school was making a choice to not live a good life; we would not support this.  He would not live on mine and hubbys hard work.  He wanted luxury's for himself he would work for them.  Well he dropped out, but got his diploma at night school, graduated at 16 was in college at 17; graduated from one of the best automotive institutes in the country at 19, pursued Mercedes Benz ruthlessly until they hired him at 20 and is now working at Nissan at 21.  Transferred by the owner of both Mercedes Benz and Nissan because he noticed our son and wanted to keep him in the company instead of letting him go due to not having enough work at Mercedes.  He is not starting his own business on the side because he doesn't want to work for someone else his whole like. (Yes we are very proud of him and like to gush...sorry)  Did hubby and I just want to give in and take care of him...yes.  Especially me.  Its so much easier than dealing with all the crap and bad feelings.  But now look at him!  He's awesome!  Public school is not right for everyone; show your kid that their are alternatives and life after school.  Which also takes me back to the recognize your kid as an individual, not an extension of you.  http://www.livestrong.com/article/561005-what-are-the-causes-of-rebellious-children-teens/

           As parents we fight obstacles daily.  Huge hurdles that test our parenting and our kids.  Peers, other family members, friends, the cashier at 7-11 for gosh sakes! TV., video games, music, advertising, schools, teachers, politicians, government, god, no god, Buddha, Allah, Facebook, u-tube, computers, its again endless.  Anyone who says that how a child comes out is completely the responsibility of the parents doesn't have a clue.  In order for that to happen we would need to keep our kids locked at home and expose them to only what we want to expose them to.  As soon as they enter preschool and we walk away from them they become someone else's responsibility.  They are exposed to what they learn from others and other environments.  As soon as we take them out of the house this happens!  YES as good parents we interview, and investigate, the people, places, and things that our kids come in contact with, but the bottom line is people lie, and life is not always what it appears to be.  There is no way to plan for every eventuality.   Do we all know that that relative would have molested our child?  Do we all know for sure that a teacher isn't verbally abusing our child in front of classmates?  DO we know for sure or not if our child is not being bullied?  Or doing the bullying?  Do we know that when we drop our kids off at the movies to meet friends they are staying?  Or are they seeing the movie they said they were suppose to see?  Shit I saw Carrie with Sissy Spacek with out my mother knowing about it when I was 13.  Told the movie guy I was 15.  pffft...
          Learning to maneuver these things in life is important to self esteem, self control, and independence.  We learn which lies are ok and which ones are not.  We learn to know when to tell on someone and when its ok to just keep quiet.  A child who is led to believe that every single mistruth is a lie that they will burn in hell for grows up with expectations for himself, and others, that no one can live up to, and will be disappointed in life at some point.  When this child becomes disappointed and begins to evaluate why who do you think they are going to initially become angry with?  Phases of grief include anger towards the person who you lost, or caused the loss.  Disillusionment is a loss.  They will blame you the parent.  I know most of the times my kids hid things from us.  Most of them were not a big deal and didn't harm anyone.  It was their journey towards independence.  The ones that meant something they eventually told us about.  We didn't need to pursue the truth because we trusted them.  We trusted our parenting.  http://www.parentfurther.com/resources/enewsletter/6-rules-confident-parenting
           In the end the Pith of the Matter is this; give yourself a break and trust yourself.  Know that your kid is going to make the right choice and if they don't it can be fixed.  We all wonder if they will go out and take a life by accident or worse yet if their life will be taken.  But honestly as adults we live with this possibility, individually, daily.  The opportunity for this scenario to play out in adult hood is far greater than with our children.  All we have to do is get behind a wheel and this possibility presents itself.  I always tell myself this.  Most of what we do is planned.  If we are not doing what planned the universe has a way of pointing us where we are suppose to be.  We may never know what that plan will be.  Our actions today could effect a great event generations down the line; but with out us it would never take place.  So while a car accident, where a life is taken, is horrible, and probably could have been avoided; how do you know its not exactly what was suppose to happen?  This does not mean, by any means, that you ignore the consequences of taking a life.  That you feel no remorse.  It does mean that you ask why, and what, is to be learned from this then go out and be better.  Its when we dwell, with no real intent, or thoughtful consideration to learning, that changes don't happen.  Reincarnation is not necessarily me coming back to life in another form.  It is also what I pass to my children; on to anyone whom considers me to be a role model really.  If I take all the bad parts of me, all the mistakes, all the suffering, and pass it on to my children my life is reincarnated in them.  Mistakes are normal, feeling bad about them is normal, letting them paralyze you is not.  Not learning from them is wrong. 
          So what is the greatest things they don't tell you about parenting?   Just do your best, that is all.  Parent with love, patience, compassion, kindness, confidence, and respect.  That's it.  Wish some one had explained it that easy earlier on.  ;)