Act Your Age: Trevon and Aegism

 

 

 

 

“Some day you will be old enough to start reading fairy tales again.”
― C.S. Lewis        

           I really dislike that phrase grow up and act your age.   I use it sparingly.  I think it is one of those comments that many people throw out there but really dont understand its meaning and the implications of its meanings.  
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/act?s=t
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/age?s=t
I have said it to my kids, rarely, but it has been said.   I use it when I think a wake up call needs to be made.   Something along the lines of you keep on bucking the system, which I have respect for, but you are doing it in a selfish, self centered way that suggests you are owed something...grow up, it doesnt work that way...you want something to change?  Then be the change; stop complaining about others around you who are not changing, that is not what its all about.  Any whoooo....the universe once again layed a series of events at my feet for me to think about.   So I praise your petience with my line of story telling.
         Years ago, when we lived in New Mexico, I use to give trainings to persons in the child care field.   These covered a variety of topics, emergency preparedness, curriculum, classroom management, how to discipline, praise, stages of development and a few others.  Technically these all go hand in hand and in order to run an effective child care everyone coming in contact with children, parents included, should know the details of these topics.
http://www.ahdaycare.com/daycare_checklist.htm
         I remember the trainings I did based on how I performed.  I would give out feed back questionairs at the endof each training, I valure constructive crtisism.   WHile I found the feed back valueable what I remember most are the questions that persons asked of me during training and how I responded.   I was careful to observe how someone responded/ reacted to my answer; it was a learning tool for me.  I felt then, and still do feel, that how I respond to a question is what defines me, in my book, as a good teacher. Ive written, and said out loud, many times before, is that it is ok not to know an answer to every thing.  Saying I dont know but I can find out for you, or teaching some one how to find the answer themselves can gain you far more respect then pretending to know all the answers.   There are a couple of times that I felt that I did give some pretty good answers and Im going to share the details of one of those times for a reason that will, as always, become clear as you read on.
          One time during a training we were discussing adolescence with the school age teachers and how some of the older children, who were coming to child care, could be incorporated into classroom helpers of sorts.  These older kids were embarrassed to come to child care and more often than not would use bad behavior while there.  The younger kids looked up to them so, before you know it, you had a whole bunch of kids, from 5 to 13, behaving badly.  BUT if the older kids, starting around 11, were allowed to have certain responsibilitys that engaged them in the running of their environment, and these responsibilitys were viewed as privledges reserved for the older, well behaved kids, then the classroom had a tendancy to run smoother.  
          This conversaton led, some how, I cant exactly remember, to the caregivers in charge of the school age kids which were more often than not adolescents themselves.  Child cares have a tendancy to put their youngest employees, persons usually in there 20s in charge of the school age group, which actually I dont have a huge issue with as long as they are mature enough to deal with all the issues that arise with this stage of development.  Unfortunetly these young teachers usually are not trained, and are put with this age group because the directors of child cares think its a good idea to have some one close to the kids age, some one who is full of energy, and enthusiasm, working with the schoool age group.  Being untrained and just thrown into this age group can cause many problems, poor disciplining, poor classroom boundaries, disorganization, high levels of frustration, failures (not mistakes where some one is learning) and an inevitable a high turn over in teachers.  Sad.   The person who brought up this problem was a Director of a center and was expressing her frustration at these young kids (whom she hired by the way) who come in to work and end up doing a poor job.  She was frustrated and didnt want to hire young people anymore, she had had enough.
http://life.familyeducation.com/teen/behavioral-problems/39350.html
http://www.focusonyouth.com/pdfs/Understanding%20Adolescent%20Behavior.pdf
          Well...I started off getting input from other directors on their positive experiences in hiring and working with younger employees.   This led to the pros of having some portion of the staff that is younger.  Then I politely pointed out if anyone remembered being young and their first experiences in looking for a job?  How did it feel wanting to find experience in what they wanted to do in life but being turned away because of their age.  (Many of the young people who look for jobs in child care actually want to make a career in working with children and familys.)
          Adolescents have to work at least twice as hard as anyone else to find a job that they really want.  Then they have to pay closer attention, then most of us, at how they behave in order to keep their job.   More often than not they are faced with employers that have no petience with their learning curve.   Well I didnt make a whole lot of friends with that statement, I inadvertantly pointed out some flaws that some directors had in dealing with their staff...oops oh well.
  http://www.shrm.org/about/foundation/products/documents/onboarding%20epg-%20final.pdf   (note:  I included this site because I believe that every one is capable of performing almost any job.  But individual assessment needs to be taken into consideration.  You cannot treat everyone the same and expect the same results; the public school system has already shown us that that thinking does not work.)
         I also pointed out that as child care providers, and child development experts,  (which is what the Director is suppose to be.)  if we wanted to be taken seriously in our field then it was part of our duty to not only educate the public, but to also ensure that our staff is very well educated.  The staff reflects the center, and the center is always a reflection of the director.  Truth.   If a center genuinly believes, supports, and advocates knowledge in all stages of development choosing to not hire some one in there 20s due to lack of experience goes against what the center stands for.   The younger teachers needed mentors, simple as that.  Which leads me to my next thought in this whole process and the real reason for this blog.
          There is a discriminization that everyone uses and is rarely ever aware of; it is that of age discrimination.  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Age_discrimination
I find my self in an interesting place in my life which I never bargained for; this has opened up, again, another area of advocacy.   Being over the age of 50 many employers look at that age and think a multitude of things.   You are old and set in your ways, if the supervisor is younger than you they are uncomfortable with this age gap, they usually want employees that are younger than them and wont question anything.   They think that because you are with out a job that their must be something wrong with you.   Like an adolescent you are treated with an attitude that you are lazy, uneducated OR that because of your extensive experience they cant afford you, you are over qualified.  Bleh!  Wiping spittle off monitor.  (A note here, I do not put my birth date and/or age down on my resume or applicatin, it is not relevant to how I perform my job.  My experience, education, job history, and personal performance is the only thing relevant.)
         This attitude actually presents itself in many environments.   Colleges and Universitys predominently teach towards the younger person.  Many instructors do not understand how to teach the returning student who has been out of school for at least 10 years and has a different level of wisdom and experience.  The older student, and employee, do not fit into the book learning mold.   Most of us have done some schooling and have bilt upon what we learned through experience bringing a completely different level of wisdom to the classroom and work place.
  http://everydaylife.globalpost.com/advantages-disadvantages-older-adults-college-6562.html
         For instance, I explained to a math instructor once who was trying to gain my support in his explaination to the younger students how math will be impoatnat in everyday life.  Well some of it I agree'd with, but I also explained how taking statistics really was not going to be used in y career.   He asked what that was, I shared Social Work and he tried to explain how I would use it.  I said that I had already been working in the field for 25+ years and never used that math in any shape or form...The wisdom of some one older, and an example of how the norm does not recognize individuals and their needs to be successful.
         Heres another interesting aspect of ageism that I have come across alot of lately.   If you are over the age of 40 some how it is inappropriate to socialize with persons who are under the age of 35....not kidding.  AND if you are ver 50 well then everyone should be around your own age or some how you are not acting...well...your age?!?!   Again BLEH!
          THEN if you engage in some kind of activity that is viewed as being something too young for you well forget i;t any chance at being percieved with respect by some persons with in yout age group is completely diminished if not gone completely.   Which I don't unerstand?   Should we stop doing something we enjoy just because some one else thinks we are too old?
          I have many friends who are my own age and younger.  I dont have any that are older because I have not had the opportunity...which thinking of now I should find the opportunity.   I have been told on a couple of occasions that one-having friends that are younger is wierd, and two- that the mothers of some of my younger firends think it is rediculous that I am friends with their kids...who by the way are in their late thirties and fourties.   Here is what I want to say about that, not only for my benefit but to once again increase everyones tolerance and compassion towards humankind in general.
          I personally do not go looking for frends who are solely with in my age group.  I search for persons who are with in the same mind set, who share, for the most part, the same morals, values, intellegence, perceptions, hobbys, etc.   I think everyone, no matter what age, socioeconomic background, race, gender, spirituality, has some thing of interest to offer and I dont want to limit my field of knowledge and understanding.  So when you make a comment to me that I am some how less of a person for respecting persons who are not my age, and choosing to have valuable relasionships with them that I feel everyone benefits from it is not a reflection on me but a reflection on who you are.   When I hear something of this kind I think that the person making it is prejudice...how sad.
          Here is something else to consider.   Stages of development do not end at adolescence!  They continue our whole lives, hence the need for the field of human development.   Our whole lives we are progressing as human beings, changing, learning.  Our WHOLE lives!!   Who siad that once we hit a certain age it suddenly becomes a mid life crises to be interested in computer gaming?  Canoeing?  Going to music concerts?  (and not just the bands that we grew up with?)  Driving a bright red V8 mustang?  Or riding a motorcycle to work everyday?  Who said that suddenly anyone of any age is incapable of learning something new?   If that last statement is true then why are we here?  What is our purpose in life as we get older?  TO sit back and watch the younger generation rule the world?  A younger generation, by the way, that many of us criticize for their lack of experience?   So we dont take the time to guide them into experience and they wont listen to ours.  For crying out loud...sometimes I truley weep for the human race, especially Americans.  In many other countrys around the world each generaton is valued for what they have to offer and it is this perspecitve that has made many cultures exsistence possible for thousands of years.   Respect.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Human_development
http://voices.yahoo.com/stages-development-changes-adolescence-through-1277951.html
          I am going to remind everyone that prejudice, and discrimination, arise out of fear and ignorance.  It is true.  The real reasons for anyone not learning about something, or somebody, is fear.  Fear of change.   We become so comforatable in our own little isolated world that we forget that theirs are many worlds within, and with out, our own with many different lives, and ways of living.  I still maintain that one of our real reasons for being here is to learn as much about everyone, and every environment, as possible and then spread this knowledge to whom ever will listen. 
          Here is something else for you to ponder.  I know not everyone listens to me.  My voice does not speak to everyone, but what if yours does speak to someone who doesnt hear mine?   What if by limiting who we choose to know because of race, gender, spirituality, education, monetary and or AGE differences we are limiting how we change the world?   If we choose to live by one perspective only then change is not taking place.  We dont open ourselves to learning.  
          So what is the Pith of the Matter?   I refer to facebook again because I know many of you who read this also have face book accounts and share your information through face book, which is great!  Gets more information to a greater amount of people with in a shorter amount of time.   Lately there have been alot of posts of racism thanks to the Trevon Martin case.   I want to change your perspective on this.  
          The true prejudice underlying all the misunderstanding of every group is the age gap.   Trevon Martin was an adolescent who was misunderstood for the way he looked NOT because of his color but his AGE!!!   There are many younger persons walking around out there who scare the shit out of older persons because of the way they look and it has NOTHING to do with the color of their skin!!       https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Generation_gap
         My eldest son for example sports many tattoos, has long hair, a beard, and is a huge guy.  He is intimidateing looking until you get to know him then you find out what an intellegent, compassionate guy he is   He is testing the perceptions of everyone he comes in contact with.  He is a walking talking lesson for morality and values.  He questions the boundaries of the norm.   We are not what we look like!  We are something beyond, and above, appearances and everytime anyone suggests other wise it is a HUGE disrespect to all of us!   We all need to grow up, act our age and respect what ever that deffinition of age means individually to each one of us. 
 http://www.usm.maine.edu/sites/default/files/Department%20of%20Sociology/Act%20your%20age.pdf
         In closing I want to share the following.   I feel compassion for any of you who have made the comment to me, and others, that we need to grow up.  I suspect there is a certain amount of jealousy for the fact that you wish you were also doing some things that the norm percieves as inappropriate behavior for your age group.  But I, personally,  have never subscribed to a social group whos beliefs encourage limitations.  I believe none of us have limitations and we are all possible of doing what ever we put our minds to at what ever age you are.  Limitations are individual deffinitions based on our own individual physical limitations, which are real, and/or mental, intellectual, and emotional limitations, which can feel real, but more often than not are unreal.  So with that said I want to pose a couple final questions to you?   What age are you behaving?  How do you know it is appropriate developmentally?  Is it apporpriate or limiting?  How do you know?  If you cant answer these then you have already instilled limtations, but only on yourself...not me, or your kids, or anyone else.   You cant set limits and then expect change.

“Youth can not know how age thinks and feels. But old men are guilty if they forget what it was to be young.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

 

“Though much is taken, much abides; and though
We are not now that strength which in old days
Moved earth and heaven, that which we are, we are;
One equal temper of heroic hearts,
Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will
To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.”
― Alfred Tennyson, Idylls of the King and a Selection of Poems

Looking Through The Shop Window

It is a strange trade that of advocacy.  Your intellect, your highest heavenly gift is hung up in the shop window like a loaded pistol for sale.  -Thomas Carlyle
http://www.victorianweb.org/authors/carlyle/carlyle4.html

          I like this quote by Carlyle concerning advocacy.  I picture someone standing outside a shop window and looking in at every thing that is put out into the open to possibly add to their lives.   I think if you are an informed consumer subscribing to what someone else advocates has the same concept of sales.  The advocate has to be able to be a salesman to some extent.   We have to be well informed, and experienced, at what we are trying to sell to someone or we dont make the sale.  An easy concept when you think about it.  But then I think about the series Mad Men and how these men, and women, make an art form on manipulateing the public to buy what they are selling.   They are not so interested in the concept of, "is what we are selling actually going to improve the quality of life" as how much money will it make us. So, as consumers, if we dont take the time to research what the other person is trying to sell us, then more often than not, we find ourselves buying into something that we really dont need, something that we really dont believe in, and most importantly, something, that in the end, will truley not make us happy.
          I have actually had this idea on my mind for some time but was struggling a little with how and what to put into words.  It is the idea of advocacy.   I am all for advocateing.  There are a few things I feel strongly about and advocate.   I am a child advocate, always making the sale for the best interest of the child and adolescent.  I am an advocate for free will and free choice.  I am an advocate for familys.  I make sales pitches constantly for peace, honesty, love and compassion.  I advocate being able to speak your mind politely and respectfully, but still speaking it, selling it.  I advocate sharing thoughts and ideas.  I sell creativity.   I advocate what I feel very strongly about and (here is the important part of advocateing) I advocate what I am realistically able to sell.   I am able to sell what I beleive in to most people most of the time.
          The last part is what has made me ponder advocacy.  I think some people out there are confused.  I have observed that some people seem to think that just talking about something is the same thing as advocateing it and then they wonder why they can't sell it.  I will explain why in hopes of making some people better advocates for what they speak out about.
          I am going to advocate that using a dictionary to fully understand the meaning of a word helps you understand how to use the word.  Not just in a sentance, but applying it to morals, values and actions.  So here is the site for dictionary.com.
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/advocate?s=t
Pretty straight forward deffinitions I think.  Lets take it a step farther.  There are some people who get hung up on deffinitions, for instance take the first two; writing and speaking for what you believe in.  The real key to being a great advocate are the last two.  Speaking up for another human being and pleading in a court of law.  
Lets elaborate on the last deffinition especially.
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/court?s=t
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/law?s=t
          I think that in a deffinition of a word many of us think that the meaning has an either/ or status...why cant it be all of the above?   So because right now I am advocateing you putting the pieces of all of this together think about that when reading all of the possible deffinitions for court and law.   Learning how to do this effectively wil make you a better sales person.  You will be able to discuss what you are trying to sell from all view points.  Now just so you dont get confused about what my mind set is I want to share that I do not advocate taking the law into your own hands, forming your own court and instilling your own brand of justice.  Dont forget I advocate peace, love, truth and compassion.  So in forming your own opinions about what you choose to advocate for always remember to keep true to yourself.  Include your core morals and values.
          I will share a few examples of what I mean.  I have a friend that I met through school.  We are not great friends, but she has earned my respect and there fore I call her friend.  She is a great advocate against GMO's and an advocate for healthy living.   She sports some pretty awesome tattoos, another reason for liking her, and she researches everything that she advocates for.  Most importantly she walks the walk; meaning she lives what she sells.   This is an important step in advocacy if you want people to take you seriously.   How can you possibly advocate if you are not living what you advocate for?  So when I need advice on certain issues regarding food and healthy living I tap into her knowledge.  Here's another part of respectful advocacy, if she doesnt know she says so.  Honest selfless behavior.  She's a great sales person.  When she posts on facebook regarding GMO's, and other information, I take the time to read because I trust her knowledge.  I know what she's trying to sell means something to her and I trust her.  I took the time to find out what kind of person she is before buying into what she is selling.
          Another example along the same lines is a friend/ hairdresser who also advocates a healthy lifestyle.  NOW I put hairdresser in her title for a reason and I will explain.  A hairdresser is what she does it is not who she is.  WHO she is incorporates her lifestyle which is her extensive knowledge on nutrition and exercise.  (Although she is an awesome hari dresser.)  She learned this after loosing close to two hundred pounds.  She walks the walk and is another example of a person who uses respectful advocacy.  She Is also Buddhist so her lives is focused on love, kindness and compassion towards others no matter what she does. When she makes a post on facebook I read it because I know it was well researched and will hold merit.  I buy what she is selling.
          I can pretty safely say that just about everyone who is on my facebook advocates honestly, respectfully, compassionately and selflessly.  More importantly if they make a mistake they dont get all but hurt about it, they just research it more and either prove they were right in their thinking or say sorry and learn from their mistake.  They are all true wonderful examples of outstanding human beings and I advocate for them as such always.  If I cant then you are not on my friends list; at the beginning, and end, of each day I need to advocate for me first.  I want my word to mean something; it is important to me to sell a genuine product that I beleive in.  Here are some sites that have some pretty good advice on how to advocate.
http://www.naemt.org/advocacy/advocate/howtoadvocate.aspx
http://www.co.oswego.ny.us/mental/guidelines%20on%20how%20to%20advocate%20for%20yourself.pdf
http://www.cccnewyork.org/about/what-is-effective-advocacy/?gclid=CLX1xv3QtLgCFazm7Aodaj4ADg
          Here are my thoughts for you that these sites dont address on how to advocate for something you believe in.   I feel that everyone, at one time or another, questions their place in the world.  I have shared before that one of the things that was said to me when I was a teen came from my father,  "We are here to touch one persons life.  We may never know who that person is but that is why we always make the choice to be kind and understanding to everyone we meet."  He was not Buddhist, but that statement is one of the reasons I am.  It is also one of the reasons that I am a Social Worker, a Child Advocate, and mom, a wife, and a friend.  What he shared with me spoke to me.
          Everything I advocate speaks for who I have choosen to be as a person and, most importantly, it makes me feel good, even when others around me tried to make me feel other wise.   Even on the days when I know I have failed, made a mistake, and seen portions of life that, in all honesty, I could have happily gone a life time and not known.   Advocateing for what I beleive in, for what I truley feel strongly about keeps me centered and whole.   It is part of my core moral and value system.
 http://logical-critical-thinking.com/human-thoughts/what-is-morality-and-where-does-morality-come-from/
 http://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/newTED_85.htm        
          Since the beginning of my advocacy choice (career by the way) I have spoken to persons with in the government who can make a difference with the information I shared with them.  I have taught at the state level.  I have taught to hundreds of people.  I continute to learn what I believe in.  I speak the truth for what I believe.  I am open minded to others, and their needs, and listen to what they have to say.   I advocate for the life that I have choose, and advocate any, and all, learning opportunitys.   Some might read this and say to themselves that I am pretty full of myself and am just looking for a reason to get attention.  May be....but may be I feel good about what I have choosen, may be I feel strongly about advocacy in general, and may be I feel in selling praise.
          Being a good advocate means being able to share what you know, how you live, with enthusiasm, confidence, intellegence, respect and praise.   When anyone feels good about what they are doing they want others to feel the same way.   So while I am telling you how to be an advocate I am not telling you what to advocate for.  The choices that I have made to ensure my happiness are not going to be what makes you happy.  
          The two previous people that I used as examples I respect, not only because of their genuine advocation of what they believe in, but also because what they have choosen to advocate for are things that I have not choosen for myself.   I want to eat healthy, and make daily efforts to do so, but unlike them this lifestyle is not hard wired into me.   What is hard wired into me is understanding children.  I can look at a kid, briefly speak to a family/parent(s) and give working solutions for making any child more successful.  I am grateful everyday for this gift and genuinly understand that this gift is what I am suppose to advocate for to make the world a better place.  If I choose to take this gift and do nothing with it it is bad karma.   I put what I am selling into a store window for everyone to look at, fully aware at any time that someone might take a gun and shoot down the pane of glass and steal what I am selling.   What do I do if that happens?  Will it change how I feel about what I have choosen to advocate for?  No.   Because I believe in what I sell.  You don't have to buy into it.  But because I have choosen to fully research what I adovcate, because I feel it is part of who I am and makes me stronger, I will rebuild and continue to sell what I believe in.
          The Pith of the Matter here?   Simple really.  Find your gift.  Find your strength.  Find what drives you, what your passionate about and sell it.    Do something more that just lecturing to people around you about your supposed knowledge on what ever product happens to be the current fad to put you at the center of attention.   If you cannot back up what you know with factual evidence, much of which should be supported with wisdom based on YOUR experiences, then very few people will listen and respect you.  No one will read your facebook posts and, in fact, many will take you off of their daily feeds, perhaps block you, and troll you; and not the Im going to test your knowledge kinda troll, but the your full of shit troll and Im going to test your sales pitch to break down that pane of glass that you think follishly protects you.   A great sales person is not the one who sells you the newest version of that HD flat screen tv, or the newest tennis shoe, or computer game.  The greatest sales person is the one who buys into the life style they are trying to sell by advocateing some thing they truley beleive in.  They make you think about life; your life, others life, and everyones place in it.   I am forever grateful for every advocate in my life that makes me think about how I live.  It is these people that make me a better sales person for my own life and that is what I put into my sales window.  Dont like what you see?  Move along please, please don't loiter, no tresspassing allowed.  Nothing to see nothing to see move along.
Peace out.  ;)

Im passionate about people.  I've spent my life in advocacy.  People matter-whether or not we agree on the issue, people matter.  - Ann Marie Buerkle
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ann_Marie_Buerkle
 

A Compassionate Reflection

       
“The only real failure in life is not to be true to the best one knows.”-Buddha

          When we look in the mirror we see our reflection.  When we look into some ones eyes we see a reflection also.  The people we surround ourselves contribute to our reflection.  I know I know everyone is suppose to have this great and over whelming confidence to the point that when they look in a mirror they dont at all doubt themselves.  But who can honestly say that this happens all the time?  http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/reflection?s=t
          Come on...seriously.  If we are truley honest with our selves everyone will admit that there are days where you look into a mirror and think your eyes look puffy, you need a hair cut cause its the third day in a row of bad hair days.  You look fat, your boobs arnt as firm as they were when you were 19, you hate what you are wearing and go change it for the third time.  Uh oh theres another grey hair, or your roots are starting to show and people may realize that you are not a natural red head.  I am not talking about myself by the way....  ;)
           Men have their insecuritys also.   Is my hair line receding, is there a bald spot growing on the top of my head that I cant see?  Can I grow my hair in such a way that I can cover the hair loss?  Should I grow a beard or mustache?  Should I shave it?  My wife really likes when I have face hair though.   Should I wear this concert t-shirt from the 80s that doesnt fit anymore?  Whats wrong with the socks that I wear with sandles?  Am I going grey or silver?  Are they laugh lines or just wrinkles? 
          If you are in you adolescence well forget it; they think about what others think of them from the time they wake up till the time they go to sleep.  Regardless of how hard they try to show that they dont care.  Thank goodness for the time they sleep so they can give their brains a break! The point here is everyone from time to time of any and all ages wonders what others think of them from one degree to another.
          So how do we deal with the ugly things that we tell our selves?  If you think about it concern for what others are thinking or saying about us is worse when we are at our worse.   When we are feeling crappy because we are tired, or not feeling physically, mentally, and or emotionally 100 percent it is important to have people around us that say what we want to hear.  (I actually believe that this is in the top five reasons for people to get married.) http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/wired-success/201305/do-self-affirmations-work-revisit
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201303/fifteen-reasons-we-need-friends
          Now this is where it gets tricky.  I dont think anyone wants someone to tell them that the hair color you have been using for five years looks great when it actually doesnt.   BUT there is a nice way to put it.  "I think you look better as a brunette."   Your girl friend asks do I look fat in this, she kinda knows she does.  BUT if you say yes all hell is going to break loose and not because you agreed with her but because you were so wonderful at being compassionate in your presentation...sarcasm.  You could say something like,"I always liked that (insert another outfit here) why dont you wear that one?  You always look beautiful in that." (Make sure and use the word beautiful girls like that. She says no I wore that last time, then suggest another outfit.  If you attempt to say,"I dont kow hun you look great in everything."  She will know that you are being a lazy son of a bitch and are bascially saying that you dont care about how she looks.  AND excuse me we care about how we look for our men.  So buck up and take a few minutes out of your busy computer/tv schedule and get involved.
http://www.wikihow.com/Find-a-Way-to-Always-Say-the-Right-Thing-in-Any-Situation
          Now lets talk about that friend who always has an opinion about your life.  She never comes out and says whats on her mind she just dances around what she really thinks about you by suggesting all these grate things that she has read (on the internet by the way) that would really be good for you...sigh....I have fired alot of these people out of my life for one reason.  The reason is not because they make the suggestions it is because if you attempt to suggest something back to them, or tell them nicely that your not really interested in their suggestion they get all but hurt and take it very personally.  
          Anyone who makes suggestions about what they think you need to be happier has put themselves into the inner circle of your life for a couple of reasons.  One you have probably shared something personal with them and two they are attempting to be compassionate and help.   Here is the acid test for this scenario.  Start off small when sharing something personal.  Then when returning the favor by being there for them, and offering them in return loving, compassionate advice if they dont take it well then ask yourself,"Did I not handle this well? or is this person just a control freak?"  Want to know the answer to that?  Ask your friend the answer should give a pretty clear cut explanation and let you know how you want to proceed further in the relationship.
          Heres how this all ties together.  Giving and getting advice from anything is a tricky thing.  It is not good to assume that everyone we surround ourselves with is going to tell us what we need to here.  (You will notice that I didnt say what we want to hear...they are two different things.  What we need to hear is healthy, what we want to hear is not always.)  We want to hear praise when we are feeling down and insecure.  But we also want to hear the truth...at least I do, and many others that I know do also.  It would be great if people could also tell the truth with out attaching bad feelings to them also, but the reality of the situation is if you hurt someone then they may feel the need to express that hurt through anger, disappointment, and other emotions that you might find uncomfortable.  I have said it before and Ill say it again...buck up put on your big person pants and be accountable.
         The Pith of the Matter is this.   Most of us are smart enough to percieve honesty, love, compassion, respect and selfless behavior in some one else even when it is used with emotions that make us uncomfortable.   When you find that you are face to face with some one who keeps on suggesting alternatives to your life and they do not have these qualitys it is time to take them out of your inner circle of friends.   I have two people in my inner circle; my husband and my sister.  All of us have been through alot of stuff in our lives; but we understand each other, each others thoughts, and feelings with love and compassion.   I dont think these people always have to be family, but in my experience it is difficult finding a friend who truly understands who you are.
          When we look in the mirror what we want reflected back to us is the very best possible version of us.  When we look into some ones eyes we want the same reflection.   A mirror is unconditional, it will show us exactly what we want to see.  So are the eyes of some one who truly loves us.   The unconditional love that we all seek only happens after years and years of condtions.   http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/conditional?s=t  If you truly want to have a relationship in some ones inner circle then you have to learn what are the conditions for being accepted are.   Why would anyone let just anyone into that inner circle?  Would you let a mass murderer in?  Would you subject yourself to abuse?  The idea of unconditional does not exsist and it is for people who have never experienced a truly long loving relationship. 
          Learning what it takes to make and keep a relationship is enduring.   It not only builds your self esteem but that of the other persons.  It says you are worth my time.  Which comes full circle to the reflection thing again.  What many people dont realize about the reflection they see in the mirror is this.   May be, just may be you dont like the reflection you see not because of what others dont reflect onto you but what you reflect onto them.   In firing certain people from my life it was not so much because I didnt like what they wernt reflecting in their eyes when they looked at me, it was that I didnt like my reflection in the mirror for tolerating it.   They were bad choices for inner circle people and I didnt like myself for it.  Once I changed that scenario I liked what I saw in the mirror and the people who truley belonged in my inner circle reflected the happiness that I felt in their eyes back onto me.   I like what I see in the mirror, the eyes that look back at me reflect what I want to see and this in turn is reflected from me onto others and from them back onto me.

“In the sky, there is no distinction of east and west; people create distinctions out of their own minds and then believe them to be true.” -Buddha

Deserving What We Get

Is Fate getting what you deserve, or deserving what you get?”
― Jodi Picoult, Vanishing Acts        



          I think that if we dont pay close enough attention we miss what the universe is trying to teach us.  I also think that the lessons dont usually come in brief,"Holy fuck!" moments for the most part.   I think when the universe wants us to really absorb something it teaches us through a series of random events that we are suppose to piece together.  So... if your really not paying any attention and not giving any thought to your day to day life you could miss...well...life and what we are meant to learn, and teach, and share.
          Being Buddhist I am focused on the idea of Karma alot.  Ive blogged about it before I know, but it is a never ending developing concept.  In its simplest form it is do unto others as you would have them do unto you; or be kind to everyone.  Simple, easy rules for everyone to abide by even if you are not Buddhist.   But for the Buddhist Karma is an intricate part of day to day life.  It requires thought, and an active, involved participation.  It is giving thought to the quote,"Is fate getting what you deserve, or deserving what you get?"   http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/fate?s=t
          I am responsible for my Karma only; not any one elses.  Karma is kinda like your soul.  Christians focus on the soul and making sure it reaches heaven.  Buddhists focus on their Karma and making sure that they eventually reach nirvana and end the cycle of reincarnation.  In christianity God is the light, in Buddhism I am the light.  Before anyone starts screaming blasphamy this means that I am responsible to me for my choices in life. Karma.  This idea has evolved for me lately and it is after a few random events that I finally am able to put it into words. 
          The first event is my son and his wife have moved out of state.  They are progressing forward in their life and building their life together.  Making and defining their own family.   I have found myself in a strange place.  While I am very happy for them I feel a loss.  I am truley done being a mother to this son.  He doesnt need me any more.  I have been a mother for 27 years; while I have had other occupations being a parent has been the longest one.  I have never changed professions in this area, have never been fired, have never quit, and have, for the most part, loved every minute of it.  I guess the feeling is the empty nest syndrome? http://www.psychologytoday.com/conditions/empty-nest-syndrome 
          Even though he has not been living at home for some years now, and has been with his wife for about 3 years; this time he will be far away.   A huge part of my life has been caring for and protecting my sons.  He is truley able to provide that to himself and his wife, and they will do this for each other now.   Exactly what we strived for from the day he was born.   Bare with me here, this will tie into Karma trust me.
         The next event is I have reestablished my relationship with my sister after having a few years of no commuhnication.   This is a very good thing.   But in all honesty it has gotten me to thinking about family things that I have chossen not to think about for sometime.  Which is also not such a bad thing also.  You know how it is though...so much easier to not think about them and /or deal with them.  
          Then I watched two movies.  Both very good and which I highly recommmend everyone watching.  One is a documentary called Hitlers Children.
 http://www.moviefone.com/movie/hitlers-children/10081760/main    This movie shows how the deeds, and atrocitys, of Hitlers top leaders of the Nazi regime left a horrble legacy for their familys.   Actual children, grand children, nieces and nephews talk about how bearing the names of such notorious persons has effected their lives.
           The second movie is This Must Be the Place with Sean Penn.  http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1440345/ 
This is a great movie. 
          So what do they all have in common?  Well Ill tell you.  :)  One of the reasons that I relate to Buddhism is because it is actually scientific and factual. 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nS2Y1wmg9f8
YES the parables and legends of how Buddhism originated are just that.  (Much like the teachings in the Bibles.)  They are lengthy and repetitive.  But like all great spiritual based literature they do have protions of extreme insight and knowledge that stand the test of time.   It has been scientifically proven however that the ideas of meditations, compassion, and life style are good for individuals and societys.  It has worked for thousands of years and continues to do so.   So when I think, read, and investigate ideas behind Buddhism I like to find the reality of the ideas behind the parables, teachings, and legends.  So lets take Karma.   Here are some sites for you to check out.
http://www.buddhanet.net/tib_heal.htm
http://www.kagyu.org/kagyulineage/buddhism/
http://viewonbuddhism.org/karma.html
          Condensed these all explain that Karma is what encourages us to live a healthy, full filled life.  Use compassion, kindness toward all living things.  Do no harm to yourself and/ or others.   If we live a life full of addictions, suffering, and attachemetns then we are destined to be reincarnated and try again.  This goes on until we get it right.   Sounds very superstitious doesnt it?  All full of mysticism, legends and rumor.  But I recently figured something out that is based on real life.
          When we have children we are technically reincarnated.  Portions of us are given to our children; not only physical features but also morals and values.  We are the role models, and teachers, of life to and for our children.   This is a fact that I have seen often in child development and social work.   Generations of familys with addicaiotns, abuse, neglect, low education, poverty etc. These lifestyles are reincarnated generation after generation. We pass this on to our children.  If we never try to learn for ourselves how to not repeat the mistakes that came before us, the things that were taught to us, reincarnated in us, we are destined to do it again and again.  Makes sense doesnt it?  
          While I was watching Hitlers Children I was especially struck by the grandson of...I cant remember which concentration camp commendant.  (Which is good, need to leave some mystery to the movie for you.)  This grandson was wracked with guilt.  Simply by inheriting the name of his grandfather he inherited the crimes.   He didnt beleive in anything that his grandfather did and was appalled by it all.  The fact that some one who was responsible for his life was such a monster was surreal to him. The other part of this that struck me was actually pretty obvious.  The grandson, and others of the movie talked about the generational abuse; physical, mental and emotional.  A couple of people suggested that it was a mind set that was passed from generation to generation.  Bad Karma reincarnated by choice and it was the people in the movie who were trying to change that.  Alter their Karma.
          During one portion of the movie the grandson was speaking to a group of young jewish people, many of whom looked at him with hate, one of which stood up, and said through tears, that his grand father was responsible for exterminateing her family. He could not reply to this; how could anyone reply to this?  But then a concentration camp surviver, an elderly man walked up to him, numbers tattooed on his arm, walking with a cane, came up to the grandson and hugged him and said its not your fault,"Tell them its not your fault" he said to the grandson.  The grandson broke down and sobbed.  Karma.
          In that moment it occured to me how much worse so many of us could have it.  For all the horrible suffering that I inherited from my family it occured to me that how I choose to handle it is my Karma.  How I choose to live, despite that knowledge, is my Karma.   How my son and his wife choose to live their lives is their Karma.   What matters is living a life full of love and compassion.  Do not harm.
          In the movie This Must Be The Place Sean Penn, Cheyenne, is a burnt out rock star living a humorous and quirky lifestyle.  The movie takes an interesting turn when his father, that he hasnt spoken to in 30 years, dies.  Cheyenne goes back for the funeral and takes up his fathers life quest of finding the German officer who was in charge of Cheyennes fathers concentration camp.  I am not going to give away the ending but this is a must see movie also.  Towards the end of the movie Cheyenne has a phone coversation with someone who tells him that,"pain is not a destination."  Karma....  When we choose to repeat the mistakes of our parents we are reincarnated into a life that the people before us did not learn from.  While the mistakes that they made are not suppose to effect us, when we repeat them, we make the consciouse choice to let them.  Their mistakes were and/or are their Karma.  Us repeating them is our Karma.
          If we fill our lives with nothing but pain, (suffering)  and look at life as being full of nothing but pain we will live and die with that Karma.   If we have children and we teach that life style to them they might repeat what they learned form us.  Yes their Karma, but ours also.  Technically we did them harm by teaching them that lifetysle...our Karma.   How long will patterns of generational abuse go on before it ends?  In New Mexico the words mi familia are used often with in an interesting social structure....gangs.  Many gangs have generations of familys in them, grandfathers, fathers, uncles, sons, grandsons, including the women also. Mi familia reincarnates violence as a lifestyle.
         Many familys, all over the United States, pass on their legacy of living off the governing system of welfare and food stamps.   You can tell who these familys are because they are very adapt at collecting from the system while still benefitting from school, careers, relationships etc.  They were taught, in more familys then you realize since the start of welfare, that taking additional funds from the government is something that they deserve under any and all circumstances.  They were taught and choose to reincarnate the addictive mind set of victimization.  AND while they will aknowledge the fact that they have the same opportunitys as many of us to live a different life they have been taught, even brain washed that this is not possible for their family.   Karma.  http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/victimization?s=t
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/addiction?s=t
          I think that if we are aware that we are humans with everything good, and bad, that goes with it we understand that not only are we cabable of greatness we also, more often than not, may not reach it.   But on the other hand what is the deffintion of greatness?   Isnt it a matter of perception that should be left up to each individual?   My father told me once that we are all on this earth to help each other.  We may only touch one persons.  We may never know who that person will be but it is the reason for always being loving and compassionate.  Karma.   It truely does begin at home.  We want to send our children out into the world to do good things.  If they help others, have good morals and values, are compassionate and selfless then we have used good Karma.  We are on the path of Nirvana and the cycle of reincarnation ends. 
         SO I paid attention to what the universe showed me through a series of events and this is what I have concluded.   Will I miss my son and his wife?  Yes most certainly.  Do I beleive that they will live a life full of love and compassion with out mine and my husbands guidance?  Yes.  Was I a perfect parent?  No.  Did I live a life of good intentions always giving love and compassion.  Mostly.  Do our sons know right from wrong, even if the wrong was done by their parent?  Yes.   Did we teach them that everyones mistakes are their own and that mistakes, whether ours or some one elses, are there to teach us?  Yes.  In this list is there anything else that I was suppose to teach them?  No.   These few simple rules will, and have, taught our sons to be outstanding human beings.  They make good choices.  They learn from their mistakes.  They surround themselves with good people.  They go out into the world and make a difference.  Because they know all of this they are successful human beings by any diffinition.  Karma.   In knowing and realizing this I finally understand that what I lived as a child was not my Karma.   My Karma has gone out into the world and made it better.   After sharing this ask youself now.  Is fate getting what you deserve?  Or deserving what you get?  What is your perspective?



“it is impossible to build one's own happiness on the unhappiness of others. This perspective is at the heart of Buddhist teachings.”
― Daisaku Ikeda