Tuesday, August 13, 2013

It Exsists Already WIthin

        


           I have been meditateing and researching on the difference between being alone and being lonely.   I actually enjoy being alone, and Im ashamed to say, that being alone for me is selfish.   I like my space, I don't always like others invadeing it, I like to do what I like to do with out thinking about how its going to effect others.  Then this train of thought disappoints me...what do you mean I am human like everyone else?  thphhh... :P  Do I really think about others to the point that it is what others think that determines what I do in life?   And arnt we all subject to that from one degree to another?  I mean ultimately we are here for each other.  Anyone who thinks that they can do everything with out the help from some one else ends up being alone.  Then I am back to what exactly is being alone, and feeling lonely.  ergh....I dont like to spend too much time thinking on...well...things.  It hurts my head and detracts from my pursuit of peace.  I like to find solutions and then apply them to the best of my ability.  I also do this because of what I do for a living.   I apply all my experiences to Social Work.  I cant very well help anyone if I cant speak from a place of experience.  And once again I wonder in this whole scenario if I am thinking about my life as it interacts with others...sigh.
          So lets get to the Pith of the Matter right away.   This is my perception of things.   On one end of the spectrum you have people who do nothing but worry about what others think of them.  Some worry so much that they will close themselves off from the world so that they dont have to think about others and how they interact with them.   Well that doesnt work...I mean it doesnt matter how far you run, or how much you try to hide, the problem will always find you.
          Then you have people on the other end who dont, uh,"give a shit" about what others think at all.  They say it with this entitled sounding voice like some how their life, and their experiences, entitle them to not give a shit about anyone.  Yeah...once again it will find you.
          I believe in the middle ground.  Think about others with love and compassion, but not to the extent that it rules your life.  If I am living a life based on good morals and values then finding this balance shouldnt be hard...right?   meh....So why then is there this issue of being alone and feeling lonely.   Well what meditation doesnt answer books and the internet will.
http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-5804/The-Difference-Between-Lonely-and-Alone.html
          Aha!   Well now I get it.   Recently my married son and his wife moved to New Mexico.  I am missing them.  I am very happy for where they are in life.  They make good choices for their family.  I am proud of them.  I also feel a certain amount of joy not only for them but for my husband and I.  Thank god...we gave them the right tools to be on their own.  phew...  Once again sounds selfish, but I have no illusions about the fact that it has been everyone of my sons choice to not use the tools we taught them.  Periodically they find better tools that work for them.   When they use the tools you gave them though it occurs to you that may be, just may be, you wern't the big fuck up parent you thought you were.  You really didnt scare them for life; they respect, love, and even like you...huh...how about that.  The point here is they are successful and I am happy for them...but I still miss them.
          My adopted son lives far away and while he is wonderful about coming to almost every single family dinner I miss him also.  He is fun to talk to and I have njoyed watching him move forward in life and conquor all those challanges he puts in front of himself.  Then our youngest just turned 21, finished school, has a great job, is in a relationship also, and is a man working towards independance. 
          I am not one of those moms who looks for arguements to tell my sons what failures they are and how they are not ready to be on their own just so I can prolong the inevitable.  They leave home; its the natural progession of things, and it is what must happen for a family to be healthy; so I like them to leave under good circumstances.
          I believe in mistakes; we learn from them.  My mistakes are my own and theirs are theirs.  I sit back, give advice when its asked for (sometimes when its not) watch as they move forward and miss them.  I am done parenting; I will always be there mom and am here to lend support when ever they need it, but the times that they need it now are few and far between.   A life that I lived, that I dedicated my whole being to has passed.  And yes I mean my whole being because there was not ever anything that took priority over family.  Even if that meant sometimes saying no to them because saying no was what they needed.
          I have been spending more time then I am comfortable with, with my memorys of their childhood, my early marriage and the beginning of my life.  Some of those memorys are good and some are bad.  Then, like many married people I wonder what is in store for the second phase of my life with my husband and alone with myself.   I found this:
http://voices.yahoo.com/traditions-buddhist-marriage-ceremony-2635683.html?cat=23  
What I found most interesting, what spoke to me the most here is the first paragraph.
The central Buddhist belief holds that life is a continuing process of change and that you should always be moving towards a state of greater wisdom and awareness. Marriage doesn't hold a key place in the religion, as Buddha did not consider marriage to be a sacred ceremony, so marriage is considered to be a social rather than religious occasion. Buddha did specify that any marriage should be based upon a foundation of mutual respect and that the couple should be equal partners.
Sigh...so how can you be Buddhist and balance relationships?  And how can you be involved in a social relationship such as marriage and still understand and balance being alone?  Foudn this.
http://www.elephantjournal.com/2013/01/the-meaning-of-true-love-from-a-buddhists-perspective/ 
Somethings that stood out to me here.
We are affected by everything around us. Energy created can never be destroyed; it is merely transferred/transformed to evolve into a new form. Thus everything that “is” affects everything else that “is.” The spider weaves its web, creating a living matrix of awareness.
We experience romantic love within the context of these three aspects of creation. We suffer most when we are in fear. Sometimes the pain can seem insurmountable…we can seem alone in the vast expansive universe. Yet, at its core, suffering is an illusion.
Our fear of suffering is often far worse than the suffering itself.
To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering, one must not love. But then, one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer; not to love is to suffer; to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be happy, one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness.
~ Woody Allen
 
AND

Suffering is derived from perceiving a loss.
Authentic love is whole, complete and, in essence, beyond suffering. The absence of love is suffering. The illusion of loss leads to suffering. When something dies, you don’t lose it, because you never owned it. We suffer most when we are attached to the illusion. True love does not leave a wound when it is lost, because true love can never be lost. Once created, “it” exists forever within the unity of the Divine sphere. The divine conversation of love is something beyond a mere notion or discussion—it is alive, filled with the budding possibility of a butterfly about to open its wings for the first time.
Love is just a word until someone comes along and gives it meaning.
~ Anonymous
Rumi asks,
“Oh lovers, where are you going? Who are you looking for? Your beloved is right here.”
Love: Ceaselessly searching for the ultimate feeling of completion. That which is searched for, exists already within.

And there it is in that last sentance.  That which is seached for, exsists already within.
I will end it here.
Peace out.

Friday, August 2, 2013

Fellow Feeling

 


        
Elizabeth Gilbert
“In the end, though, maybe we must all give up trying to pay back the people in this world who sustain our lives. In the end, maybe it's wiser to surrender before the miraculous scope of human generosity and to just keep saying thank you, forever and sincerely, for as long as we have voices.”
Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love: One Woman's Search for Everything Across Italy, India and Indonesia
 
 

          I dont think that I have written anything where I have not mentioned compassion.   It got me to thinking that it is time to define this.  Compassion is at the for front of aquiring good Karma, which I have blogged about a few times so I wont rehash that.  (and a sigh of relief is heard from all my readers ;P )  I do want to make sure that everyone who reads my thoughts understands what I mean when I talk about compassion.   So lets get at what it means to be compassionate exactly shall we.
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/compassion?s=t
 Here is the deffinition for compassion but I am also going to include sympathy, and sorrow.   http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/sympathy?s=t     http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/sorrow?s=t
          Basically the common thread in these is feelings.   Since everyones feelings are there own compassion is individual also.   It could be said that using compassion towards someone means opening your self up to feeling something for them.   It means understanding their suffering, feeling their sorrow and being sympathetic.  SO in order to feel compassion you have to be open to feeling.
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/feelings?s=t
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=feelings
          In Buddhism there is always alot of talk about compassion.  We are percieved as being kind, helpful and loving to everyone no matter what we face in life.  We are portrayed with flowers in hand, long white robes, bald, sitting in meditation, pondering the atrocitys of the world, and/or lovingly helping everyone, even those who deserve no help by any ones deffinition.  (Usually in an airport...well befor 911 anyways.)  This is only paritally true.
          YES when there are events happening in the world, or our personal lives, we meditate.  Clearning your mind gives you the answers that were, in all reality, already there but were unable to come forward because we were caught up in our emotions, suffering.  I am not bald, infact few Buddhists that I know are.  (Im actually quite attached to my head of hair.)   We do try to help those that accept it, BUT, we dont force ourselves on to others lives because we know that if some one does not want help, love, and compassion, then it will do no good to force it.   Many of us do eat some meat, but mostly vegatables not  only  because we value life, but because we knw that caring for our body is directly related to caring for our minds, and our minds care for our feelings.  Many of us also have tattoos.  This actually became popular in the United States, which, depending on who and what you read, some purist Buddhists take issue with.  But us Americans always need to be different.  My tattos are original expressions of me and my spirituality; they are tied into Buddhism and are talismans for me.  I do not think I have disfigured my body.  While I feel I can loose some weight I love my body as a whole and love the art that some great artists have agree'd to letting me be their canvas.
http://www.how-to-meditate.org/
          When I say we take care of ourselves this has another idea behind it other than what we put into our body through food and drink.  It also includes out thoughts and who we choose to include in our circle of friends.  This is not done with selfishness, but with the intent of selflessness.  Some times choosing to continue a relationship is selfish.  Good Karma is not being produced for either people involved when you stay in a bad relationship.  When I fire a friend it is because I know, in my heart and soul, that I have given ending the relationship much thought (meditation).   I have given it everything in my power to make it successful and it still is not.    
         Sometimes, yes, I feel like I have failed, but then I understand the greater lesson of life.   In a world of people we are not all going to get along.   BUT on the flip side of that understanding I will make every attempt to not speak ill of the person.  I try to stay compassionate towards the person who I have choosen to not include in my circle.  WHo am I to say if the way they live is right or wrong?  I only know it doesn' mesh well with my choices.  Yes, I am not perfect, and when I am feeling hurt I say things that I later regret.   I work almost every day at making my speech authentic, loving, honest and compassionate.  I am sure that if anything keeps me from Nirvana it will be my words, which I always feel the need to express.  However on the flip side of that comes in the idea of being compassionate to myself.   The point I make here is that daily compassion is a never ending balancing act that required thoughtfulness. 
Here are three different view points on what compassion is.
http://www.buddhanet.net/ans57.htm
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-compassion-chronicles/200804/what-is-compassion-and-how-can-it-improve-my-life
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Compassion
What they all mention in one form or another is the desire to help some one else because you are moved by some ones suffering.   Here are a few different perspectives on suffering.
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/suffering?s=t
http://www.thebigview.com/buddhism/fourtruths.html
http://reformedperspective.ca/index.php/resources/196-why-do-we-suffer-buddhism-vs-christianity?catid=55%3Achristian-living
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Suffering
         Now here is the trick in being compassionate.  Lets use an example that all of us have dealt with.  You have a friend who's main goal in life is to complain about how life has dealt him or her a very bad hand.  Every horrible thing in her life that she has and/or is experiencing is due to extenuateing circumstances, other people in her life, or some kind of supposed mental/emotional ailment, which by the way she has never gotten a genuine diagnosis for.   From her perspective she has tried everything to make her life better, and be happier, but the universe is just out to get her.  It is all out of her control. 
          Well... when I hear this I actually do feel compassion.  How sad that some one doesnt understand that we all deal with suffering on a daily basis from one degree to another.  How sad that this person doesnt know the tools for making her life happier, even while dealing with the unavoidable suffering.  So I, being a fixer, goes in and helps, listens, gives advice if asked to, does everything possible to role model, to this person, that what we have is what we deserve.   She can choose to deserve a happy life, it is all a matter of perspective.  
          More often than not what happens is that this person, whom you try to help, ends up hurting you and causing a great deal of suffering.  Not necessarily because they are a bad person, but because they just arnt in the place to understand being compassionate, and loving, to them selves yet.  The point is that it is great to feel compassionate towards some one like this, BUT it is also ok to be compassionate to YOU and say that you are done because you are not going to continue to feed her suffering.  The goal in using compassion is to eliminate suffering, not support it.  So like I said earlier, some times it is more compassionate to walk away calmly, lovingly, and let the universe take its course.  
          I know that some view this as giving up, and selfish.  But lets use another example.   You have an adolescent who has an addiction problem.   You have tried everything to help, out of love, and compassion, but, nothing works.  Infact, it might almost appear as if some of the things that you are doing to help are actually making the suffering of your child, family, and your self worse.  At what point do you decide that the wisest, more loving, choice is to use compassion for yourself and let your child learn to be a self less, loving, compassionate individual?   What if you are inter fering with their Karma, which ends up being bad Karma for you also?  In child development land this is called role modeling.  When you role model using compassion towards yourself you are teaching your child how to care for themselves, which does not encourage o support codependancy...get where I am going with this?
          I know some people think I have detached from them in anger, but I will state again that anger is also an emotion used for hurt, and grief.  I will share with you that I often feel hurt, anger, and grief for humans, including myself.   I truley dont understand why so many of us do what we do.  Do things that cause our selves, and others, suffering.  BUT I know that I feel this way because I feel compassion.  I feel.   I am not afraid to feel.  I also work hard at expressing how I feel appropriateley...most of the time.  (Once again admitting that I am human, and make kistakes, which I learn from.)  So I blog on a multitude of topics in an attempt to reach out and, not only share my perspective on compassion in general, but, also in hopes of teaching others how to be happier. (and bring a greater understanding to myself in this area also.)
          I also role model being compassionate where it is realistic for me to be so.   i.e.-Some one talks ill in front of me concerning, hmmm say for instance, bad punishment techniques used on their child.  I am going to speak out, compassionately, to this person on how they can feel better about themselves as a person, and parent, by using loving, compassionate, discipline techniques.  I give them the tools to be happier.  The consequences are they come back again and again asking how to deal with a situation.  GOOD no big deal I am happy to help.  Ive been a parent of three challanging people, I get how you feel.
          BUT if you expect to come back, complain, blame and do nothing but the same things that you have always done and expect some results then we are done.  (What is that deffinition of crazy again?)  It is more compassionate to let you take the consequences of your choices in hopes that you will have an aha moment that helps you finally understand what YOU need to do to make your life happier.  Teaching any one to be successful, in almost anything, requires one thing only.  COMPASSION.  Compassion encompasses petience, love, understanding, listening, empathy, all those things that we need to teach and learn with.   Whether it is  being compassionate towards some one else or yourself a lesson will be learned.
          This site has the steps on how to be compassionate.  Once again it is focused on Buddhism, but anyone can take its meaning and use it.  Even if you use only steps:
1- Bascially greet each day with optimism and a smile.
5- Be kind to everyone you meet; even if they are not kind to you.
and
 7- End each day with daily affirmations, remind yourself every thing in your day that you are thankfull for.   Here's another interesting element to that idea, dont repeat the same thing for at least a month.
http://www.wikihow.com/Cultivate-Compassion-in-Your-Life
          If you can do all of the suggestions on how to be more compassionate GREAT!  But those three simple suggestions will improve how you look at your life and make you more compassionate.  Honestly there are some days where I am great at following through on all the steps, most of the time I stick to the abbreviated steps and meditateing.  I do truly believe that compassion helps me to understand the un-understandable in life which is why I really have no problem sticking to at least steps 1, 5, 7 and meditateing.  When I am faced with news on t.v. of hate crimes, mass murders, abuse, terrorism, genecide, atrocitys towards human rights, human trafficing, drugs, etc. etc. I keep compassion in my thoughts and ask.  How many lost people there are in the world who choose to live a life of suffering and cause so much suffering around them?   Then I think on it a little and ask myself what can I do that will make a difference.   I do not think that bad trickles down; I think good trickles up.  So if I am kind to everyone, if I do the little things like listen, love, help where ever I can, give where ever I can, and if I beleve that every one whom I touch in kindness pays it forward, then I beleive that any one person can make a difference.  May be it wasnt me that instigated a postive change, but may be it was some one who I was kind to who was kind to some one else, who was kind to some one else, who was kind to a person in the position of power, who has the power to make a difference and then actually goes out and passes a law that ends suffering some where. 

Steve Maraboli
“Dare to Be

When a new day begins, dare to smile gratefully.

When there is darkness, dare to be the first to shine a light.

When there is injustice, dare to be the first to condemn it.

When something seems difficult, dare to do it anyway.

When life seems to beat you down, dare to fight back.

When there seems to be no hope, dare to find some.

When you’re feeling tired, dare to keep going.

When times are tough, dare to be tougher.

When love hurts you, dare to love again.

When someone is hurting, dare to help them heal.

When another is lost, dare to help them find the way.

When a friend falls, dare to be the first to extend a hand.

When you cross paths with another, dare to make them smile.

When you feel great, dare to help someone else feel great too.

When the day has ended, dare to feel as you’ve done your best.

Dare to be the best you can –

At all times, Dare to be!”
Steve Maraboli, Life, the Truth, and Being Free